Guarding the Sanctuary: New Initiative to Provide Protection for Israel's Synagogues

Past Articles:
THE LIGHTER SIDE





Empty Punishment

Joey: Teacher, would you punish me for something
I didn’t do?

Teacher: Of course not.

Joey: Good, because I didn’t do my homework.

Joey Salem

 

First Day of School

On the first day of school, a mother went in to wake up
her son.

Mom: Wake up, son. It’s time to go to school.

Son: But why, Mom? I don’t want to go.

Mom: Give me two reasons why you don’t want to go.

Son: Well, the kids hate me, for one thing, and the teachers don’t like me, either!

Mom: Oh, that’s no reason not to go to school. Come on, now, and get ready.

Son: Give me two reasons why I should go to school.

Mom: Well, for one thing, you’re 52 years old. And for another, you’re the principal!

Abe Cohen

 

What Did You Learn?

Yaakov comes home from his first day of school, and his mother asks, “What did you learn today?”

“Not enough,” Yaakov replies. “They said I have to go
back tomorrow.”

Frieda C.

Noisy Class

A new principal is making his rounds through school on his first day, when he hears a terrible commotion coming from one of the classrooms. He rushes in and spots one boy, taller than the others, who seems to be making the most noise. He grabs the young man, drags him to the hall, and tells him to wait there until he is excused. 

Returning to the classroom, the principal restores order and lectures the class for half an hour about the importance of good behavior.

“Now,” he says, “are there
any questions?”

One boy stands up timidly. “Please, sir,” he asks, “can you give us our teacher back?”

Esther Kishk

 

Double Positive

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. 

“In English,” he said, “a double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there
is no language where a
double positive can form
a negative.” 

A voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right.”

M. Rishty

Phone Call

Summer vacation was over, and young Jack returned
to school. 

On the second day, his teacher called his mother to tell her that Jack was misbehaving.

“Wait a minute,” his mother said. “I had Jack with me
for 10 weeks, and I never
called you once when
he misbehaved!”

Bertha Diamond

 

Double Meaning

A teacher was assigned a new job teaching English and grammar to inmates in prison. Feeling a little anxious on his first day, he began by asking the class a basic question. 

“Who can tell me what a sentence is?”

Nahum Greenberg

School Break

There was a huge snowstorm and the principal of a particular school called one of his rabbinic teachers and said to him, “Rabbi, you don’t have to come in today. Only 6 children have shown up due to the snow.”

The rabbi replied, “That’s OK, I’m coming in anyway.”

“I admire your dedication rabbi,” said the principal, “but it’s not necessary.”

“It’s definitely necessary,” replied the rabbi. “In my house there are 15 children!”

The Shmuelster

 

Smart Boy

Teacher: Whoever answers my next question can go home.

One boy throws his bag out
the window.

Teacher: Who just threw that?

Boy: Me! I’m going home now.

D. Mamiye

Word Usage

Teacher: Molly, give me a sentence that starts with “I.”

Molly: I is...—

Teacher: No, Molly. Always say “I am.”

Molly: Okay. I am the ninth letter in the alphabet. 

R. T.

 

Flat Tire

Five friends were so confident about their upcoming finals that they decided to go for a picnic and have a party the weekend before the exams. They had a great time, but after all the partying, they slept all day Sunday, and didn’t get to study until early Monday morning, when it was too late. Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their teacher after the final and explain to him why they missed it. They explained that they had gone to an old age home for the weekend with the plan to come back and study, but, unfortunately, they had a flat tire on the way back, didn’t have a spare, and couldn’t get help for a long time. As a result, they missed the final. 

The teacher thought it over and then agreed they could make up the final the following day. The guys were elated and relieved. They studied that night and went in the next day at the time the teacher had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem, worth five points. It was the easiest question in their entire syllabus. 

“Cool,” they all thought, each in his separate room. “This is going to be easy.” Each finished the problem and then turned the page. 

On the second page it was written: “(For 95 points): Which tire?”

Raymond Chemtob

Moral Support

Walking through the hallways at the school where I work, I saw the new substitute teacher standing outside his classroom with his forehead against a locker. I heard him muttering, “How did you get yourself into this?” 

Knowing he was assigned to a particularly difficult class, I tried to offer some moral support. “Are you okay?” I asked. “Can I help?”

He lifted his head and replied, “I’ll be fine as soon as I get this kid out of his locker.”

Chanie G.

 

Favorite Animal

When Dad came home, he was astonished to see Victor sitting on a horse, writing something. 

“What on earth are you doing there?” he asked.

“Well, the teacher told us to write an essay on our favorite animal,” answered Victor. “That’s why I’m over here,
and Sarah’s sitting in the goldfish bowl.”

Jack V. Grazi

 

School Jokes

Q: What’s the difference between a teacher and a train?

A: A teacher says, “Spit out that gum!” and a train says, “Chew chew!”

 

Q: Why did the teacher
wear sunglasses?

A: Because her students
were bright!)

 

Q: Why was the teacher
cross-eyed?

A: She couldn’t control
her pupils!

 

Q: What is the smartest state?

A: Alabama, it has four A’s
and one B!

Saul Bruchis