Special Holiday Edition Everything You Need to Start the New Year Right!
A police officer found a perfect hiding place for watching for speeding motorists.
One day, the officer was amazed when everyone was under the speed limit, so he investigated and found the problem. A 10-year-old boy was standing on the side of the road with a huge hand-painted sign which said, “Radar Trap Ahead.” A little more investigative work led the officer to the boy’s accomplice: another boy about 100 yards beyond the radar trap with a sign reading, “TIPS” and a bucket at his feet full of change.
Jack V. Grazi
A liquor salesman and a man
get into a car accident. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly, neither one of them is hurt.
After they crawl out of the wreckage, the liquor salesman says, “Wow, look at our cars –
there’s nothing left! This must be a sign from Gd that we should not try to pin the blame on each other.”
“Oh yes,” the man replies. “I agree with you completely.”
The salesman points to a bottle on the ground and says, “Somehow, this bottle of wine from my back seat didn’t break. Surely, Gd wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.”
The liquor salesman hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, and chugs about a third of the bottle to calm his nerves. The salesman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, “Aren’t you having any?”
“No,” the salesman replies. “I think I’ll just wait for the police.”
Q. What do you get when you cross a cow and a duck?
A. Milk and quackers!
Q: What do you get when you cross a caterpillar and a parrot?
A: A walkie talkie!
Q: What do you get when you cross a football player with a pay phone?
A: A wide receiver!
A boy walked into a pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to give him something to cure the hiccups. The pharmacist merely leaned over and slapped the kid on the back.
“Why did you do that to me?” asked the boy.
“Well, you don’t have the hiccups now, do you?”
The boy, still fuming, replied, “No, but my Mom out in the car still does!”
An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of.
He calmly came over to me, and I gave him a few pats on his head. He then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner, and fell asleep.
An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.
The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside, and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour. This continued off and on for several weeks.
Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: “I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is, and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.”
The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar:
“He lives in a home with my wife and six children, two of whom are under the age of three – he’s trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?”
Ferrari vs. Moped
A young investment banker
goes out and buys the car of his dreams – a brand new Ferrari GTO. After paying $500,000, he takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light. While waiting for the light to change, a frail looking old man on a yellow moped pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the Ferrari and asks, “What kind of car ya’ got
The young man replies,
“A Ferrari GTO. It cost halfa million dollars!”
“Woooowee... that’s a lot of money,” says the old man as he tucks his thumbs up against his suspenders. “Why does it cost
“Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!” the banker proudly boasts.
The moped driver asks, “Mind if I take a look inside?”
“No problem,” replies the proud new owner. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around at all the bells and whistles lining the dashboard. Sitting back on his moped, the old man sighs and says, “That’s a pretty nice
car, all right... but I’ll stick with my moped!”
Just then the light changes, and the banker decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 160 mph! Suddenly, he notices a yellow dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer. Dumbfounded, the banker floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph. Not even 10 seconds later, he sees the moped bearing down on
The Ferrari skids to a stop. Suddenly, the moped plows into the back of it, demolishing the rear end. The young man stops and jumps out, and unbelievably, the old man is still alive. He runs up to the mangled old man and says, “Oh dear! Is there anything I can do for you?”
The old man whispers, “Unhook... my... suspenders... from... your.... side view mirror.”
No wonder the English language is so very difficult to learn. I sometimes wonder how we manage to communicate at all!
We’ll begin with a box and the plural is boxes.
But the plural of ox should be oxen, not oxes.
The one fowl is a goose but
two are called geese,
Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse
or a whole set of mice,
Yet the plural of house is
houses not hice.
If the plural of man is always called men,
Why shouldn’t the plural of
pan be called pen?
If I speak of a foot and you show me your feet,
And I give you a boot, would
a pair be called beet?
So English, I fancy you will
Is the funniest language you ever did see.
The Unluckiest Man
in the World
Marty used to say that he was the unluckiest person he knew. He had never won anything or had anything good happen to him in his entire life. Until now.
Marty was clearing out his attic when he came upon an old painting and a violin. Thinking they might be valuable, he took them to the auction house to
After studying them, the appraiser said, “Marty, I have good news and I have bad news.”
“What’s the good news?”
“The good news is that you have a Stradivarius and a Picasso,” replied the appraiser.
“I can’t believe my luck!” cried Marty. “Nothing like this ever happens to me!”
“Well I wouldn’t get ahead of yourself Marty,” continued the appraiser, “Because the bad news is that Stradivarius was a very bad painter and Picasso was no good with violins.”