Custody Goes To…
A French poodle was at the center of a NY courtroom drama when the dog challenged a court ruling over who should have custody. The dog has a history of being beaten by its master, and the judge initially awarded custody to a local animal shelter, in keeping with local animal cruelty laws.
The ASPCA surprised the court when it proclaimed that the dog was beaten more at the animal shelter than by its master, and they adamantly refused to let the dog live there. When the judge then suggested that the dog be sent to PETA, the group cried out that they, too, had beaten the poor animal.
After considering the remaining immediate options, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the advocacy to propose who should have custody of the dog.
After two recesses to check legal references and confer with ASPCA officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the NY Knicks, who, the judge firmly believes, are not capable of
My wife loves making clothes for our five-year-old granddaughter. And she, in turn, always seems happy to accept them.
The other day, she asked if she would like her to make her a skirt.
“Yes,” she said. “But this time, could you make it look like it came from a store?”
Getting in Shape
Mr. Rosenberg, a geometry teacher at Maimonides High School started a lesson on triangles by reading a theorem. “If an angle is an exterior angle of a triangle, then its measure is greater than the measure of either of its corresponding remote interior angles.”
He noticed that Hymie wasn’t taking notes and asked him why.
“Well,” Hymie replied sincerely, “I was waiting for you to start speaking English.
No Dogs Allowed
Two buddies were strolling the avenue together with their dogs. One had a Doberman Pinscher and the other a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pinscher said to his friend, “Let’s go over to
that restaurant and get something to eat.”
The guy with the Chihuahua said, “We can’t go in there. We’ve got dogs with us.”
The buddy with the Doberman Pinscher said, “Just follow
They walked over to the restaurant, and when they got to the door, the guy with the Doberman Pinscher put on a pair of dark glasses and tried walking inside. The guard abruptly stopped him and explained that pets are not allowed in the facility.
The man with the Doberman Pinscher said, “You don’t understand. This is my
“A Doberman Pinscher?” the guard asked suspiciously.
“Yes,” the man said. “They’re using them now, they’re very good.”
The guard had no choice but to let him in.
Figuring he could try this, too, the buddy with the Chihuahua put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in.
When the guard stopped him, the man, repeating his friend, said, “You don’t understand. This is my seeing-eye dog.”
The man with the dog said,
“A Chihuahua??? They gave me
A group of senior IDF military officers were being given a tour at a new high tech military intelligence facility. Itzik, the intelligence officer hosting the tour said the computers in the facility were so secure that they were able to withstand nuclear and chemical attacks.
Suddenly, Itzik saw that one of the officers had a cup of coffee and yelled, “There’s no drinking in
this room! You have to get rid of that coffee.”
Startled, the senior officer said, “OK, but why?”
“Because a coffee spill could ruin the keyboards!”
Saving for a new car on a teacher’s salary takes a while. So in the meantime, a mechanic friend loaned me an old junker so beat up, even its dents had dents.
I came out of school one day to find a police officer and a woman examining it. “What’s going on?” I asked. “I saw her hit your car,” the cop explained, “but I can’t figure out where.”
The Woman Dictionary
“Fine”:This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to keep quiet.
“Five minutes”:If she is getting dressed, this means at least half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around
“Nothing”:This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with “nothing” usually end with “fine!”
“Go ahead”:This is a dare, not permission. Don’t do it!
Loud sigh:This is not a word, but a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are being ridiculous and wonders why she is wasting her time standing there and arguing with you about nothing.
“That’s okay”:This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. It means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
“Thanks”:A woman is thanking you, do not question this. Just say, “You’re welcome.” (Note: This is different than “thanks a lot.”
Do not say, “You’re welcome” in that situation.)
“Don’t worry about it, I got it”:Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking, “What’s wrong?”
For the woman’s response,
refer to “nothing.”
Dollar per Point
When Mrs. Cohen, the third grade teacher, gave a big test to her students, Josh, the son of a millionaire, knew there was no way he was passing. Reaching into his pocket, he found a $100 bill and attached it to his test with a note, “A dollar per point?”
The next day, Josh got back his test with a note, “Good try!” along with $60 change.
Three guys are fishing on a lake when an angel appears in the boat with them. The first guy gets over his shock and humbly says to the angel, “I’ve suffered from back pain for years. Is it too much to ask that you help me?” The angel touches the man’s back, and he feels instant relief.
The second guy points to his Coke-bottle glasses and asks if the angel could cure his poor eyesight. The angel tosses the man’s glasses into the lake. When they hit the water, the man’s vision clears, and he can see everything distinctly.
The angel now turns to the third guy, who throws his hands up in fear. “Don’t touch me!” he cries. “I’m on disability!”
Jack V. Grazi
At the clothing store where she worked, Shiela made it a point of pride to give customers her unvarnished opinion. One day, when a man emerged from the fitting room, she took one look at him and shook her head.
“No, no,” she said. “Those jeans look terrible on you. I’ll go get you another pair.” As she walked away, she was mortified to hear the customer mumble, “I was trying on the shirt.”
A friend’s daughter, Callie, enrolled in a Spanish class taught by a Hispanic teacher.
“I’m not familiar with your name,” he said. “Does it start with a K?”
She replied, “C.”
Ever since, he has spelled her name, “Kallie.”