THE 'I-DEAL' LIFE
David is visiting Israel and is out for a stroll when he walks into a pet store and sees a parrot with a red string tied to its left leg and a green string tied to its right leg.
David asks the store owner about the significance of the strings.
“This parrot can teach you to speak Hebrew,” said the store owner. “It’s is a highly trained parrot. If you pull the red string, he speaks Hebrew; if you pull the green string, he speaks English.”
“And what happens if I pull
both strings at the same time?” asks David.
“I fall off my perch, Einstein!” squawks the parrot.
Just Following Orders
Alex was overdue for his appointment with Dr. Tawil, so Dr. Tawil called him at home to check up on him.
“Alex!” said Dr. Tawil. “You’re over a month late for your appointment. Don’t you know that nervous disorders like yours require prompt and regular attention? What’s your excuse?”
“I was just following your orders, Dr. Tawil,” replied Alex.
“What are you talking about?” asked Dr. Tawil. “I gave you no such order.”
“Sure you did,” replied Alex. “You told me to avoid people who cause me stress and
An electrical engineer, a chemical engineer, and a Microsoft engineer were all in a car when it suddenly stopped running. They pulled off to the side of the road and tried to figure out what the problem was.
The electrical engineer suggested stripping down the electronics
to try to find where a fault may have occurred.
Not knowing very much about cars, the chemical engineer suggested that perhaps the fuel was getting blocked somewhere.
Not knowing very much about anything, the Microsoft engineer said he thought he knew the solution. “Let’s close all the windows, get out, get back in,
open all the windows and see
if it works.”
Moshe, owner of Moshe’s Kosher Market, decided to do his friend Herb a favor and hire his grandson, David, who was fresh out of college, to work in the grocery store. David reported for his first day of work and Moshe greeted him with a warm handshake and
a smile, gave him a broom, and said, “Your first job will be to sweep out the store.”
“But I’m a college graduate,” David replied indignantly.
“Oh, I’m sorry,” Moshe said. “I didn’t know that. Here, give me the broom – I’ll show you how
A first-grade teacher was overseeing her students as they experimented with their desk computers. One boy sat staring at the screen, unsure how to get the computer going. The teacher walked over and read what was on his screen.
In her most reassuring voice, she said, “The computer wants to know what your name is.” She then walked over to the next child.
The boy leaned toward the screen and whispered, “My name is Isaac.”
Now, That’s Lazy!
My son is so lazy he hates emptying the trash in the recycle bin on his computer.
Janice purchased a new smartphone and ran into difficulties setting it up, so she called the customer support
phone number listed in the manual. She explained the problem to the customer
support guy who immediately began to rattle off technical jargon, which only added to Janice’s confusion.
“Excuse me, sir,” Janice said, politely, “but could you explain what I should do as if I were a small child?”
“Sure, no problem,” the customer support guy replied. “Young lady, could you please put your mommy or daddy on the phone?”
Maurice and his brother, Joey, were backpacking around Israel for the summer. One day they went for a hike and started getting hungry, and they spotted a small restaurant on the side of the road.
Joey noticed a blackboard with a sign written in yellow chalk, “Today’s Special: Vegetable Soup with Chicken Schnitzel and
“I’ll take the special,” said Joey to the waiter when he came to take his order.
“Me too,” added Maurice.
A few minutes after receiving their order, Maurice called over the waiter, fuming. “IS THIS
THE SPECIAL!? It says vegetable soup, BUT THERE ARE NO VEGETABLES! It says grilled vegetables, BUT THEY
AREN’T GRILLED; THEY
ARE BAKED!? And it says chicken schnitzel, BUT THESE
The waiter, unmoved by Maurice’s outburst, looked down at Maurice and replied, “Habibi, you are absolutely right. That is what makes it so special!”
‘M’ is for…
Miss Edery had just given her second-grade students a science lesson. She had explained about magnets, and showed how they would pick up nails and other bits of iron. Now it was question time.
Miss Edery said, “My name begins with the letter ‘M’ and I pick up things. What am I?”
A little boy in the front row proudly said, “You’re a mommy!”
Henry went to his dentist, Dr. Yankowitz, for a check-up, and sure enough, his candy habit had caught up to him.
Dr. Yankowitz: I have to pull your decaying tooth, but don’t worry – it will take just five minutes.
Henry: And how much will it cost?
Dr. Yankowitz: It’s $250.
Henry: $250 for just a few minutes of work?!
Dr. Yankowitz: I can extract it very slowly if you like.
Press F1 for Help
While Robert was on duty in the main computer lab one afternoon, he noticed a young man sitting in front of one of the workstations with his arms crossed across his chest, staring blankly at the screen. Around 15 minutes later, he noticed that the young man was still in the same position, only now he was impatiently tapping his foot.
Finally, he approached the young man and asked if he needed help.
“Well, it’s about time!” the youngster snapped. “I pressed the F1 button at least 20 minutes ago!”
The VP of a company was checking out the computers in a store, trying to decide which he wanted to purchase, when the sales clerk approached him.
“This little baby here,” said the clerk, “will do half of your work for you.”
“That sounds great to me,” replied the VP. “I’ll take two!”
The husband dragged himself home and barely made it through the door before dropping from exhaustion. His wife handed him a cool drink and said, “You look beat. You must have had a rough day at the office. What happened to make you so exhausted?”
“Honey, it was awful,” he said. “Our computer system was down the whole day, and we all had to do our own thinking.”
Steven once sent his son, Eddie, who lived overseas, a rare bird as a gift. Not being a great expert in ornithology, Eddie thought the bird was a delicacy.
When Steven called to see how Eddie enjoyed the gift he sent, Eddie replied, “Oh, the bird? I shechted it. It was delicious!”
Incredulous, Steven cried out, “You mean you ate the bird? Do you know how valuable it was? It could even speak two languages.”
Eddie thought for a moment and then asked, “So why didn’t he