MA'OR YESHIVA HIGH SCHOOL of the Jersey Shore Celebrating 10 Years of Educational Excellence

Past Articles:
THE LIGHTER SIDE





Hearing Aid

Morris realizes that he needs a hearing aid so he goes to Zak’s Hearing Emporium to check out his options.

“How much do they cost?” Morris asks Zak.

“That depends,” Zak says. “They run from $2.00 to $2,000.00.”

“Let’s see the $2.00 model,”
says Morris.

Zak puts the device around Morris’ neck. “You just stick this button in your ear and run this little string down to your pocket,” he instructs.

“How does it work?” asks Morris.

“For $2.00 it doesn’t work,” Zak replies. “But when people see you wearing it, they’ll talk louder!”

Joe R.

 

Life in the Fast Lane

Miriam was driving her old beat
up car on the highway with her seven-year-old son Maxie.

She tried to keep up with traffic but cars kept flying by her. Surprised at the speed of traffic, she looked at her speedometer and noticed that she was doing 10 miles over the speed limit.

She moved to the slow lane and then looked up and saw the flashing lights of a police car. Pulling over she waited for the officer to come over to her car.

As he did he said, “Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?”

Little Maxie piped up from the back seat, “I do! Because you couldn’t catch the other cars!”

Ezra H.

Final Instructions

Steven is on his deathbed, knowing the end is near. He is with his doctor, his wife, his daughter, and two sons.

“So,” he says to them,
“Bernie, I want you to take the Beverly Hills houses.

“Sally, you take the apartments over in Los Angeles Plaza.

“Hymie, I want you to take the offices over in City Center.

“Sarah, my dear wife, please
take all the residential
buildings downtown.”

The doctor is just blown away by all this. He turns to Steven’s wife and says, “Madam, your husband must have been such a
hard-working man to have accumulated all this property.”

Sarah replies, “Property? All he had was a paper route!”

Carl M.

 

Mistaken Identity

Teddy, the water carrier, was returning home one evening when a stranger rushed up to him and slapped his face. 

“Take that, Jimmy!” yelled
the attacker. 

Teddy picked himself up from the street and stared at the man in amazement. Suddenly, a broad grin spread over his face and then he laughed uproariously. 

“Jimmy, what are you laughing at?” exclaimed the other man.
“I just knocked you down!” 

“The joke is on you,” chortled Teddy.  “I’m not Jimmy!”

Stephen K.

The Wake-up Call

Harry got a job at an economy motel working at the front desk. A guest checking in, a Mr. John Robinson, ordered a 6:00 a.m. wake-up call. The next morning, Mr. Robinson awoke before 6:00, but Harry didn’t call until 6:30.

“Good morning,” Harry said sheepishly. “This is your
wake-up call.”

Annoyed, Mr. Robinson let Harry have it. “You were supposed to call me at 6.00!” he complained. “What if I had a million-dollar deal to close this morning, and your oversight made me miss
out on it?”

“Well, sir,” said Harry, “if you had a million-dollar deal to close, you wouldn’t be staying in this motel.”

David S.

Jewish Beggar

An old Jewish beggar was out
on the street with his tin cup. 

“Please sir,” he pleaded to a passerby, “could you spare three cents for a cup of coffee?” 

The man asked, “Where do you get coffee for three cents?” 

The beggar replied, “Who
buys retail?”

Joyce L.

 

Falling Down

A tour guide is showing a group of Israeli tourists the world famous Niagara Falls. “I’ll bet you don’t have anything like that in Israel!” boasts the tour guide.

“You are right, we don’t,” said one Israeli. “But we’ve definitely got engineers who could fix it.”

Melissa S.

Jewish Fire Dept.

One dark night outside a small town, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink it exploded into flames. The alarm went out to the fire departments for miles around.

When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, “All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000.00 to the fire department that brings them out intact!”

But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000.00 to the fire department who could bring out the company’s secret files.

From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Jewish rural township’s volunteer fire company, composed entirely of men over the age of 65. To everyone’s amazement, the little run-down fire engine operated by this Jewish fire department passed all the newer sleek engines parked outside the plant.....and drove straight into the middle of
the inferno.

Outside the other firemen watched as the Jewish old timers jumped off and began to fight the fire with a performance and effort never seen before. Within a short time, the Jewish old timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas. The grateful chemical company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000.00, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave, though elderly, Jewish fire fighters.

The local TV news reporters rushed in after capturing the event on film and asked, “What are you going to do with all that money?”

“Well,” said Abe, the 70-year-old fire chief, “the first thing we’re going to do is fix the brakes on that meshugana truck!”

Hannah B.

Clock in the Window

An Englishman in New York stopped at a storefront window which displayed one lone clock.  

The Englishman went inside. 

“He-llo!” he sang out. 

From behind a curtain out stepped a rabbi. 

“Would you please inspect this watch?” asked the Englishman as he took off his watch, “and tell me whether it needs...” 

“Why are you asking me?” asked the rabbi. 

“Aren’t you a jeweler?” 

“No, I’m a mohel.” 

 “A what?” 

“A mohel – I perform ritual circumcisions.” 

“Good Lord!” exclaimed the Englishman. “But why do you have a clock in your window?!” 

“Mister”, – sighed the mohel, “what would you put in
the window?”

Eli Z.

 

Postal Service

Manny, the Post Office worker at the main sorting office, finds an unstamped, poorly handwritten envelope, addressed to Gd.  He opens it and discovers it is from an elderly lady, distressed because all her savings – $100.00
have been stolen. 

She will be cold and
hungry this Pesach without divine intervention. 

Manny shares the letter with his fellow postal workers, who dig deep into their pockets and come up with $96.00. They get it to her by special courier the same morning. 

A week later, Manny recognizes the same handwriting on another envelope. He opens it:  

“Dear Gd, Thank you for
the $100.00 for Pesach,
which would have been so bleak otherwise. 

P.S. It was four dollars short but that was probably taken by those thieving gonifs at the
Post Office.”

Moshe D.