"Bringing Hope through Torah" ATIME Shas-a-Thon 5776

Past Articles:
THE LIGHTER SIDE





The Wave

A Jewish lady’s grandson is playing in the water while she is standing on the beach not wanting to get her feet wet, when all of a sudden a huge wave appears from nowhere and crashes directly over the spot where the boy is wading. The water recedes and the boy is no longer there. He simply vanished. She holds her hands
to the sky, screams and cries,

“Hashem, how could you?
Have I not been a
wonderful grandmother? 

Have I not been a wonderful mother? Have I not
given charity? 

Have I not donated my time for others? Have I not lit candles every Friday night at sunset? 

Have I not tried my very best
to live a life that you would
be proud of?”

 A loud voice booms from the sky, “OKAY, OKAY!” A few minutes later another huge wave appears out of nowhere and crashes on the beach. As the water recedes, the boy is standing there, smiling, splashing around as if nothing had ever happened. The loud voice booms again, “I HAVE RETURNED YOUR GRANDSON. ARE YOU SATISFIED NOW?”

She responds, “He had a hat!”

Marcia E.

Emergency Landing

An El Al 747 was flying the busy Tel Aviv-New York route when the plane began having engine trouble. The pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.

A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants
if everyone was buckled in
and ready.

“All set back here, Captain,” came the reply, “except one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards.”

David Z.

 

Life Insurance

Airman Benjamin Cohen was assigned to advise new recruits about GI Insurance. Captain Smith noticed that he had almost a 100% record for sales. Amazed, the captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Cohen’s pitch.

Cohen explained the basics of GI Insurance, then said, “If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $600,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don’t have GI Insurance and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6,000.”

“So you tell me,” he concluded, “who do you think they’re going to send into battle first?”

Marvin L.

Bad Memory

Alice and Henry were on a car trip when they stopped at Joey’s Kosher Delicatessen for lunch. Alice left her glasses on the table, but didn’t realize it until they were back on the highway. By then, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to
turn around.

Henry fussed and complained all the way back to the restaurant. “Oh, Alice, always with the forgetting! Now we have to go all the way back, and for what?!”

When they finally arrived, as Alice got out of the car to retrieve her glasses, Henry said, “While you’re in there, you may as well get my hat, too.”

Frieda D.

First Day at School

Before sending her son off for his first day at school, Mrs. Horowitz hugged him and said: “Good luck, my sweet bubbeleh. Be good, dear bubbeleh, and work hard. And remember, my bubbeleh, at lunch time eat all of your food and play nicely with the other children. Oh, bubbeleh, I’m so proud of you!” 

That afternoon, when little Horowitz returned home, his mother cried: “Bubbeleh,
my sweet bubbeleh, give
your mother a hug! So,
tell me, what did you learn
at school today?” 

“Well,” said the boy, “to start with, I learned that my name
is Aaron.” 

Susan H.

Weighting Around

Morris and his teenage son Sammy were out shopping at a sporting goods store when Sammy dragged his father to the weight-lifting department and proceeded to beg him to purchase a weight lifting set
for him.

“Please, Dad,” begged Sammy, “I promise I’ll use them
every day...”

“I’m not so sure, Sammy,” replied his father. “I think
you may just lose interest
in the equipment.”

“Dad, please!?”

“Sammy, these weights are also very expensive,” Morris added.

“I promise, Dad, I’ll use them....”

Sammy finally won, and his father paid for the equipment. As Morris was leaving the department, he heard his son call out...”What, are you crazy!? I can’t carry this stuff
to the car!”

Harry S.

 

Murder Mystery

 Victor walks into the police station looking for a job. Officer Harry begins to interview him by asking
some questions.

Officer Harry: “What’s 2 + 2?”

Victor: “Umm, 4!”

Officer: “What’s 4 + 4?”

Victor: “Umm, 8!”

Officer: “Good. Now tell me, who killed Abraham Lincoln?”

Victor: “Umm, I don’t know.”

Officer: “Well, go home and think about it, and come back tomorrow if you figure it out.”

Victor leaves the police station and goes home. His wife is waiting anxiously by the door to see if he got the job.
His wife asks, “Victor, did
you get the job?”

Victor responds, “Are you kidding? Not only did I get the job, but they already have me working on a murder case!”

 Jack Grazi

Looking to Hire

Abie was looking to hire a salesman at his tailor shop – Abie’s Tailor’s – so he put an ad in the local paper. One day a fellow named Jerome came in to interview for the job.

Abie looked at Jerome’s resume and noticed that he had never worked in retail before.

Abie said to Jerome, “What chutzpah, if you don’t mind
me saying. For someone with no retail experience, you
are certainly asking for a
high salary.”

“Well, I suppose I am,” Jerome replied. “But you must understand that the work is so much harder when you don’t know what you’re doing.”

The Shmulster

 

 Service for Eight

A Jewish couple won
twenty-million dollars in the lottery. They immediately set out to begin a life of luxury. They bought a magnificent mansion estate in Southampton and surrounded themselves with all the material wealth imaginable.

They then decided to have a butler and, wanting the best, they traveled to London to hire one. They found the perfect butler through an agency and brought him back to their estate. The day after his arrival, they instructed him to set up the dining room table for four, saying that they were inviting the Dwecks for brunch.   The couple then left the house to do some shopping.

When they returned, they found the table set for eight. They asked the butler why eight, when they had specifically instructed him to set the table for four.

The butler replied, “The Dwecks telephoned and said they were bringing the Bagels and the Knishes.”

Ike A.