Celebrating 15 Years Of Community
Henry was sick of his job and was determined to find work elsewhere. But no matter how hard he tried, his reputation as someone who was not dedicated to the job, seemed to follow him around.
One day the phone rang at his office. Although Henry did not usually pick up the phone, he picked it up and said hello.
“Hi” said the man on the line, “I have an unusual question to ask you, I’m looking into a fellow named Henry for a position in my company. Do you know this fellow?”
“Sure I know him”, responded Henry with a smile.
“Tell me,” asked the man. “Is he consistent with his work? Does he always show up on time?”
“Well I’ll be honest with you” Henry truthfully replied, “I’m not so consistent myself, but whenever I’m here he’s here!”
The Dwecks were selling their house and Mrs. Dweck made it crystal clear to all of her kids that the house had to be spic and span on days when real estate agents would be showing the house to prospective buyers.
Mrs. Dweck’s 15-year-old son Morris was of particular concern to her. “Morris, if your room isn’t clean and your bed isn’t made on showing days, so help me, I promise you I will never cook you another dinner for the rest of your life!”
Sure enough, on showing days, Morris’s bed was made perfectly. Somewhat surprised, Mrs. Dweck went into his room one night and discovered his secret.
Morris was fast asleep on the floor in his sleeping bag.
David went on a trip to Israel and decided to rent a car so that he could drive around and see the sites. As David pulled into a crowded Tel Aviv parking lot, he asked a police officer standing there, "Excuse me officer, is it all right to park here?"
"No," said the cop. "Can't you see that No Parking sign?"
"What about all those other cars in there?" David asked.
The cop shrugged. "They didn't ask."
Little Suzie asks her mom if she can have some animal crackers. Her mom gives her a box of crackers and tells her she can have a few. Her mom leaves and comes back in a few minutes finding all of the crackers on the floor with little Suzie looking through them. Her mother asks "What are you doing Suzie?"
Little Suzie replies "It said don't eat if the seal was already broken. But I can't find a seal!"
Letter From Mom
Albert came home from work to find his wife Cindy crying. "Your mother insulted me," she sobbed.
"My mother? How could she do that when she is on vacation on the other side of the world?" Albert asked.
"I know. But this morning a letter addressed to you arrived. I opened it because I was curious."
"At the end of the letter your mother wrote: P.S. Dear Cindy, when you have finished reading this letter, don't forget to give it to my son."
Sucking It In
Maureen almost forgot her purse so she went back up to her bedroom to get it when she noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach.
"I don't think that's going to help," said Maureen.
"Sure it does," her husband replied. "It's the only way I can see the numbers."
A Nobel Prize winning mathematician is traveling from university to university on a speaking tour by limousine. After several engagements the mathematician and his driver are having dinner and the driver says "I've heard your speech so many times I think I could give it word-for-word." The mathematician accepts the challenge and they switch places for the next speech; the driver dresses like the professor and the professor dresses as the driver and sits in the back of the auditorium.
The driver gives the speech flawlessly and opens up the floor for question, usually there are none. But one of the students at the university has a very large ego and decides to attempt to stump the Nobel Prize winner. After the student asks his question for ten straight minutes the driver laughs and says "That question is so simple I'll let my driver in the back answer it."
Everything is Big in Texas
There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!" The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas."
When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit the hotel bar. Upon arriving to the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed "Wow these mugs are big!" The bartender replied "Everything is big in Texas."
A little later the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right." The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped and entered the third door. This door lead to the swimming pool and he fell in by accident.
Scared to death, he started shouting "Don't flush, don't flush!"
Meryl and Steven were in despair. Their 3 year old son Richie still had not learned how to talk. Not a word had escaped through those now 3 year old lips. One night at dinner, Richie took a taste of his pie, and to their utter surprise and amazement, said: “You call this pie? It tastes horrible!” Meryl and Steven sat there in shock, for this was not just their son’s first sentence, but the first words he ever uttered! Once the initial shock had subsided, Steven asked “tell me son, how come you never spoke until now?” “I never had any reason to” explained Richie. “Everything was fine until now.”
My four year old daughter had a terrible case of the flu, she was achy, had a high fever, and was terribly hoarse. After waiting in the waiting room at the doctor’s office for over an hour we were finally admitted to see the Doctor. After the usual routine of listening to her breathing and checking her ears, the Doctor looked my daughter in the eye and said, “So what would you say is bothering you the most?” Without skipping a beat my daughter promptly answered, “Isaac, he always breaks my toys!”
Loss of Hearing
Brian, one of the world’s greatest hypochondriacs, bumped into his Dr. one day at the supermarket. “Doc!” Brian exclaimed, “I’ve been meaning to tell you, remember those voices I kept on hearing in my head? I haven’t heard them in over a week!” “Wow! What wonderful news Brian! I’m so happy for you!” his Dr. exclaimed. “Wonderful?” asked a dismal looking Brian. “There’s nothing wonderful about it. I’m afraid my hearing is starting to go now!