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Past Articles:
THE LIGHTER SIDE





The Lottery

A person prayed to Hashem every day, asking to win the lottery. This went on every day for over a year.

 Finally one day after praying, a voice came down from heaven, “In order to win the lottery, you have to buy a ticket!”

Jack V. Grazi

Straight ‘A’ Student

Jack was a great student. He got straight A’s, never came late, and always listened to his teachers. One day Jack didn’t come to school. The teacher was alarmed and thought he was sick, but then jack didn’t come for a few weeks! So the teacher called him up on the phone and ask why the absence.

Jack replied in a calm manner and said, “I’m just listening to your orders.”

The teacher said, “But I didn’t say anything!”

Jack said, “I took your advice – you told me to relax.”

Sarah and Adina

Cellphone

I was visiting a friend who could not find her cellphone. After several minutes of searching, her young daughter said, “You know what they should invent?
A phone that stays connected to its wall so it never gets lost.”

J. Levy

Frog’s Car

Q: What happens to a frog’s car when it breaks down?

A: It gets toad away. 

S. Esses

Audiotapes

While transcribing medical audiotapes, a colleague came upon the following garbled diagnosis: “This man has pholenfrometry.” Knowing nothing about that particular condition, she double checked with the doctor. After listening to the tape, he shook his head. He translated it for her: “This man has fallen from a tree.”                                  

T. Taboule

Expanding

Nventory

I spotted several pairs of men’s Levi’s at a garage sale. They were sizes 30, 31, and 32, but I was looking for size 33. So I asked the owner if he had a pair. He shook his head.

“I’m still wearing the 33s,” he said. “Come back next year.”

Sam K.

Technical Support

The computer in my high school classroom was acting up. After watching me struggle with it, a student explained that my hard drive had crashed. I called IT. “Can someone look at my computer? The hard drive crashed.”

“We can’t just send peopledown on your say so,” said the specialist. “How do you know that’s the problem?”

“A student told me.”

“We’ll send someone right over.”                                          

Tina C.

Squirrel Trouble

When a squirrel slipped into my house, I did the logical thing,
I panicked and called my father.

“How do you get a squirrel out of a basement?” I asked.

Dad advised me to leave a trail of peanut butter and crackers from the basement to the outside. It worked – the squirrel ate his way out of the house.Unfortunately, he passed another squirrel eating his way in.

M. Massre

Doctor and Lawyer

A doctor and a lawyer are talking at a party. Their conversation is constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asks the lawyer, “What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you’re out of the office?” “I give it to them,” replies the lawyer, “and then I send them a bill.” The doctor is shocked, but agrees to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepares the bills. When he goes to place them in his mailbox, he finds a bill from the lawyer.                                                                Steven S.

Sandwich Shop

The food at the sandwich shop I frequent is good, but any deviation from the norm throws the staff. I once told a clerk that I wanted only half a sandwich. He replied, “What am I going to do with the other half?” A week later, when I told another clerk the same thing, she responded, “Do you want the top or the bottom?”

Fred E.

Genius

A proud and confident genius makes a bet with his friend. The genius says, “Hey, every question I ask you that you don’t know the answer, you have to give me $5. And if you ask me a question and I can’t answer I will give you $5,000.” The friend says, “Okay.” 

The friend says, “Now I ask: what animal stands with two legs but sleeps with three?” The genius tries and searches very hard for the answer but gives up and hands over the $5000. The genius says, “Dang it, I lost. By the way, what was the answer to your question?” The friend hands over $5. 

Joe A.

The Chase

A scientist and a philosopher are being chased by a hungry lion. The scientist makes some quick calculations and says, “It’s no good trying to outrun it. It’s catching up!” The philosopher keeps a little ahead and replies, “I’m not trying to outrun the lion, I’m trying to outrun you!” 

Sarah D.

Office Worker

Two office workers are talking. The woman says, “I can make the boss give me the day off.”

The man replies, “And how would you do that?”

The woman says, “Just wait and see.” She then hangs upside down from the ceiling.

The boss comes in
and says, “What are
you doing?”

The woman replies,
“I’m a light bulb.”

The boss then says, “You’ve been working so much that you’ve gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off.”

The man starts to follow her and the boss says, “Where are you going?”

The man says, “I’m going home, too. I can’t work in
the dark.” 

Max L.

Vacation

When my daughter was little, we took a vacation to Florida. Seated on the airplane near the wing, I pointed out to Sarah that we wereabove the ocean. “Can you see the water?” I asked her.

“No,” she said peering out the window at the wing. “But I can see the diving board.”

Ruthie G.

A Radio Newsroom

Caller: I just wanted to let you know you’re off the air.

Host: Yes, we know. The engineers are working on it.

Caller: It would be nice if you
put something on the air that says that.

Source: Overheard in the
Radio Newsroom

Esther D.

In the Middle

A man called, furious about an Orlando, Florida vacation package we had booked for him. He was expecting an ocean-view hotel room. I explained that was not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. “Don’t lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!”

Rebecca M.

CAN YOU CRACK US UP?

Send us your most hilarious jokes, anecdotes, or
observations. Top picks will appear in this section with
the name of the contributor.