THE PASSOVER QUESTIONS YOU NEVER THOUGHT TO ASK
Morris and Sam went up to the attic to help their mother with some pre-Passover cleaning. The boys uncovered an old manual typewriter and asked, “Hey, Mom, what’s this?”
“Oh, that’s an old typewriter,”she answered, thinking that would satisfy their curiosity.
“Well, what does it do?” they queried.
“I’ll show you,” she said. She went downstairs and returned with a blank piece of paper. She rolled the paper into the typewriter and began striking the keys, leaving black letters of print on the page.
“WOW!” the boys exclaimed, “That’s really cool - but how does it work like that? Where do you plug it in?”
“There is no plug,” she answered. “It doesn’t need a plug.”
“Then where do you put the batteries?” theypersisted.
“It doesn’t need batteries either,” she continued.
“Wow! This is so cool!” the brothers exclaimed. “Someone should have invented this a long time ago!”
The Gutter Truth
Although my daughter wasn’t much of a bowler,
when her friend’s bowling team was down a player,
my daughter agreed to fill in. “So how’d you do?”
I asked a few days later.
She rattled off her scores: “One sixty, one sixty-seven, and one fifty-five.”
“Wow! That’s great.”
“No! One game sixty, one sixty-seven, one fifty-five.”
New Stand-By System
The Israelis are developing an airport security device that eliminates the privacy concerns that come with full-body scanners. It’s an armored booth you step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have on your person.
Israel sees this as a win-win situation for everyone, with no fears about racial profiling. It will also eliminate the costs of other long and expensive security techniques.
So basically, you’re in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion. Shortly thereafter, an announcement:
“Attention to all standby passengers, El Al is pleased to announce that a seat is now available on flight 670 to London. Shalom!”
Michael applied to a collections agency for a job, but he had no experience. “I’ve never hired somebody of your…well… Jewish before,” said his manager. “But why not?” he said. The manager decided to give him one of the toughest accounts, and figured, if Michael collected, he’d get the job.
Two hours later, Michael came back with the entire amount. “Amazing!” the manager said. “How did you do it?”
“Easy,” Michael replied. “I told him if he didn’t pay up, I’d tell all his other creditors he paid us.”
After cleaning my five-year-old patient’s teeth, I accompanied him to the reception area, only to see him struggle with the oak door.
“It’s heavy, isn’t it?” I asked.
“Yes,” he said. “Is that so children can’t escape?”
When my five-year-old daughter came down with a virus, I took her to the doctor’s office. Holding her hands, I explained the sad facts: “The doctor is now going to draw some blood.”
Calmly and stoically she responded, “Whose?”
Little Rachelwas preparing for her first day of school, but she confided to her mom that she was concerned about how her Cousin Steven’s behavior in the classroom might reflect on her. “He burps and screams, he won’t listen and he won’t sit still,” she lamented. “I’m going to be so embarrassed!”
“Well, how did it go at school?” her mom asked her when she picked Rachel up at the end of the day. “Did Steven do anything to
“Oh, no,” Rachel replied. “It turns out that all the boys are
Listen to Reason
“Can you play with me?” my preschooler asked.
“Not now,” I said. “I have too much work to do around the house.”
Taking my hand, and with the wisdom of one who has lived many a lifetime, he said, “Mom, I have advice for you. When people tell me to do work, I don’t listen to them. Then I don’t have work to do. It works for me. You should try it.”
Joseph calls his son in Brooklyn and says, “Benny, I have something to tell you. However, I don’t want to discuss it. I’m merely telling you because you’re my oldest child, and I thought you ought to know.
I’ve made up my mind, I’m divorcing Mama.”
The son is shocked, and asks his father to tell him what happened.
“I don’t want to get into it. My mind is made up.”
“But Dad, you just can’t decide to divorce Mama just like that after
52 years together. What happened?”
“It’s too painful to talk about it. I only called because you’re my son, and I thought you should know. I really don’t want to get into it any more than this. You can call your sister and tell her. It will spare me the pain.”
“But where’s Mama? Can I talk to her?”
“No, I don’t want you to say anything to her about it. I haven’t told her yet. Believe me it hasn’t been easy. I’ve agonized over it for several days, and I’ve finally come to a decision. I have an appointment with the lawyer the day after tomorrow.”
“Dad, don’t do anything rash. I’m going to take the first flight down. Promise me that you won’t do anything until I get there.”
“Well, all right, I promise. Next week is Passover. I’ll hold off seeing the lawyer until after the Seder. Call your sister in NJ and break the news
to her. I just can’t bear to talk about it anymore.”
A half hour later, Joseph receives a call from his daughter who tells him that she and her brother were able to get tickets and that they and the children will be arriving in Florida the day after tomorrow.
“Benny told me that you don’t want to talk about it on the telephone, but promise me that you won’t do anything until we both get there.” Joseph promises.
After hanging up from his daughter, Joseph turns to his wife and says, “Well, it worked this time, but what are we going to do to get them to come down next year?”
Over and Out
When her six-year-old daughter and four-year-old son ran outside to play with their new toy, my sister sat back to enjoy a cup of coffee and a rare moment of quiet. The peace was shattered when my nephew ran back into the house, crying.
“What’s wrong?” my sister asked.
“She won’t stop calling me Roger!” he sobbed, and threw down his new walkie-talkie.