THE PASSOVER QUESTIONS YOU NEVER THOUGHT TO ASK
By: Tammy Sassoon
The Difference Between
and Super-Skilled Parents
Regular parents try to “make” their children happy. Inevitably, their kids end up resisting, since human nature is to want to make themselves happy. What super-skilled parents know is that they can’t make anyone happy; they can only focus on being happy. Asluck would have it, their kids pick up on their positive vibes, becoming happy by osmosis.
Regular parents think their kids should always listen to them. Super-skilled parents have accepted that sometimes kids will make poor choices (and hopefully learn from them).
Regular parents think that every mistake needs a consequence. Super-skilled parents know which battles to fight; when to look away and when to address it.
Regular parents speak in an annoyed tone of voice when they need to reprimand. Super-skilled parents make the love they feel evident, in spite of
Parenting is all about working on our own inner growth. Each parenting challenge is an opportunity to either get stuck in our own vicious cycles or to ask Hashem for His help in our discomfort.
Studying parenting experts is one way to learn optimal behavior.
How Do We Know What Really Works?
Think of someone who parents their kids with the skills just mentioned. You will notice a calmness about them, as well as a happy and giving demeanor. They, as experts, use specific strategies to produce quality children. An expert parent can either be someone who grew up in an emotionally healthy environment and therefore has the necessary techniques to be in a close relationship with their children, or someone who learned a lot about parenting once they became a parent. The good news is that you can emulate either type of expert and achieve identical results.
When Experts Give“Time-out,”
They Are Supportive and Assertive
Though “time-out” has its appropriate place in behavior modification, I have all too often seen parents and teachers use it aggressively or just plain ineffectively. Interestingly, parents almost always tell me that they are not interested in learning “time-out” as a behavioral strategy, because they have tried it many times, and know that it doesn’t work. I then teach them a few points about the “time-out” method and tell them that if they are mindful of these specific tips, “time-out” will serve its purpose as a deterrent. When they learn the effective way to administer a “time-out”, they later report great success in extinguishing behaviors that were once destructive to the child and the family.
Can You Achieve This Level of Expertise?
Yes. Being an expert parent or educator is within anyone’s reach. I have seen the most seemingly limitedparents learn new strategies and change the entire dynamic in their home. If you learn the techniques and apply them immediately, you, too, can see the same results.
Get the Best Recipe
if You Want the Best Results
Imagine that you are participating in a bake-off contest with the possibility of winning $10,000 if your cake comes in first place. If you really needed to find the best recipe, would you ask someone who did not have much experience baking? Would you ask someone whose cake always flopped? I hopenot. No, you would find someone who bakes excellent cakes and ask them for their recipes. Parenting is a skill that is far more important in its everlasting effects. There are many experts in the field and if you see a parent achieving the results you like, be sure to get the “recipe.”
Tammy Sassoon is a behavioral therapist and parenting coach. She gives live workshops as well as “train by phone” telecourses to teachers, principals, therapists, and parents, in order to help them gain compliance from even the most oppositi onal children. She can be contacted through her website, www.tammysassoon.com.