Pick one. Any one. You can save a life.
Why is Lemon Juice made with artificial flavoring and dish washing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called “Rush Hour?”
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Why don’t they make entire airplanes out of those indestructible black boxes?
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all
If flying is so safe, why is an airport called “the terminal?”
A man once asked a lawyer: “How much do you charge?”
“$1,000 for three questions.”
“Really?” the man asked.
“Yes, and what’s your third question?”
F.G. and M.E.
A Play on Words
Marcia was a poor woman who needed a job. She decided to work for Mr.Kepple, the wealthy man down the block. Marcia knocked on Mr. Kepple’s door, asking what sort of job she could do in exchange for $12 an hour.
“You could start with painting my porch,” responded Mr. Kepple.
Later, Mrs. Kepple came home and wondered what Marcia was doing. “It will take her at least a day to paint a porch the size of this house,” said Mrs. Kepple.
“So what? She needs the money anyway,” answered Mr. Kepple.
15 minutes later, Marcia rushed in. “I’m finished! And by the way, it’s not a Porsche – it’s a Lexus.”
Jumping for Joy
The Rosenberg family was on their first trip to Israel and they wanted to do something adventurous so they decided to go skydiving. During the class, David the skydiving instructor was taking questions.
HowieRosenberg asked, “If our chute doesn’t open, and
the reserve doesn’t open, how long do we have until we hit the ground?”
David looked at Howie and responded straight faced,
“The rest of your life.”
A Mother’s Prayer
Rabbi Cohen is talking to Esther’s young son.
“So David,” he says, “you tell me that your mother always says prayers for you every night. That is really nice of her. It’s a mitzvah, you know.
So tell me, what does she say during her prayers, David?”
“She says, ‘Thank Gd my son’s in bed.’”
A Real Jewel
Rena decides to do some shopping at
a local mall and manages to persuade her husband, Morris, to join her. After
2 hours of looking around one women’s clothes store after another, Rena suddenly realizes that Morris is no longer with her. So she calls him on his cell phone to see ‘what’s what.’
“So where are you?” she angrily
asks Morris. “I thought we were shopping together.”
“Don’t get angry, Darling,” replies Morris. “Do you remember the jewelry shop by the escalator in the middle of the mall? The one we spent time in last year? Remember we saw a lovely gold necklace for you there but it was just a little bit too expensive for us to buy at the time and I said I would get it for you one day?”
“Yes, of course I do, darling,” replies Rena excitedly. “Why do you ask?”
“Well I’m in the Cafe next door to that jewelry store eating ice cream.”
Max was a go-getter. He wanted to be the first of his friends to have a car and he wanted to buy it with his own money. Sure enough, just after he turned 16 he had saved up enough money to buy a car. But unfortunately, he hadn’t been able to put away a lot of money so the car was, well, not in the best
One morning, Max’s mother was surprised to see his car parked in front of the house even though he was at school. When Max returned home she asked him about it.
“I had to get to school early,” Max said, “so I
What do you use to fix
a broken tomato?
A Logical Misunderstanding
Rachel asks Sollie, “I’m short of some ingredients for the cake I’m baking, so could you please get some things for me from the supermarket?”
“Of course I can, darling,” replies Sollie. “What do you need?”
“Please get one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get six.” replies Rachel.
Fifteen minutes later, Sollie returns with six cartons of milk. Rachel is furious with him. “Sollie! Why on earth did you buy six cartons of milk?”
“Becausethey had eggs,” he replied.
Don’t Leave Home Without It
A husband and wife were once in an airport waiting on line, when the husband turned to hiswife and said,
“I wish we brought along our piano.”
“Why?” the wife asked.
“Because I left our passports on it!”
Miriam said to Harold, “Honey,
I need a new dress.”
“Miriam, you can’t just go shopping all of the time,” said Harold.
“But I need a new dress,”
“What’s wrong with the one you’ve got?” asked Harold.
“It’s a little long and…well… the veil keeps getting in my eyes.”
Lorie was the mother of five kids under the age of 8. Her Aunt Sarah called her one morning, and their conversation was constantly being interrupted by the din of kids screaming and chasing each other. “Could you hold on for a moment?” Lorie finally asked, putting down the phone.
Within ten seconds there was absolute silence on the line. Then, “Okay, I’m back.”
“But it’s so quiet!” Aunt Sarah exclaimed. “You must have amazing discipline over your children.”
“Not really,” Lorie confessed wearily. “I’m in the closet.”
The Marriage Proposals
Sophia is talking to her friend Estelle. “I just don’t know what’s the matter with you, Estelle. You’re nearly 30 years old and you’re still not married. Don’t you want a husband?”
“Of course I do,” replies Estelle.
“Then I don’t understand. Why haven’t you had any proposals?”
“But you’re wrong there,” replies Estelle, “I’ve been asked to get married dozens of times.”
“Really?” says Sophia. “By whom?”
“By my parents!” replies Estelle.