Safeguarding Jews From Genetic Disease: DOR YESHORIM EXPANDS TO THE SEPHARDIC COMMUNITY
A young boy enters a barbershop and the barber whispers to his customers, “This kid is terrible at math. Watch while I prove it to you.”
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand, and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which one do you want?”
The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
“What did I tell you,” said the barber. “That kid never learns.”
Later, one of the customers sees the same young boy coming out ofthe ice cream store. He says, “Hey there, can I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?”
The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar bill, the game is over.”
A Matter of Opinion
Ayoung artist exhibits his work for the first time and a well-known art critic is in attendance. The critic says to the young artist, “Would you like my opinion on your work?”
“Yes,” says the artist.
“It’s worthless,” says the critic.
The artist replies, “I know, but tell me anyway.”
Sign of a Good Entrepreneur
A mall manager has three spaces to rent, all in a row. A prospective lessee by the name of John Smith shows up and says he wants to rent the space on the left for a men’s wear shop.
“That’sfine,” the mall manager says. “You get free signage; what do you want on the sign?”
“Men’s Wear,” says Smith.
A second guy named Albert Coleman comes along and asks to rent the right hand space for his gentleman’s formal wear business. When asked, Colemansays he wants “Men’s Wear” on his sign. The mall manager tells him that the left hand shop will have the same sign. “No problem,” says Coleman.
Finally a third man named Herman Rabinowitz comes along to rent the middle space. The manager is somewhat concerned because this guy also has a men’s wear shop. Warily the manager asks Rabinowitz what he wants on his sign.
Rabinowitz replies: “Entrance.”
Life in the Fast Lane
A police officer pulled over a man for speeding. “Do you know how fast you were going?” he said.
“I was trying to keep up with traffic,” replied the man.
“There is no traffic,” the police officer said.
The man answered, “That’s how far behind I am!”
In All Shapes and Sizes
Mrs. Hoffman, a kindergarten teacher at King David Elementary School, is always amazed by the things her students say.
Just last week she asked her class, “What is the shape of the earth? Does anyone know?”
Little Rebecca Horowitz spoke up and said, “According to my Daddy - terrible!”
Some Assembly Required
I have a joke about IKEA, but I can’t
Ready for Combat
Why did the octopus beat the shark
in a fight?
Because the octopus was well-armed.
Try to Guess….
What do you call a magic owl?
What do you call fake macaroni?
What do you call an alligator wearing a vest?
A Career Change
Abe Horowitz had been a salesman in the garment district all his life, but was getting tired of the constant battles with customers. So he decided to give up his job and become a policeman.
Several months later, a friend asked Abe how he liked his new role.
“Well,” Abe replied, “the pay is terrible, the hours are too long, and I’ve gained 10 pounds because of all of these donuts, but the one thing I love is that the customer is always wrong.”
Play on Words
What do you call a skunk
A Quack of A Doctor
A man and his duck go to the vet. They go through to the treatment room and the doctor says, “Sir, what can I do for you today?”
“I’ve brought my duck in today because it’s not feeling well,”
the man says.
The doctor feels the duck and says, “I’ll see what I can do.”
He brings in a dog and the dog barks at the duck. The duck lifts its head up, but puts it back down again. “It didn’t work,” the man said.
The doctor leaves the room once again and this time brings in a cat. The cat purrs and suddenly the duck gets up and looks good as new. “You’ve cured my duck!” the man says. Thank you!”
“That will be $3,000 please,” the doctor replies.
“Why are you charging me $3,000?” the man says. “You didn’t do anything at all!”
The doctor says, “It’s $1,500 for the Lab test and $1,500 for the CAT scan.”
The man sighs, points to his duck and says, “Put it on his bill.”
The Secret to Love
Mrs. Sapperstein invited her newly married great niece Rebecca over to her house for an afternoon tea. Rebecca was impressed by the way her great aunt preceded every request to her husband with endearing terms, calling him “Dear,” “Hubby,” “My Love,” “Darling, “ and “Sweet pie.” Amazingly, she had been married to him for almost 70 years, and it seemed they were still very much in love. Rebecca wanted to learn her secret.
While Mr. Sapperstein was off in the garden, Rebecca leaned over and said, “I think it’s wonderful that, after all the years you’ve been married, you still call uncle those loving pet names. What’s your secret?”
Mrs. Sapperstein hung her head and replied, “Oh, I forgot his name about ten years ago.”
A man bought a car, which the salesman told him ran very peculiarly. In order to GO you needed to say “Baruch Hashem.” To STOP you had to say “Shema Yisrael.”
As the man is driving his new car, he comes very close to a cliff. “Shema Yisrael!” he screams. The car stops. So relieved, he then exclaims, “Baruch Hashem!”
Why don’t people
Because it’s very time consuming.
The Epstein family was on the way to the hospital where their teenager Rachel was scheduled to undergo a tonsillectomy. During the ride they discussed how the procedure would be performed.
“Dad,” Rachel asked, “how are they going to keep my mouth open during the surgery?”
Without missing a beat Mr. Epstein replied, “They’re going to give you aphone.”
How does a tree go on the Internet?
It logs on.