Criminals Beware

Past Articles:
THE LIGHTER SIDE





MIDNIGHT LECTURE

Yossi was the cop in a small town in Northern Israel. One night, during his night patrol,
he spotted a man walking down the street, looking like he was up to no good.

“Hey!” said Yossi, rolling down his window. “You’re not heading for any trouble, are you?”

“No, sir,” responded the man with a big smile, “I’m heading to a lecture!”

“A lecture?!”  Yossi thought incredulously. “What rabbi is giving a lecture at 1 AM!? This I gotta see!” After following him for a few blocks Yossi was surprised to see the man go into
his house.

“Hey!” Yossi screamed out his window. “I thought you were heading
to a lecture!”

The man just held his index finger and headed inside. Sure enough within a minute Yossi heard the lecture loud and clear through the upstairs window, “WHAT IN THE WORLD
WERE YOU DOING OUT ALL THIS TIME?! I’VE BEEN UP WORRYING ABOUT YOU AGAIN!” 

Mr. A

Just A Little Sleepy

While out to dinner, a little girl leans her head on her father’s shoulder. She closes her eyes and begins to take a nap.

Without seconds, she’s jolted awake by her Dad.

“Stop that!” he says. “You can’t
sleep here!”

“Really?” she asks innocently. “So then why is it called a rest-aurant?”

Francine M.

The Mitzvah Girl

Leah gives 25 cents to her daughter Sarah. The little girl goes outside and returns ten minutes later without the coin. Wondering what she has done with the money, Leah asks, “Where is the quarter I gave you, my darling?”

“I gave it to an old lady,” says Sarah.

“Oh, I’m so proud of you Sarah.
That’s a very important mitzvah you did. Tomorrow I am going to give you a dollar.”

Sure enough, the next day, Leah gives Sarah a whole dollar and she returns
a little while later without the bill.

“What did you do with the dollar
today Sarah?”

“Today I saw the same old lady,” begins Sarah as her mother beams at her, “and I gave her a whole dollar for an even bigger ice cream. I love performing the mitzvah of eating ice cream.”

Celia K.

A Three Pointer

It was the first day of basketball practice at a highschool in Brooklyn, N.Y. The coach handed a ball to each player. “Fellas,” he said, “I want you to practice shooting from the spots you might expect to be in during the game.”

Little Eddie Goldberg immediately sat down on the bench and began arcing the ball toward
the basket.

Jamie D.

The Disappearing Gift

A father has just returned from his trip from Spain. Immediately, he is welcomed by his son, who asks if he brought him a gift.

The father replies: “Yes. I got you a piece of the ocean, but it evaporated on the way here!”

Saul Buchris

The Scale Doesn’t Lie

Miriam almost forgot her purse so she went back up to her bedroom to get it when she noticed her husband Morris standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach.

“I don’t think that’s going to help,” said Miriam.

“Sure it does,” Morris replied. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”

                                          Eli J.

Hungry

What has 22 legs and goes, “Crunch, crunch, crunch?”

A football team eating potato chips.

Reizy S.

Home Sick

Teacher: “You missed school yesterday, didn’t you?”

Student: “Not very much.”

Bertha Diamond

A Tooth Fairy

Max and his wife Cindy walked into a
Dr. Stein’s dental office.

Max said to Dr. Stein, “Doc, I’m in a terrible hurry. I have two friends sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf. Forget about the anesthetic; I don’t have time for the gums to get numb.
I just want you to pull the tooth and be done with it! We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town, and it is 9:30 already. I don’t have time to
wait for the anesthetic to work.”

Dr. Stein thought to himself, “My goodness, Max is surely a very brave man, asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain.”

So Dr. Stein asked him, “Which tooth
is it, Max?”

Max turned to Cindy and said, “Open your mouth, honey, and show him.”

Hannah H.

What Goes Around Comes Around

Mr. and Mrs. Epstein bought a cell phone for their son David. But absent-minded David kept losing it. The Epsteins were losing their patience with David and decided they weren’t going to get him another replacement.

“Wait!” said David excitedly. “I have anamazing idea. What if we can get someone to invent a phone that is attached to the wall!? Is that
even possible?!”

Penny D.

Toying with Dad

Moishe Rubin takes his four kids to a toy store. As soon as they enter, Moishe is given a free raffle ticket - and oy, what luck – he wins a 10 dollar gift certificate!

“Gather around children,” he says to them, “we’ve just won a gift certificate. One of us can choose a toy for $10.”

“Yay!” they all shout out.

“So who do you think should have it?” Moishe asks them.

Silence.

“OK then,” Moishe continues, “let me help you decide. Who is the most obedient amongst us? Who never argues or talks back to mommy and who always does whatever she asks?”

“OK dad, you win,” they all shout. “You should have the toy.”

Nathan G. Z.

Minimum Wage

Employer: “I’ll pay you $8 an hour now, and raise it to $10 in three months. When would you like to start?”

Employee: “Three months from now.”

Jacob L.

Office Banter

Boss: “I’m telling you for the last time – answer the phone when it rings?”

Assistant: “Why? It’s almost always for you.”

Max C.

Two Left Feet

Harry and Isaac are sitting in a doctor’s office compare notes when they realize that they are suffering from same symptoms, even in the same foot!

Harry goes into see the doctor first and lets out a blood curdling screams that Isaac has never heard in his life.

Harry comes out and sits in the waiting room, curious to see if Isaac’s treatment will be as painful as his.

In two minutes Isaac comes out smiling from ear to ear.

“I don’t get it,” says Harry. “My treatment was so painful and yours was a breeze.”

Isaac whispered, “Do you think that for a moment, after listening to your screams, that I would show the doctor the right foot?”

Joseph S.

Healthy Eating

Rachel Cohen was at her wits end because no matter what she did, her daughter Leah would only eat junk food. Willing to try anything, she heard a nutritionist say there is a simple way to tell if you’re eating right. Colors. Fill your plates with bright colors. Greens, reds, yellows. So she made Leah agree to the new diet

Rachel came downstairs the first morning to find a smiling Leah.

“How was breakfast honey?” Rachel asked.

“Fantastic!” exclaimed Leah.

“Really? Did you abide by the new diet?”

“You bet mom,” said Leah proudly. “I had an entire bowl of jelly beans. I never knew eating right could be so easy.”

Vivian B.