Taking Care of Hashem’s Children Bnei Melachim Provides Much-Needed Support for Widows and Orphans
Rachel comes into her manager David’s office to ask for a day off from work.
David replies: “So you want a day off. Let’s take a look at what you are asking for. There are 365 days per year available for work. There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work. Since you spend 16 hours each day away from work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available.
“You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break, which counts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available. With a 1-hour lunch each day, you used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work. You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days per year available for work. We are off 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days. We generously give 14 days’ vacation per year which leaves only 1 day available for work and I’ll be darned if you are going to take that day off!”
When Chaim walked into the office, he knew something was up. There was a message on his desk that the boss wanted to see him as soon as he arrived.
The boss didn’t look very happy when Chaim reported to his office. He said nothing – just pointed at the newspaper on his desk. It was opened to the sports page, and there was a picture of a smiling Chaim, holding up a trophy for winning the local golf tournament the day before.
“How could this be, Chaim?” asked the boss. “You called in
“I know,” Chaim responded. “I was really surprised to win the tournament too, sir. Imagine what my score could have been
if I hadn’t been sick!
How Traditions Get Started
A young Jewish motheris preparing a brisket one Friday for Shabbat dinner. Her daughter watches with interest as the mother slices off the ends of the brisket before placing it in the roasting pan.
The young girl asks her mother why she did this. The mother pauses for a moment and then says, “You know, I’m not sure. This is the way I always saw my mother make a brisket. Let’s call Grandma and ask her.”
So, she phones her mother and asks why they always slice the ends off the brisket before roasting. The grandmother thinks for a moment and then says, “You know, I’m not sure why, this is the way I always saw MY mother make a brisket.”
Now the three women are very curious, so they pay a visit to the great-grandmother in the nursing home. “You know when we make a brisket,” they explain, “we always slice off the ends before roasting. Why is that?”
“I don’t know why YOU do it,” said the old woman, “but I never had a pan that was large enough!”
As he’s out shopping, Ari meets one of his customers. “So Abe,” he says, “you know you still owe me $1,000. When will I get it?”
“Don’t worry, Ari,” replies Abe. “You’ll get it first thing tomorrow morning.”
“Oy vey, not again,” says Ari. “How am I supposed to trust you when I know you won’t keep your word? It’s always tomorrow with you. I’m just sick and tired of hearing you say you’ll pay me tomorrow, but then getting a follow-up phone call from you telling me that you haven’t got enough money to pay me. Last week you called me and told me you couldn’t pay. Last month you called and told me you couldn’t pay. Three months ago you called and told me you couldn’t pay. Six months....”
“Enough already,” interrupts Abe. “So didn’t I keep my word each time?”
Life’s a Beach
Savta Esther, a notoriously tough Israeli grandmother, was at the beach one Friday with her grandchildren when someone approached her asking for Tzedakah.
“Please, Geveret” (madam), he pleads with his hand out. “I haven’t eaten all day.”
“Good,” says SavtaEsther. “Now you won’t have to worry about cramps when you go for a swim.”
A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a Rabbi, if they could discuss the use of the car.
His father took him to his study and said to him, “I’ll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study Gemarah a little and get your hair cut and we’ll talk about it.”
After about a month the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss use of the car.
Theyagain went to the father’s study where his father said, “Son, I’ve been real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you’ve studied Gemarah diligently – but you didn’t get your hair cut!”
The young man waited a moment and replied, “You know Dad, I’ve been thinking about that. You know, Shimshon had long hair, Moshe had long hair, Noah had long hair, and Yehudah Ha’Maccabee had long hair....”
To which his father replied: “Yes, and they WALKED everywhere they went!
Joseph S. Z.
You Think Money Grows On Trees?
Moshe Rose had been asking his father for more and more spending money so his father finally said to him, “Moshe, do you think money grows on trees?”
“Yeah,” said Moshe, always somewhat of a smart-aleck.
“Well, it doesn’t,” said Mr. Rose.
“So what is money made out of, Dad?” asked Moshe.
“Paper,” Mr. Rose said.
“And what is paper made out of?” asked Moshe with a smile…
Jacob and Leah were expecting their first child and signed up for birthing classes.
“Ok, everyone,” said the instructor trying to get everyone’s attention. “We are going to do an exercise now, whose purpose is to help the men sympathize with their partners.
“We have here what’s called a pregnancy suit,” said the instructor, holding up an artificial stomach with a strap. “This imitates the feeling of being pregnant. Which husband volunteers to be the first one to try it on?”
“I will” said Jacob, taking the suit and trying it on. “This isn’t too bad,” said Jacob, walking around the room. “I think I could get used to this.”
“Ok”, said the instructor smiling. “Now I would like you to bend down and pick up my pen from the floor.”
“You want me to pick it up?” Jacob said hesitantly, “Just as I would if I was pregnant?”
“Yes!” said the instructor.
“Honey,” said Jacob turning to his spouse “do you mind picking up that pen for me?”