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Past Articles:
THE LIGHTER SIDE





Airplane Humor

Occasionally, airline attendants and pilots try to make their announcements more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

1.Pilot: “Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land. It’s a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings, it affects the flight pattern.”

 2.“Your seat cushions can be used for flotation. In the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments.”

 3.“As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.”

 4.From the pilot during his welcome message: “We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry.... Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...!”

5.On one particular flight, an airline pilot hammered into the runway really hard. Upon exiting the plane, a little old lady asked,”Sonny, mind if I as you a question? Did we land or were we shot down?”

David D.

Life Underwater

Jeff calls his brother, Sam, and asks how his vacation went. Sam responds that he had a great time scuba diving.

“What did you see?” asks Jeff.

“Two swordfish were having a duel. Goldfish were being sold for $1,200 per ounce!”

“That’s so interesting,” says Jeff. “What was your overall impression of life underwater?”

“There’s something fishy about it,” responded Sam.

    Daniel Balsam

Regrets

Ikey was attending a workshop on how to improve relationships with family members. During the class, the instructor asked, “When we reach the end of our lives, will we say ‘I wish I’d spent more time on the job?’”

He persisted. “Has anyone ever wondered that?”

“Yes,” said one man “Right after I got fired.”

Abhu Cohen

The Innocence of Children

A woman rolled an elderly man in a wheelchair into the doctor’s office. As she went to the receptionist’s desk, the man sat there, alone and silent.

Just then, a little boy slipped off his mother’s lap and walked over to the wheelchair. Placing his hand on the man’s, he said, “I know how you feel. My mom makes me ride in the stroller too.”

    Joseph S.

Running From the Cure

Three men are out fishing when an angel appears in their boat. When the first man has gotten over the shock, he humbly says to the angel, “I’ve suffered from back pain for years. Is it too much to ask that you help me?” The angel touches the man’s back, and he feels instant relief.

The second man points to his glasses and asks if the angel could cure his poor eyesight. The angel tosses the man’s glasses into the lake. When they hit the water, the man’s vision clears, and he can see everything distinctly.

The angel now turns to the third man, who throws his hands up in fear. ‘Don’t touch me!” he cries. “I’m on disability!”

Jack V. Grazi

Murphy’s Laws on Work

Everything can be filed under ‘miscellaneous.’

To err is human; to forgive is not company policy.

If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.

If it wasn’t for the last minute, nothing would get done.

When you don’t know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

No one gets sick on Wednesdays.

The longer the title, the less important the job.

Daniel S.

The Best Deal of All

Recently Bill walked into a barbershop and asked how much it would cost for a haircut.

“Eight dollars,” the barber
told him.

“And how much is it for a shave” Bill asked.

“Five dollars.”

“All right,” said Bill, settling in the barber’s chair. “Shave my head!”

Jack V. Grazi

Play On Words

If money doesn’t grow on trees, then how come banks have so many branches?”

Isaac F.

EVER WONDER...

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?   

Why women can’t put on mascara with their mouth closed?   

Why ‘abbreviated’ is such a long word?   

Why the man who invests all your money is called a “broker?”   

Why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?   

Why they are called “apartments” when they’re all
stuck together?

If “con” is the opposite of “pro,” is Congress the opposite
of progress?   

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the “terminal?

SCA

Hearing Loss

A man feared his wife wasn’t hearing as well as she used to and thought she might need a hearing aid.

Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem.

The doctor told him there was a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

Here’s what you do,” said the doctor. “Stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.”

That evening, as his wife was in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den, the man said to himself, “I’m about 40 feet away; let’s see what happens.” Then in a normal tone of voice he asked, ‘Honey, what’s for dinner?”

No response. So, the husband moved closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeated, “Honey, what’s for dinner?” Still, no response.

Next he moved into the dining room where he was about 20 feet from his wife and asked, “Honey, what’s for dinner?”

Again he gets no response.

So, he walked up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. “Honey, what’s for dinner?”

Again, there was no response.

So, he walked right up behind her. “Honey, what’s for dinner?”

“Clyde, for the fifth time... CHICKEN!”

Sally J.

You Don’t Say

A husband read an article to his wife that specified how many words women use a day: 30,000 to a man’s 15,000.

The wife replied, “The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men.”

The husband then turned to his wife and asked, “What?

Nathan M.

Airplane Humor

Occasionally, airline attendants and pilots try to make their announcements more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

1.Pilot: “Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land. It’s a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings, it affects the flight pattern.”

 2.“Your seat cushions can be used for flotation. In the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments.”

 3.“As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.”

 4.From the pilot during his welcome message: “We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry.... Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...!”

5.On one particular flight, an airline pilot hammered into the runway really hard. Upon exiting the plane, a little old lady asked,”Sonny, mind if I as you a question? Did we land or were we shot down?”

David D.

Life Underwater

Jeff calls his brother, Sam, and asks how his vacation went. Sam responds that he had a great time scuba diving.

“What did you see?” asks Jeff.

“Two swordfish were having a duel. Goldfish were being sold for $1,200 per ounce!”

“That’s so interesting,” says Jeff. “What was your overall impression of life underwater?”

“There’s something fishy about it,” responded Sam.

    Daniel Balsam

Regrets

Ikey was attending a workshop on how to improve relationships with family members. During the class, the instructor asked, “When we reach the end of our lives, will we say ‘I wish I’d spent more time on the job?’”

He persisted. “Has anyone ever wondered that?”

“Yes,” said one man “Right after I got fired.”

Abhu Cohen

The Innocence of Children

A woman rolled an elderly man in a wheelchair into the doctor’s office. As she went to the receptionist’s desk, the man sat there, alone and silent.

Just then, a little boy slipped off his mother’s lap and walked over to the wheelchair. Placing his hand on the man’s, he said, “I know how you feel. My mom makes me ride in the stroller too.”

    Joseph S.

Running From the Cure

Three men are out fishing when an angel appears in their boat. When the first man has gotten over the shock, he humbly says to the angel, “I’ve suffered from back pain for years. Is it too much to ask that you help me?” The angel touches the man’s back, and he feels instant relief.

The second man points to his glasses and asks if the angel could cure his poor eyesight. The angel tosses the man’s glasses into the lake. When they hit the water, the man’s vision clears, and he can see everything distinctly.

The angel now turns to the third man, who throws his hands up in fear. ‘Don’t touch me!” he cries. “I’m on disability!”

Jack V. Grazi

Murphy’s Laws on Work

Everything can be filed under ‘miscellaneous.’

To err is human; to forgive is not company policy.

If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.

If it wasn’t for the last minute, nothing would get done.

When you don’t know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

No one gets sick on Wednesdays.

The longer the title, the less important the job.

Daniel S.

The Best Deal of All

Recently Bill walked into a barbershop and asked how much it would cost for a haircut.

“Eight dollars,” the barber
told him.

“And how much is it for a shave” Bill asked.

“Five dollars.”

“All right,” said Bill, settling in the barber’s chair. “Shave my head!”

Jack V. Grazi

Play On Words

If money doesn’t grow on trees, then how come banks have so many branches?”

Isaac F.

EVER WONDER...

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?   

Why women can’t put on mascara with their mouth closed?   

Why ‘abbreviated’ is such a long word?   

Why the man who invests all your money is called a “broker?”   

Why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?   

Why they are called “apartments” when they’re all
stuck together?

If “con” is the opposite of “pro,” is Congress the opposite
of progress?   

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the “terminal?

SCA

Hearing Loss

A man feared his wife wasn’t hearing as well as she used to and thought she might need a hearing aid.

Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem.

The doctor told him there was a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

Here’s what you do,” said the doctor. “Stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.”

That evening, as his wife was in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den, the man said to himself, “I’m about 40 feet away; let’s see what happens.” Then in a normal tone of voice he asked, ‘Honey, what’s for dinner?”

No response. So, the husband moved closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeated, “Honey, what’s for dinner?” Still, no response.

Next he moved into the dining room where he was about 20 feet from his wife and asked, “Honey, what’s for dinner?”

Again he gets no response.

So, he walked up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. “Honey, what’s for dinner?”

Again, there was no response.

So, he walked right up behind her. “Honey, what’s for dinner?”

“Clyde, for the fifth time... CHICKEN!”

Sally J.

You Don’t Say

A husband read an article to his wife that specified how many words women use a day: 30,000 to a man’s 15,000.

The wife replied, “The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men.”

The husband then turned to his wife and asked, “What?

Nathan M.