Shabbat of Sanctity Dirshu’s 20th Anniversary International Convention
A woman and a lawyer are sitting next to each other on a plane. The lawyer asks the woman if she wants to play a trivia game. “All you have to do is ask a question and if I get it wrong, or don’t know the answer I give you five dollars. Then, I ask you a question and if you get it wrong, or don’t know the answer you pay me five dollars.”
“No,” she says, “I just want to sleep.”
He keeps asking and she finally gives in when he says that if he gets it wrong he will pay her $500, but if she gets it wrong she still only has to pay him five dollars.
“What is the distance from the earth to the moon?” he asks.
She doesn’t know and gives him five dollars.
“What goes up the hill with four legs and comes down with five?” she asks.
He pulls out his laptop and searches it, but finds nothing. Then he emails his friends. After an hour, he still hasn’t got an answer and hands her $500. Then he asks her, “So what is the answer?”
She hands him five dollars.
The Wonderful Husband
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
WOMAN: “Honey, it’sme. Are you at the club?”
WOMAN: “I’m at the City Centre mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It’s only $1,000. Is it okay if I buy it?”
MAN: “Sure, go ahead if you really like it.”
WOMAN: “I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2017 models. I saw one that I
MAN: “How much?”
MAN: “Okay, but for that price make sure it comes with all the options.”
WOMAN: “Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house I wanted to buy last year is back on the market. They’re asking for $980,000.”
MAN: “Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They will probably take it. If not, go the extra $50,000 if you think it’s a pretty good price.”
WOMAN: “Okay. I’ll see you later! I love you so much! You’re so generous!”
MAN: “You’re worth it. Bye!”
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, with mouths wide open. The man turns and asks, “Anybody knows whose phone this is?”
Who’s the Boss?
I overheard my wife telling her friends that her husband was the boss of the house. That’s funny! The only time I’m the boss is when no one else is home.
Jack V. Grazi
Living Your Best Life
Rabbits jump and they live for 8 years.
Dogs run and they live for15 years.
Turtles do nothing and they live for 150 years.
The Limo Driver and the Professor
A Nobel Prize winning mathematician travels from university to university on a speaking tour by limousine. After several engagements, the mathematician and his driver have dinner together and the driver says “I’ve heard your speech so many times I think I could give it
word-for-word.” The mathematician accepts the challenge and they switch places for the next speech; the driver dresses like the professor and the professor dresses as the driver and sits in the back of the auditorium.
The driver gives the speech flawlessly and opens up the floor for questions. Usually there are none, but one of the students at the university has a very largeego and decides to attempt to stump the Nobel Prize winner. After the student asks his very long-winded question, the driver laughs and says, “That question is so simple I’ll let my driver in the back answer it.”
At the electric company:
“We would be delighted if you sent your payment right away. However, if you don’t, you will be de-lighted.”
In a restaurant window: “Don’t just stand there and be hungry. Come in and get fed-up!”
Jack V. Grazi
Fierce But Foolish
The new CEO of a company comes into work determined to turn things around. Trying to prove himself to his new employees, he looks around the office and sees a guy leaning against a wall doing nothing. He approaches the guy and asks him, “What do you think you’re doing?”
The man replies, “I’m just killing time, waiting to get paid.”
The CEO is furious, “What do you make a week?”
The man tells him, “About $200 a week.”
The CEO pulls out his wallet, hands the man $400 and says, “There’s your two weeks, now getout of here!”
After the man leaves, the CEO turns to his employees and asks, “What do you think about that?”
One of the employees stands up and says, “I think he just got the largest tip he’s ever gotten for a single pizza delivery.”
Do You Want to Be a Millionaire?
A teacher assigns her class an essay on what they would do if
they had a million dollars. Alec gives his in blank.
Teacher: Alec, there’s nothing on it!
Alec: Exactly! That’s what I would do if
I had a million dollars.
The Lying Thief
Late one night a man drives down the road, speeding quite a bit. A cop notices how fast he is going and pulls him over. The cop says to the man, “Are you aware of how fast you were going?”
The man replies, “Yes, I am. I’m trying to escape a robbery I got involved in.”
The cop gives him a skeptical look and says, “Were you the one being robbed?”
The man casually replies, “No, I committed the robbery.”
The cop looks shocked that the man admitted this. “So you’re telling me you were speeding...AND committed a robbery?”
“Yes,” the man calmly says. “I have the loot in the back.”
The cop begins to get angry. “Sir, I’m afraid you have to come with me.” The cop reaches in the window to subdue the man.
“Don’t do that!” the man yells fearfully. “I’m scared you’ll find the gun in my glove compartment!” The cop pulls his hand out. “Wait here,” he says.
The cop calls for backup. Soon, cop cars and helicopters are flooding the area. The man is cuffed quickly and taken towards a police car.However, before he gets in, a cop walks up to him and says, while gesturing to the cop that pulled him over, “Sir, this officer informed us that you had committed a robbery, had stolen loot in the trunk of your car, and had a loaded gun in your glove compartment. However, we found none of these things in your car.”
The man replies, “Yeah, and I bet that liar said I was