Mishnah Berurah Tiferet
A rich football player was admitted to the hospital for heart surgery. Prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to have some of his blood type stored in case the need arose. As the gentleman had an extremely rare type of blood that couldn’t be found locally, the call went out around the world. Finally a businessman was located who had the same rare blood type. After some coaxing, the businessman donated his blood for the sake of the football player. After the surgery the football player sent the businessman a new BMW, a diamond necklace for his wife, and $100,000 in appreciation.
A few months later, the football player had to undergo a corrective surgery procedure. Once again, his doctor telephoned the businessman who, this time, was more than happy to donate his blood. After the second surgery, the football player sent the businessman a thank-you card and a box of high quality chocolates. The businessman was shocked that the football player did not reciprocate his kind gesture in the way he had anticipated. He phoned the football player and inquired:”I thought you would be more generous than that - last time you sent me a BMW, diamonds, and money, but this time you only sent me a lousy thank-you card and box of chocolates?” To this the football player replied: “Yes, but I now have your blood in my veins.”
Teacher: “Johnny, if I gave you two cats and another two cats and another two cats, how many would you have?”
Teacher: “No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?”
Teacher: “Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?”
Teacher: “Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?”
Teacher: “Johnny, where in the world do you get seven from?!”
Johnny: “Because I’ve already got a cat!”
The first time my son rode a bike with training wheels, I shouted, “Step back on the pedals and the bike will brake!”
He nodded but still rode straight into a bush.
“Why didn’t you push back on the pedals?” I asked, helping him up.
“You said if I did, the bike would break.”
A woman’s three-year-old daughter stuck out her hand and said, “Look at the fly I killed, Mommy.”
Since she was eating a juicy pickle at the time, the Mom placed her contaminated hands under the faucet and washed them with antibacterial soap.
After sitting her down to finish her pickle, the Mom asked: “How did you kill that fly all by yourself?”
Between bites, she said, “I hit it with my pickle.”
A Perfect Ten
A defendant isn’t happy with how things are going in court, so he gives the judge a hard time.
Judge:“Where do you work?”
Defendant:“Here and there.”
Judge: “What do you do for
Defendant:“This and that.”
Judge:“Take him away.”
Defendant:“Wait; when will I get out?”
Judge:“Sooner or later.”
A Perfect Ten
Shulem and Pessy Schechter were parents to ten children – six boys and four girls. One night, Shaindy, their oldest, was chatting with her mother about how their parenting style had changed from the first child to the last. Pessy admitted that she had mellowed a lot over the years:
“When your oldest sister coughed or sneezed, I called the ambulance. When youryoungest brother swallowed a nickel, I just told him it was coming out of his allowance.”
Miriam’s birthday was approaching and she had been working on her husband Moshe for a while; there was a special birthday present she had in mind.On the morning of her birthday she woke up and told Moshe, “I just dreamed that you gave me a diamond ring for my birthday. What do you think it all means?”
“Aha, you’ll know tonight,” answered Moshe smiling broadly.
That night, Moshe approached Miriam and handed her a small package. Delighted and excited, she opened it quickly. There in her hand rested a book titled: “The Meaning of Dreams.”
The Wrong Lesson
Once there was a supervisor whose employee had a negative view of everything he did. If the supervisor took a vacation day, he was “never there.” If the supervisor praised someone’s work,
it was “too little, too late.”
The employee eventually took another job but was fired six months later. Shortly thereafter, he contacted the supervisor, hoping to return to his old job.
“Have you learned anything from this experience?”
the supervisor asked.
“Yes, I should have stayed here,” the employee admitted.
“You’re too indecisive to have ever fired me.”
Little Noah Rosenberg was sleeping over at his friend Shmuli’s house. In the morning Noah called his mother. “Mommy, I have something not so good to tell you.”
“What is it Noah” asked
“We were playing football in the living room and I broke
“I’m very disappointed to hear that Noah,” said his mother. “We will have to buy Shmuli’s family another lamp.”
“Oh no Mommy, we don’t have to do that,” said Noah. “Shmuli’s mother said it
A Daily Itinerary
Herman and Henny Pearlman live in Boca and Henny likes to check in with her Herman each morning to plan the day’s activities.
“Herman, what are you doing today?” asked Henny.
“Nothing,” said Herman.
“That’s what you did yesterday,” said Henny.
“Well,” answered Herman, “I wasn’t finished.”
A Frightening Report Card
Dad: “Can I see your report card, son?”
Son:“I don’t have it.”
Son: “I gave it to my friend. He wanted to scare his parents.”
Clinic of Chelm
Dr. Goldstein opened a walk-in clinic in the famed city of Chelm. Dr. Goldstein’s first patient, a fellow named Chaim, walked in and said, “Doctor, I hurt all over.”
Dr. Goldstein said.
“No, really!” Chaim Yankel, “Just look – when I touch my arm, ouch! it hurts. When I touch my leg, ouch! it hurts. When I touch my head, ouch! it hurts. When I touch my chest, ouch! it really hurts.”
“I know for a fact that
your body is fine,” said
“How could you know
such a thing?” asked
Dr. Goldstein replied, “Because your finger