“Choose Jewish” Jewish Education in France Gets a Boost

Past Articles:
THE LIGHTER SIDE





Torah Strong

Morris, a new member of the synagogue, was asked to carry the Torah. He could barely lift the sefer Torah; he almost dropped it, and clutching it shakily, he sat down very quickly. It was an awful, pitiful sight.

Morris was very embarrassed, so he made a resolution to go to the gym and work out. For the next few months, he lifted weights, and did push-ups, sit-ups, and pull-ups. He got himself buff and ready.

Simhat Torah came and Morris was all set. He went to synagogue, all excited and ready to be called. It happened! He heard the gabbai call his name so he rushed up to thebima, grabbed the sefer Torah, lifted it up, and, arms wide, opened it up at least ten columns. He swung the Torah to the left and then to theright, so everyone could see the text.

He felt very proud. Turning to the gabbaihe asked, "So, how was it?"

"Well, Morris, you looked great, but I called you up for shlishi."

Moshe K.

Doctor’s Visit

Dr. John Robinson took up a new position as a pediatrician in Brooklyn. Originally from Wyoming, Dr. Robinson didn’t have much experience with the Jewish community. But what he did have was experience with kids, and he always liked to break the ice with his young patients by testing their knowledge of body parts.

On his first day, while pointing to little Sammy’s ear, Dr. Robinson asked him,
"Is this your nose?"

Immediately Sammy turned to his mother and said, "Mommy, I think we'd better find a new doctor!"

Abie D.

Is It My Business?

Mendel was on a ship emigrating from Russia to America. The second day, a huge storm erupted. People screamed and chairs went flying, yet Mendel calmly read his book.

“Mendel!” yelled a fellow passenger. “How can you sit there when the ship may be sinking?!”

“What’s to get excited?”answered Mendel. “The ship does not belong to me!”

Sally M.

Forbidden Fruit

Nancy and Cindy joined a weight-lossgroup. At their first meeting the instructor held up an apple and a candy bar. "What are the attributes of this apple?" she asked. "And how dothey relate to our diet?"

"Low in calories" and "lots of fiber" were among the answers. The instructor then detailed what was wrong with eating candy, and concluded, "Apples are not only more healthful but are also less expensive. Do you know I paid 75 cents for this candy bar?" Nancy and Cindy stared as she held aloft the forbidden treat.

Finally, Nancy piped up and said,
"I'll give you a dollar for it."

Linda E.

Custom Service

Flying home after a business trip in America, Joseph arrives in Tel Aviv and approaches the customs booth after a long trip.

“What was the purpose of your trip?” the customs agent asks.

“Business,” Joseph replies.

“How long were you away?”

“Seven days.”

“Were you traveling with anyone?”

“I was traveling with my wife,” says Joseph, “But she stayed an extra
day with her sister and will be
arriving tomorrow.”

Without missing a beat, the officer asks in the same business-like tone: "Will the house be clean by tomorrow? Will the Shabbat flowers be on the table?"

Chaim Z.

Busy Day at the Deli

Shoshana had not seen her Milwaukee relatives in years, so she was terribly excited when her Aunt Minnie and Uncle Abe came to visit her in New York to spend the Sukkot holiday. To celebrate the reunion, she took them to an old-fashioned Jewish deli on the Lower East Side.

“I’ll have the kreplach,” Shoshana told the waiter.

“The kreplachis from last night,” explained the waiter. “Better you should order something
fresh-made – like stuffed peppers.”

“All right, let it be stuffed peppers.”

The waiter turned to Aunt Minnie. “And you?”

“Bring me, please, the pot roast.”

“Look, lady, the pot roast is not so hot. You want somethin’ special, try the flanken.

“All right then, so bring the flanken.”

Uncle Abe had been studying the menu carefully. Then he said, “Waiter, I can't make up my mind. What do you suggest?”

“Suggest!” cried the waiter. “On a busy night like this – who has time for suggestions?”

Marlene S.

Texan Talk

A Texan was visiting Israel, and while he was driving through the Negev, he began to feel thirsty. He looked for a place to get a drink but it was Sukkot and he didn’t find anything open. He noticed a house farther along the road, so he stopped there.

“Can you give me a drink of water?” asked the Texan.

“Of course,” said the Israeli, and invited the Texan into his house.

“What do you do?” said the Texan.

“I raise vegetables and have a few chickens,” said the Israeli.

“Really?” said the Texan. “I’m also a farmer. How much land
do you have?”

“Well,”said the Israeli, “out front it’s fifty meters, as you can see, and in the back we have close to a hundred meters of property. And what about your place?”

“Well,” says the Texan, “on my ranch, I can have breakfast and then get into my car and drive all day - and I don’t reach the end of my property until dinnertime.”

“Really?” replied the Israeli. “I once had a car like that.”

Nathan A.

Table Manners

Little Rachel loved helping her mother. In particular, she loved to help set the Shabbat table. One Friday night, the guests came home from shul and everyone sat down. Rachel’s mother noticed something was missing.

"Rachel," she said, "you didn't put a knife and fork at Uncle Morty’s place."

"I thought he wouldn't need them," explained Rachel. "Daddy says UncleMorty always eats like a horse!"

Stacy C.

First Trip to Israel

Dave and Samantha Levy were on their first trip to Israel. They rented a car, had all of their guidebooks ready, and had a full itinerary for their ten day stay. One day, Dave and Samantha stopped for lunch at a falafel joint. Dave asked the guy working there:

"What's the quickest way to the Dead Sea?"

The falafel owner scratched
his head.

"Are you walking or driving?"
he asked.

"I'm driving,” replied Dave.

"That's the quickest way!"

Hal S.

Picture Perfect

Jennifer and Jeff were enjoying their first trip outside of the United States and were sad that their trip was coming to an end. As they made a few final preparations, Jennifer noticed that her passport had expired and she needed a new photo.
She went to a local shop to get some pictures before heading to the Embassy, and she showed her ten-year-old passport picture to the clerk who was set to take the new picture. Jennifer sighed. "I like the original better."

"Trust me," said the clerk. "Ten years from now, you'll love this one."

Esther B.