YAHALOM SEMINARY Bridging the Gap

Past Articles:
THE LIGHTER SIDE





A Case of Mistaken Identity

Sharon, a middle-aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she has a near death experience. During that experience she sees the Angel of Death and asks if this is it. The Angel of Death says no, and explains that she has another
30 years to live.

Upon her recovery Sharon decides to just stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction –
the works. She figures since she's got another
30 years she might as well make the most of it.

She walks out of the hospital after the last operation and is immediately killed by an ambulance speeding by. She arrives in heaven and sees theAngel of Death and complains, "I thought you said I had another 30 years!" The Angel of Death replies, "I didn't recognize you."

Nathan H.

Medical Advice

Little Sara went up to her mother one day while holding her stomach saying, "Mommy, my stomach hurts." Her mother replied, "That's because it's empty, you have to put something into it!"

Later that day, Little Sara’s mother invited a guest over for dinner. But the guest seemed distracted. Holding her head she said, "I have such a terrible headache!"

Little Sara turned to the guest with her sweet smile and said, "That's because it's empty. You have to put something into it!"

Lauren G.

First Dollar

At a shul’s annual general meeting a very wealthy man rose to tell the rest of those present about his Jewish faith. "I'm a millionaire," he said, "and I attribute it all to the rich blessings of Gd in my life. I remember that turning point. I had just earned my first dollar and I went to shul that night. The speaker was a famous businessman who was fundraising for his yeshiva. I knew that I only had a dollar bill and had to either give it all to Gd's work or nothing at all. So at that moment I decided to give all the money I owned, my whole dollar, to Gd. I believe that Gd blessed that decision, and that is why I am a rich man today."

He finished and there was an awed silence at his story as he moved toward his seat. As he sat down a little old lady leaned over and said to him, "I dare you to do it again."

Marlene K.

Cold Winter

John and Mary Smith purchased an old home in northern New York State from the Horowitz family. Winter was fast approaching, and the Smiths were concerned about the house's lack of insulation. "If they could live here all those years, so can we!" John said to Mary confidently.

One January night the temperature plunged to below zero, and the Smiths woke up to find their interior walls covered with frost. John called the Horowitzs to ask how theyhad kept the house warm. After a brief conversation, he hung up.

"For the past 30 years," he muttered, "they've gone to Florida for the winter."

Joseph H.

The Biggest Lie

A lawyer was walking down the street when he came upon a group of about a dozen boys, all of them between 10 and 12 years of age.

The group had surrounded a dog. Concerned lest the boys were hurting the dog, he went over and asked "What are you doing with that dog?"

One of the boys replied, "This dog is just an old neighborhood stray. Weall want him, but only one of us can take him home. So we've decided that whichever one of us can tell the biggest lie will get to keep the dog."

The lawyer was taken aback. "You boys shouldn't be having a contest telling lies!" he exclaimed. He then launched into a ten minute sermon against lying, beginning, "Don't you boys know it's a sin to lie?" and ending with, "Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie."

There was dead silence for about a minute. Just as the lawyer was beginning to think he'd gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh and said, "All right, give him the dog."

Michael J.

Foreign Language

A Swiss tourist is traveling through Chelm and looking for directions. He pulls up at a bus stop where Chaim and Yankel are waiting."Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he asks.

Chaim and Yankel just stare at him.

"Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?" he tries. The two continue to stare. "Parlare Italiano?" No response. "Hablan ustedes Espanol?" Still nothing.

The Swiss tourist finally drives off, frustrated. Chaim turns to Yankel and says, "You know, maybe we should learn a foreign language."

"Why?" says Yankel. "That guy knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good."

Lana E.

College Graduate

Maurice has recently graduated from college and is now ready to start applying for some jobs in New York’s financial sector. But he feels that he needs to dress in the appropriate Wall Street style. So he goes to his father and says, "Dad, I need some money."

"What! More money yet?" says his father. "What do you think you need money for this time?"

"I need to buy an Italian made pin-stripe suit for my interviews," replies Maurice.

"And how much is that Italian suit going to cost me?" asks
his father.

"If I had to guess, $1,500 at least," replies Maurice.

Moshe’s father goes red in the face, and almost gagging replies, “$1,500?! Why, I've bought cars in the past for less than $1,500."

"That's exactly why I need a good quality suit Dad," replies Maurice."I need to make sure that I will never have to drive a $1,500 car."

Martin R.

Kosher Trick

A Jewish man was in a supermarket in Baltimore. He saw an African American woman trying to get her young child to put down a candy bar he had picked up off the shelf.

"Latrell, you put that down! It's not kosher!"

Intrigued, the young man decided to investigate. "Excuse me, ma'am, are you Jewish?"

"No."

"So why did you say that?"

"Why? I'll tell you why. I see all those Jewish mothers saying that to their kids – and it works, so I decided to try it."

Avi B.

Bananas

At Tel Aviv’s municipal hospital patients must first be interviewed by a nurse before being admitted. The nurse asks, among other things, if the new patient suffers from any allergies. If they do, the nurseobtains a special allergy bracelet which is placed on the patient's wrist as a reference for all of the hospital employees.

On one particular occasion the nurse asked an elderly woman if she had any allergies. The old woman responded by saying that she was unable to eat bananas.

The nurse received a considerable surprise later in the day when the old lady’s irate son, Henry, came out of the ward demanding, “Who's responsible for labeling my mother 'bananas?'”

Eddie S.