A Natural Path to Remission?

Past Articles:
THE LIGHTER SIDE





Forgetful Canine

A dog walks into a butcher shop and the butcher asks, “What do you want?” The dog points to steak in a glass case. “How many pounds?” The dog barks twice. “Anything else?”The dog points to some lamb chops and barks four times. The butcher wraps up a two-pound steak and four lamb chops, and places the bag in the dog’s mouth. He then takes money from a purse tied around the dog’s neck, and sees him out.

A customer, who has been watching in amazement, follows the dog to a house several blocks away, where it rings the doorbell to be let in. As the
owner appears at the door, the customer says, “What a remarkable dog!”

“Remarkable?” snorts the owner. “This is the second time thisweek he’s forgotten his keys.”

Eli H.

Odd Kitchen Utensil

My collection of vintage kitchen utensils includes one whose intended purpose was always a mystery. It looks like a cross between a metal slotted spoon and a spatula, so I use it as both. When not in use, it is prominently displayed in a decorative ceramic utensil caddy in my kitchen.

The mystery of the spoon/spatula was recently solved when I found one in its original packaging at a rummage sale.

It’s a pooper-scooper.

Patty B.

Tricky Password

A computer tech was in a couple’s home trying to fix their internet connection.
The husband called out to his wife in the other room for the computer password.
“Start with a capital S, then 123,” she shouted back.

We tried S123 several times, but it didn’t work. So, the computer tech called the wife in. As she typed in the password, she muttered, “I really don’t know what’s so difficult about typing Start123.”

Florence D.

Right or Left?

“Halt!” shouted the drill instructor. He had noticed that, for the umpteenth time, a recruit kept going to his right on a left command. The instructor approached the directionally challenged Marine and stomped on his left foot. “Now,” he said, “when I say ‘left,’ it’s the one that hurts.”

Fred Z.

Rib Roast Sale

Rivkah is doing her Shabbat shopping and she goes into Yitz’s butcher shop that has a sign in the window saying, "Sale! Rib Roast Only Five Dollars Per Pound!"

Rivkah thinks that she’s found herself a real deal, so she asks the butcher for ten pounds worth. But he shakes his head and says, "Sorry. I'm all out."

Disappointed, Rivkah goes down the street to Shloime the Butcher and asks, "How much is your Rib Roast?"

Shloimie replies, "It's $15
per pound."

"Fifteen!?!" Rivkah exclaims.
"Just up the street, Yitz sells it
for five dollars!"

Shloimie the butcher smiles calmly and asks, "Does he have any?"

"No. He's out of it right now."

"Well," says Shloimie, "When I don't have any, I can sell it for four dollars per pound!"

Edward N.

Lost in Translation

The Goldman’s were visiting their cousins for Shabbat. On Shabbat morning, the rabbi announced that they could choose a Humash
that was in Hebrew or one that was in English.

Little Shimshi Goldman tugged at his mother’s sleeve and whispered, "Mommy, I want the one
in Hebrew."

"But Shimshi,” his mother replied, “You can't
read Hebrew."

Little Shimshi replied, "Mommy, I can't read English either."

Carol S.

Pet Peeve

Morris had been begging his mother for months to get a pet hamster. After promising that he would take care of it, Morris’s mother finally relented. And sure enough, it ended up being Mom's responsibility.

One evening, exasperated, Morris’s mom asked him, "Morris, how many times do you think
that hamster would have died if I hadn't looked after it?"

After a moment, Morris replied quizzically, "Once?"

The Shmulster

Little Problems

Our school had just installed a new air-conditioning system, and a representative from the company wanted to make sure it was running smoothly. Poking his head into an empty classroom, he asked the teacher, "Any little problems here?"

"No," she said, smiling. "All our little problems have gone home."

"A check," replied the guide.

Maxie F.

Vacation Plans

At the beginning of my junior year in high school, our homeroom teacher had us fill out a form stating our future goals. Out of curiosity, I leaned over tosee what my friend put down for her aspirations.

Where it read "Vocational Plans," she had written, "Florida."

Harry G.

The Dog and the Bird

Old Mrs. Shpeilman lived alone, except for her dog and her bird. One day, Mrs. Shpeilman’s dishwasher stopped working so she called a repairman. Since she had to spend the day at her daughter’s house the next day, she told the repairman,
"I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check.

"By the way, don't worry about my bulldog. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot! I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"

When the repairman arrived at Mrs. Shpeilman’s apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest-looking bulldog he had ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet, watching the repairman go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling and name calling. Finally, the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"

To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"

Marvin S.

Apology Accepted

Teacher: George Washington not only chopped down his father’s cherry tree but also admitted it. Now, Joey, do you know why his father didn’t punish him?

Joey: Because George still had the ax in his hand?

Lisa A.

An Apple a Day…

A nurse at the local hospital entered a patient’s room to draw blood. Noticing an apple on his nightstand, the nurse remarked, “An apple a day keeps the doctor away, right?”

“That’s true,” the patient agreed. “I haven’t seen a doctor in three days.”

Marty J.

X-Ray Vision

The first grade Talmud Torah class
was getting a tour of a local hospital by Dr. Rothman – the father of one of the boys in the class. Dr. Rothman took the kids to the radiology unit
and showed them an X-ray machine.

"Who here has ever broken a bone?” Dr. Rothman asked.

Little Moishie raised his hand.

"Did it hurt?" asked Dr. Rothman.

"No," replied Moishie.

"Really?” asked Dr. Rothman surprised. “Which bone did you break?"

"My sister Rachel's arm.”

Sarah M.

Three
Questions

A guy goes into a lawyer’s office and asks the lawyer: “Excuse me, how much do
you charge?”

The lawyer responds:
“I charge $1,000 to answer three questions.”

“Wow – that’s a bit expensive isn’t it?”

“Yes. What’s your third question?”

Alex C.