PRAYING FOR ISRAEL Former IDF Chief of Staff, General Moshe Ya’alon, Gives Sober Assessment of the Jewish State’s Current Security Situation

Past Articles:

On a Budget

Helen and Isaac were having a hard time financially and needed to keep their spending to a minimum. To keep her household account as low as she could, Helen decided not to have her dress dry-cleaned. Instead, she washed it by hand.

When Isaac returned from work, Helen proudly told him of her idea to save money. She said, “Just think, Isaac, we are $15.00 richer because I washed this dress by hand.”“Great,”Isaac quickly replied. “Wash it again!”

                Madeline A.

The Aliyah

A Gabbai approaches a guest in the synagogue and says,
“I want to give you an Aliyah. What’s your name?”

The man answers, “Rifka
bat Jacob.”

The Gabbai says, “No, I need your name.”

The man says, “I told you, it’s Rifka bat Jacob.”

The Gabbai asks, “How can that be your name?”

The man replies, “I've recently been in some serious financial difficulties and so everything is now in my wife's name.”

Jake Z.

A Wise Choice

Sadie was making some pancakes as a treat for her two young sons, Simon and Nicky. But the boys began to argue as to who should get the first pancake she made.

“Shame on you boys,”said Sadie. “If the wise King Solomon were here today, he would say, ‘let my brother have the first pancake.’”

Nicky looked at Simon and said, “OK, Simon, you be King Solomon today.”

Laurie G.

Have Teeth Will Travel

When the air raid siren went off in Tel Aviv, Hannah rushed down the stairs toward the basement of their apartment block. Joseph was much slower so she stopped and shouted back up the stairs, “Come on Joseph, get moving!”

Joseph shouted down to her, “Wait a minute, Hannah. I’m looking for my teeth.”

“Never mind your silly teeth, Joseph,”Hannah shouted back, “what do you think they’ll drop on us – smoked salmon bagels?”

Moshe B.

Moshe the Magician

Moshe the Magician was playing to a packed London variety theatre. When he came to the point in his act where he needed someone to help him, he called up the biggest, strongest-looking man he could find in the audience.

When the helper came up on stage, Moshe handed him a rubber mallet and said, “When I put my head on this wooden block, hit me as hard as you can. And don’t worry about hurting me – it won't affect me at all. It’s my act.”

The man said, “Okay, if you say so.”

So, Moshe put his head on the block and said, “OK, you can hit me now.”

Ten years later, Moshe woke up in a hospital bed from a coma and yelled, “Ta-Da!”

Ike M.

Top Secret

Sally had worked as an accounts clerk for the Prague candlesticks company for nearly 30 years when she passed away. Everyone remembered how she would arrive at her desk every morning at exactly 8:30am. She would put on her glasses, unlock her desk, and peer closely into the top drawer. Then she would re-lock her desk and get on with her work. She did this every working day and no one, not even the senior accountant, knew what was in her top drawer. Now that she was not around any longer, her work colleaguescould find out her secret.

So, they unlocked her desk and opened the top drawer. Inside they found a small piece of paper with these words written on it, “THE SIDE TOWARDS THE DOOR IS THE DEBIT SIDE.”

Sammy T.

Lottery Winner

Max just couldn’t believe it – he had won a top prize in the lottery. He just had to tell his best friend. Maurice congratulated Max and asked how he had picked his
six numbers.

“I chose my age and the ages of my wife and 3 children,” replied Max.

“But that’s only 5 numbers,” said Maurice. “What about the sixth number?”

“Well, it was a miracle,” replied Max. “Six sevens appeared to me in a dream and danced before my very eyes.
Six times seven is 49 and so I chose 49.”

“Hey, wait a minute,” said Maurice, “six times seven is
42 not 49.”

“Huh?... All right, so you be the mathematical genius.”

Carolyn K.

The Missing Kippah

Abe asked his eldest son to say the blessing over the bread. His son realized that he didn't have his head covered, so he asked his little brother to put a hand on his head until he finished the blessing. But after a few minutes, the younger son grew impatient and took off his hand.

Abe said, “What are you doing?
Put your hand back on your
brother's head.”

The younger son replied, “Am I my brother's kippah?”

Marc H.

Looking for Work

Hette was talking to her friend Molly. “My son Ralphie,”
said Hette proudly, “has first class degrees in psychology, economics, and politics.”

“You must be proud of him,” said Molly.

“Yes, I am,” replied Hette. “He can’t get a job but at least
he knows why.”

Lisa D.

Business Failure

Benny was talking to his best friend Harry. “You know Harry,
I can’t understand why you failed in business. You had such good ideas.”

“Too much advertising was the main reason for my failure,”replied Harry.

“But I can’t remember you spending a penny on advertising all your life,” said Benny.

“You’re correct there,” said Harry, “but all my competitors did.”

Frederick L.

Bar Mitzvah Safari

Hal was a bragger and loved to out-do his friends whenever he could, and now it was coming up to the time of his son Isaac’s bar mitzvah. He gave it a lot of thought and then, after studying many brochures and maps, he hit upon a perfect, unique way to celebrate – a safari.

So, Hal went ahead with the detailed arrangements.
He started off by hiring a special flight to Africa to accommodate all the invited family and friends. Then he chose a guide and his bearers. He phoned the guide long distance and told him what he wanted.

“I want my entourage to be ableto hear jungle chants; I want to be able to shoot some wild animals, on film of course; I need a clearing to be found where my Rabbi can hold the service; and I want my son to be able to recite his prayers in Hebrew while standing on the body of an anaesthetized lion.”

“OK,” said the guide, “no problem.”

The guests were ecstatic when they received details of the weekend and all accepted their invites. Come the day of departure, they were all flown to Africa. On arrival, the guide and bearers were waitingfor them, together with 30 elephants. Off they went with the guide leading the way and directing the elephants along the narrow trails through the rain forest. But then, just five hours into the journey, the column of elephants came to a sudden halt and the guide shouted, “There will now be a delay of two hours.”

Hal was angry at this. “Why the delay?” he asked his guide.

“There’s nothing I can do,” said the guide. “there’s another two bar mitzvah safaris ahead of us.”

Dave P.