Kollel Milhamta Shel Torah of Queens A Spiritual Home for Torah and Tefillah

Past Articles:
THE LIGHTER SIDE





Charity

The shul’s rabbi was disappointed about the amount of money his congregants were giving to charity. He prayed that the rich should give more charity to the poor.

“And has your prayer been answered?” asked his wife.

“Half of it was,”replied the rabbi. “The poor are willing to accept the money.”

Gladys D.

Hospital Visit

An old man is struck by a car and brought to the hospital.
A nurse enters his room and says, “Sir, are you comfortable?”

The old man replies, “I make a nice living.”

Martin T.

Late to Work

Bernstein walks into work one day at 10am. He is very late. His boss is furious. “You should have been here at 8:30!” he shouts.

“Why?” asks Bernstein. “What happened at 8:30?”

Carol R.

The Magician

A magician worked on a cruise ship.

The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick.

Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, “Look, it's not the same hat!” or, “Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!” or “Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?”

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot.

Then one stormy night on the Pacific the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board.

The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the ocean, as fate would have it ... with the parrot. They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.

This went on for a day... and then 2 days ... and then 3 days.

Finally, on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said... “OK, I give up. Where's the ship?”

Maureen M.

Highest Bid

A man goes to an auction and sees a beautiful parrot and he is determined to bid on it. As he starts the bidding the bids get higher and higher, to a point where it was higher than what he intended, but he continues bidding, and finally gets his wish.
He goes over the auctioneer and tells him, “This parrot better know how to talk after I spent so much money on him.
The auctioneer replies: “Oh yes, he sure does!” “What makes you so sure?” “Who do you think was bidding against you!”

Abhu Cohen

The Taxi Driver

A Polish immigrant goes to the Department of Motor Vehicles to apply for a driver's license and is told he has to take an eye test.

The examiner shows him a card with the letters:

C Z J W I X N O S T A C Z

“Can you read this?” the examiner asks.

“Read it?” the Polish guy replies, “I know the guy!!”

                Dave A.

The Israeli
Worker's Union

Max, a Vaadnik (union head), is addressing a union meeting at a certain unnamed Israeli government-owned company.

“Comrades – haverim, we have agreed on a new deal with the management. We will no longer work five days a week.”

“Hooray!” goes the crowd.

“We will finish work at 3pm,
not 4pm.”

“Hooray!“ goes the crowd, again.

“We will start work at 9am,
not 7am.”

“Hooray!”

“We havea 150% pay rise.”

“Hooray!”

“We will only work on Wednesdays.”

Silence...then a voice from the back asks, “Every Wednesday?”

Eddie S.

What Time Is It

There was once this fellow who did not own a watch. Whenever he wanted to know the time, he would simply ask someone.

“Why don't you just buy a watch?”a coworker finally snapped at him after being asked one time
too many.

“Why should I buy a watch, when I can simply ask!”

“Well,”asked his coworker, “What do you do in middle of the night?”

“I use a shofar!”said
the fellow.

“A shofar?”

“Yes. Whenever I want to know the time, I go to the window, I blow the shofar, and all my neighbors start yelling, ʻWhat are you doing? It's two in
the morning!ʼ”

Ronnie W.

Jewish Jokes

David is telling a new joke to Yossi.

“Yitzhak and Hymie were talking one day...”

Right away, Yossi interrupts him. “Always with the Jewish jokes! Give it a rest! Why do your jokes always have to be about Jews? Just change the names to another ethnic group for once will you, David!”

So, David starts again, “Hashimoto and Suzuki were talking one day at their nephew's bar mitzvah...”

Greg C.

The Visit to Mars

Two astronauts make the first manned flight to Mars. Upon landing, they find themselves face-to-face witha couple of green Martians.

“How do we make contact?” asks the first astronaut. “They look pretty primitive. Let's impress them with some of our technology.”

“OK.” says the first.

He reaches into the pocket of his spacesuit and pulls out a shiny cigarette lighter. The Martians look interested.

“I think it's working – light it!” says the second.

The first astronaut turns the wheel and a flame shoots out. Immediately the faces of the Martians turn from green to red.

“Wow!” says the first, “they must really be impressed.”

Then one of the Martians reaches out his little green hand, points a finger at the men, frowns, and says very sternly, "Shabbos!"

Morris B.

The Tailor

A fellow came to a tailor to have a suit made for a special occasion. When the suit was ready the man came to the tailor's shop to try it on. To his horror he discovered that one sleeve was significantly longer than the other sleeve and one pants leg was about 4 inches shorter than it needed to be. The fellow complained to the tailor. Theevent was that evening and he needed the suit.

The tailor advised the desperate fellow that he should pull his arm up in such a fashion that the short-sleeved arm sits right at the hand. He contorted himself as recommended. Then he suggested that he shift his weight in such a way that the cuff of the all too short pant leg comes right to the shoe.

He paid for the ill-fitted suit and went off limping down the street. Two gentlemen were walking behind him and were observing how he was ambulating down the street. One man said to the other, “Look at that unfortunate fellow, how disfigured and misshapen he is!” To which his colleague replied on a positive note, “At least he has a good tailor!”

                Susan K.

Medical Humor

The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, “Mrs.Cohen, your check came back.” Mrs. Cohen replied, “So did my arthritis!”

Doctor: “You'll live to be 60!”
Patient: “I AM 60!”
Doctor: “See! What did I tell you?”

Patient: “I have a ringing in my ears.”
Doctor: “Don't answer!”

Abhu Cohen