PURIM Unmasked

Past Articles:
THE LIGHTER SIDE





Birthday Gift

Berel meets Schmerel shopping
at the mall and sees he has a small
gift-wrapped box.

“It's my wife's birthday tomorrow,” Schmerel said. “Last week I asked Sarah what she wanted for her birthday.”

“And?” Berel asked.

“Well, she said, 'Oh, I don't know just give me something with diamonds in it.ʼ”

“So, what did you get her?” asked Berel.

“I bought her a deck of cards!!”

Mordechai A.

Cooking Lessons

When eight-year-old Rivka visits her Bubbie, she loves to watch her in the kitchen. “Bubbie,” Rivka asked one day, “where did you learn how to cook?”

Bubbie told her that she learned from her mother and passed on this knowledge to her daughter. “Someday,” Bubbie continued, “your mother will pass this knowledge
along to you.”

There was a short silence. “I’m not so sure,” Rivka said. “Mommy puts everything in the microwave. I think I’ll be better off if I stay here and watch you.”

                Gladys C.

Wedding Present

David and Shira Stern had a wedding to go to and needed a wedding gift. “Do we really have to shell out more cash for another wedding I don’t want to go to?” David asked.

Aha! He thought. “We still have that monogrammed silver tray from our wedding that we never use. Iʼll just take it to a silversmith and have him remove our monogram and put the names of the new couple. Voilà, one cheap wedding present!”

David took it to the silversmith and asked him to remove the monogram and put the new one on. The silversmith examined the tray carefully, shook his head and said, “Buddy, this can only be done so many times!”

Janet K.

Vision Impaired

Little Moishie has worn glasses since the age of three. When he was in the first grade, he came home one day very distressed. Wanting to find out what was the matter his mother asked, “Moishie, whathappened today to upset you so?”

Moishie answered, “It's not fair that I'm not allowed to go to
the library.”

Moishie’s mother became very concerned and asked, “Why aren't you allowed to go to
the library?”

With a tearful reply he said, “Because, in order to go to the library, you have to have
super-vision, and I wear glasses!”

Steven D.

Weight Conscious

Shloimie, who was struggling with his weight, went into Yitz’s Bakery, marveling at the delicious looking pastries displayed on trays in the glass cases.

When a clerk approached him and asked, “What would you like?” Shloimie answered, “I'd like that chocolate-covered, cream-filled doughnut, that jelly-filled doughnut, and that cheese Danish.”

Then with a sigh he added, “But Iʼll take
an oat bran muffin.”

Carl F.

The Bright Side

Chaim Yankel entered the company's Human Resources Department and handed the executive his application. After reviewing the papers, the executive noticed that Chaim Yankel had been fired from every job he had ever had.

“Young man,” the executive said, “I've looked over your work history and it is terrible. You have been fired from every job!”

“Yes,” replied Chaim Yankel. “But you have to look at the bright side.”

“There really is no bright side,” said
the executive.

“Of course there is,” Chaim Yankel replied.
“This shows you that I'm not a quitter!”

Barry B.

Purim Surprise

Figuring that her four-year-old son Max was listening in the next room, Suzie decided to tell her husband David the Purim gift she had bought for Max by spelling out the words “fire truck.”

David nodded and said, “I think it would be a great gift.”

From the other side of the wall, they heard little Max yell, “I don't want letters for Purim!”

Sarah R.

The Dream

Alan was talking to his psychiatrist.
“I had a weird dream recently,” he says. “I saw my mother but then I noticed she had your face. I found this so worrying that I immediately awoke and couldn't get back to sleep. I just stayed there thinking about it until 7:00am. I got up, made myself a slice of toast and some coffee, and came straight here. Can you please help me explain the meaning of my dream?”

The psychiatrist kept silent for some time, then said, “One slice of toast and coffee? Do you call that a breakfast?”

                Leon H.

The Deal

Joseph had just passed his driving test, so he asked his father, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father replied, “Joseph, Iʼll make a deal with you. You bring your school grades up, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut, and we'll talk about it.”

After about a month Joseph came back and again asked his father if they could discuss use of the car. His father replied, “Joseph, Iʼve been really proud of you. You have raised your school grades, you've studied your Bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut!”

Joseph waited a moment and replied, “You know Dad, Iʼve been thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Abraham had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Moses had long hair...”

To which the father replied, “Yes, and they walked everywhere they went!”

Benjamin H.

Two Jews in Russia

Two Jews were standing and talking on a street in Russia. One of them did not have official papers permitting him to be in Russia at the time. When a police officer approached them to verify their documents, the Jew with the documents told his friend not to worry as he began to run from the officer.

The officer began to chase him. When he finally caught up
the officer asked him to show his documents, which he did. The officer asked him,
“Why did you run away
from me when you have the
right documents?”

“My doctor told me to run one mile each day,” responded
the Jew.

“But why didn't you stop when you saw me running after you,” asked the officer.

“I thought your doctor told you the same,” said the Jew.

Eli D.

Doctor’s Advice

My doctor told me that
jogging could add years to my life. He was right – I jogged
this morning and I feel ten years older!

Jack V. Grazi

The Last Meal

Fabritzi, Jacques, and Abe are about to be executed and they are asked what they wished to have for their last meal.

Fabritzi asks for a pizza pie, which he is served. He is
then executed.

Jacques asks for a filet mignon, which he is served. He too is then promptly executed.

Abe requests a plate
of strawberries.

“Strawberries?”

“Yes,” replies Abe, “strawberries.”

“But they are out of season.”

“So, nu, I'll wait.”

                Susan K.