How Many People Can One Person Feed?

Past Articles:
THE LIGHTER SIDE





One-Liners

Q: Why did the boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?

A: Because he did not want to wake the sleeping pills!

***

Q:Why did the boy take a nap in
the bathroom? 

A:Because the sign on the door said, “RESTROOM”!

Jacqueline Ades,
granddaughter of Jack Grazi

The Cheap Taxi Ride

Mordechai, his wife, and their three children have just finished their shopping and decided to take a taxi back home. So Mordechai hails a cab and says to the driver, “If you turn off the meter, how much will you charge to drive us to Brooklyn?” “For you and your wife, I'll charge just $12,” says the taxi driver. “And I'll take the 3 children for free. Is that okay?” Mordechai turns to his children and says, “Jump into the taxi, children, this nice man will take you home. Your mother and I will take the bus.”

Morris A.

Medical Exam

The man looked a little worried when the doctor came in to administer his annual physical, so the first thing the doctor did was to ask whether
anything was troubling him.

“Well, to tell the truth, Doc, yes,” answered the patient. “You see, I seem to be getting forgetful. No, it's actually worse than that. Iʼm never sure I can remember where I put the car, or whether I answered a letter, or where Iʼm going, or what it is I'm going to do once I get there – if I
get there. So, I really need your help.
What can I do?”

The doctor mused for a moment, and then answered in his kindest tone,
“Pay me in advance.”

Carol L.

Train Ticket

Sadie Cohen lived in an integrated neighborhood on Long Island. A neighbor, a very friendly and generous African American woman, stopped by one Saturday and offered, “Mrs. Cohen, I have to go to NYC this afternoon to meet my daughter. Can I get you anything?” Mrs. Cohen thanked her and counter-offered, “Listen, I have a commuter's ticket for the train. Why don't you use my ticket, and you'll bring it back tonight? After all, it's paid for. Why should you pay extra?”

The neighbor thanked her, and with the ticket in hand made her way to the train station. When the train arrived, she boarded, and as the conductor walked through, he happened to glance at the ticket, noticing the name “Sadie Cohen.”

The conductor asked, “Excuse me, madam, are you Sadie Cohen, the person whose name appears on
this ticket?”

The woman smiled sweetly and nodded her head in the affirmative.

More than a little suspicious, the conductor asked, “Would you let me compare signatures? Would you mind signing your name?”

The African American lady turned indignantly to the conductor and snapped, “Man, are you crazy? You want me to write on Shabbat?!”

Sally T.

Free at Last

I spoke to a homeless man this morning and asked him how he ended up this way. He said, “Up until last week, I still had it all. I had plenty to eat, my clothes were washed and pressed, and I had a roof over my head. I went to the gym, the pool, and the library. I was working on my MBA online, I had no bills and no debt, and I even had full medical coverage.” I felt sorry for him, so I asked, “What happened? Lost your job, were you sick, did you get divorced?” “Oh no, nothing like that,” he said. “No, no –
I was paroled!”

Abe C.

Locked Out

As we have all done at some time, Maxie locks himself out of his car on a hot summer day. But he manages to find a wire coat hanger in a nearby dustbin and goes back to his car to try to open the lock. As soon ashe shoves the wire through the slightly open window, his wife Sarah starts telling him what to do. “Maxie, move it more to the right, now more to the left. Higher! Lower!”Finally, Sarah says, “What's taking you so long, Maxie?”Maxie replies, “Sarah, it's easy for you to say, sitting inside an air-conditioned car!”

Bobby K.

Transportation Upgrade

“My son is something else,” Mrs. Finkelstein told her friend. “He traveled to Atlantic City last week in a $25,000 car and returned a few days later in a $100,000 vehicle!”

“Wow! He won that much money?” her friend replied. “He must really know how to gamble.”

“Well, not really,” said the mother. “He went in our car, but had to return by bus.”

Dave G.

Quick Thinking

Isaac arrives in London from Canada and takes a job working on the shop floor of HYMIE’S SUPERMARKET. One day, a customer asks him where he can find half a head of lettuce and Isaac tells him that they only sell whole heads of lettuce. But the customer is insistent and gets Isaac to consult with Hymie. So, Isaac goes into the back room and says to Hymie, “Some yo-yo wants to buy a half a head of lettuce.”

As he finishes his sentence, Isaac turns to find the customer standing right behind him, so he quickly adds, “And this gentleman offered to buy the other half.”

Hymie approves the deal and the customer leaves satisfied. Later that day, Hymie says to Isaac, “I was very impressed with the way you got yourself out of that tricky situation earlier. We like people who can think on their feet here. Where are you from?”

“I’m from Canada, sir,” Isaac replies.

“So why did you leave Canada?” Hymie asks.

“Because too many yentas and hockey players live there,” replies Isaac, smiling.

“That’s quite surprising,” says Hymie, looking angry. “My wife is from Canada.”

 Isaac replies, “You don't say? Who did she play for?”

Ralph Z.

Is There a Doctor in the House?

A woman runs into a theatre in Israel, calling out, “Is there a doctor in the house, doctor, doctor?”

The play stops, the lights go on, and three men get up, each saying, “I am a doctor – how can I help?”

“Oy”, answers the woman, “have I got a girl for you!”

Lisa D.

Failing Grade

The big red “F” stared back at young Moishie on his exam paper.

Moishie’s friend Shmueli looked at his glum friend and asked, “Why did you get such a low grade on that test?”

“Because of an absence,” Moishie answered.

“You mean you were absent on the day of the test?”
Shmueli questioned.

Little Moishie replied, “No, but the kid who sits next to
me was.”

Joey E.