SZ Connect: Helping Community Singles Split the Sea

Past Articles:
THE LIGHTER SIDE





Chicken Little

One day, Emma the teacher is reading out loud to her class the story of Chicken Little. Emma soon reads out the part where Chicken Little tries to warn the farmer. “So Chicken Little went over to the farmer and said, ‘The sky is falling, the sky is falling!’”

Emma then asks her class, “What do you think the farmer then said?”

Little Claire raises his hand. “I think he said, ‘Goodness, a talking chicken!’”

Maureen C.

Funny Soup

Mommy and Daddy had taken little Marty to Bloom’s kosher restaurant.

During their first course, Marty says, “This soup tastes funny, Daddy.”

His daddy replies, “So why aren’t
you laughing?”

Alex L.

Visit to the Butcher

Little Naomi goes to her kosher butcher and asks, “My mom wants to know how much is the duck?”

The butcher replies, “$52.00”

“OK,” says Naomi, “Could you please send us the bill.”

“I'm sorry,” says the butcher, “but you'll have to take the whole bird.”

Moses T.

The Mind Reader

Ruth looks down over her balcony and sees her son Mervyn playing football on the lawn.

“Mervyn,ˮshe shouts down at him,
“Mervyn, please come inside at once.ˮ

Mervyn looks up at her and says, “Why Mommy? Am I cold again?ˮ

“No Mervyn, you're not cold,ˮreplies Ruth, “you want to eat.ˮ

Jackie B.

Full Speed Ahead

Harry goes to see Dr. Myers. As soon as he enters the doctor's office, Harry says, “Oh, doctor, am I in trouble!”

“Why, what's the matter?” asks Dr. Myers.

“I can't remember what I ate for breakfast this morning, doctor, or where I had lunch yesterday, or even whether I went to shul last Shabbat. I can't even remember my Hebrew name. I think I'm going crazy!”

“So when did this all start?” asks Dr. Myers.

“Whendid what all start?” replies Harry.                                                        Isaac T.

One-Liner

Q: Why do bees have sticky hair?

A:Because they use honeycombs!

Ralph H.

Full Speed Ahead

Freda is 95 years old and she still drives her car to the local shops every week. One day she is caught speeding. When asked by the police officer why she was speeding, she replies, “I'm very sorry for going so fast, officer, but I have a poor memory.”

“So what has your memory got to do with your speeding?” asks the officer.

“Because I was trying to get to the shops before I forgot where I was going,” replies Freda.

Lisa N.

Sportsmanship

Camp Magen David had started, and they decided to introduce the kids to tennis. At the beginning of the session the tennis teacher was talking about good sportsmanship.

He asked, “Can anyone tell me what a good sport is?ˮ

Little Morty raised his hand, got called on, and said, “Baseball!ˮ

Eddie F.

Dental Care

Hymie is sitting in the dentist's chair and is just about to have some extensive and expensive cosmetic work carried out on his teeth. Adam his dentist smiles at him and says, “Just before I start, Hymie, I'd like to tell you how lucky you are coming to me for this work. When I've finished with you, you'll be another man entirely.”

“I'm pleased to hear that, Adam” says Hymie.
“So don't forget to send your invoice to this
other man.”

David S.

The Youth of Today

19-year-old Rachel is getting married, and just before her wedding day her grandma is picked up and brought to her parents’ house for a family tea. It was thenthat her grandma gives Rachel her wedding present. Rachel opens the parcel, looks
at the present, then rummages around a bit.
Then she goes over to her grandma, kisses her, and says, “Oh Grandma, thank you so much for this lovely present.ˮ

“Oh, darling,ˮsays Grandma, “I'm so pleased that you like it.ˮ

“What new bride wouldn't like such a magnificent solid silver sewing basket?ˮsays Rachel. “It's got all the bits and pieces inside – reels of cotton, needles of all sizes, two lovely silver thimbles, and other things that I don't recognize. But Grandma, I've already looked inside the basket – there don't seem to be any instructions. Do you know where they are?ˮ

Barbara S.

Three Kosher Parrots

Benjy is in MOSHE'S KOSHER PETS to find a suitable pet parrot.
As he's walking around, he sees a group of three parrots in a large cage. So he calls over Moshe, points to the blue parrot and asks, “How much is that parrot?ˮ

Moshe replies, “That lovely parrot is $350.ˮ

Oy,ˮsays Benjy. “Why is it so expensive?ˮ

“I've priced the blue parrot at $350 because it has learned the whole Tanachby heart,ˮreplies Moshe.

And to prove it, Moshe goes over to the cage and the parrot recites the first few words of the Torah.

Although impressed with the blue parrot, it was too expensive,
so Benjy points to the yellow and green parrot and asks,
“And how much is this parrot?ˮ

Moshe replies, “That parrot is $800.ˮ

Oy vey,ˮsays Benjy. “It's even more expensive than the blue
one. Why?ˮ

Moshe replies, “Because the yellow and green parrot can discuss the whole Talmud.ˮ

And to prove it, Moshe goes over to the cage and asks, “Nashimis one of the six orders of the Mishnah. What are the components of Nashim

And the yellow and green parrot immediately replies, “Yevamot, Ketubot, Nedarim, Nazir, Sotah, Gittin, andKiddushin

Although very impressed with the yellow and green parrot, it too was far too expensive. So Benjy points to the red parrot and hoping it was affordable asks, “And how much is the red parrot?ˮ

Moshe replies, “That parrot is $2,000.ˮ

Oy vey,ˮsays Benjy. “What on earth can this parrot do that's so special to make it excessively expensive?ˮ

“Well,ˮreplies Moshe, ˮI've not yet been able to discover what his talent is, but what I do know is that the other two parrots call him ‘Rabbi.’ˮ                                                             Mordechai K.

Professional Worrier

Chaim Yankel was known as Chelm’s biggest worrier, and he felt like the worrying was ruining his life. He saw a psychologist who recommended a specialist who could help him.

His friend, Berel, noticed a dramatic change and asked, “What happened, Chaim Yankel? Nothing seems to worry you anymore.”

“I hired a professional worrier and I haven't had a worry since,” replied Chaim Yankel.

“That must be expensive,” Berel replied.

“He charges $5,000 a month,” Chaim Yankel told him.

“$5,000!!? How in the world can you afford to pay him?” exclaimed Berel.

“I don't know. That's his problem.”                                                   Jonathan C.