What Are You Going To Do, If You Don’t Know What To Do?

Past Articles:
THE LIGHTER SIDE





Speeding Ticket

A woman was driving her old beat up car on the highway with her seven-year-old son, Jack. She tried to keep up with the traffic, but the other cars were flying right past her. She realized that she was driving 15 miles over the speed limit, and then saw the flashing lights of a police car behind her. She pulled over to the side of the road and the police officer came over to the car. The police officer said, “Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?” Before she can respond, her son Jack replied, “I do - because you couldn’t catch up to the other cars!”

Jack Grazi

Good Manners

Little Rivka was a very polite young lady and liked spending time with her grandpa and having him teach her about proper etiquette. Oneday Rivka said, “Grandpa, I notice that when you sneeze, you put your hands in front of your mouth. Are you doing that because it’s the polite thing to do?”

“No sweetheart,ˮhe explained. “I’m doing it so I can catch my teeth!”

Raymond H.

Saving Money

Morty’s son arrived home from school puffing and panting, sweat rolling down his face.

“Dad, youʼll be so proud of me,ˮhe said, “I saved $2.00 by running behind the bus all the way home!ˮ

“Ay!ˮsaid Morty, “You could have run behind a taxi and saved $10.00!ˮ

Joey C.

Gift Return

Max needed a lawyer for a small job and his friend Bobby told him that he should get the best, so upon Bobby’s recommendation he hired John Appleton, Esq. from a fancy downtown firm. Appleton was able to complete the small task quiteeasily and Max was quite pleased, so to express his appreciation, Max came to the attorney’s office and handed him a handsome wallet made of very fine and rare leather.

The attorney looked at the wallet in astonishment and handed it back to Max with a sharp reminder that a wallet could not possibly compensate him for his services. “My fee for that work,ˮacidly snapped Mr. Appleton, “is five hundred dollars.ˮMax then opened the wallet, removed a one-thousand-dollar bill, replaced it with a five-hundred-dollar bill and handed it back to the lawyer with a smile and said, “Ok, have it
your way.”

Henry A.

Airport Security

The Goldstein’s were traveling back from Florida where they spent a family vacation. Waiting in line to check in,
Mrs. Goldstein was trying in vain to get her group of rambunctious boys to
calm down.

Finally, Mrs. Goldstein reached the counter, where the ticket agent asked her, “Have any of the items you plan to take with you on this flight been out of your immediate control since your arrival at the airport?ˮ

Mrs. Goldstein replied honestly, “The luggage, no; the children, yes.ˮ

Rachel M.

A Sign of Prosperity

Jakie started his very own business, which almost immediately began to prosper.
He was soon a very rich man. One day, his bank manager rang him and said,
“Jakie, I have a question about one of your recent checks. Could you confirm it is one of yours? For years, you've been signing all checks with two X’s but this one is signed with three X’s. Is it yours?”

Jakie replied, “Yes, it is. Since Iʼve become so wealthy, my wife thought I ought to have a middle name.”

The Shmulster

New Windows

Chaim Yankel replaced all the windows in his house in Chelm. He had expensive, double-insulated energy efficient
windows installed.

Twelve months later, Chaim Yankel gets a call from the contractor, complaining that the work has been done for a year but he hasn’t paid yet.

Chaim Yankel replies, “Now don't try to pull a fast one on me. The salesman who sold me those told me that in one year they would pay for themselves!ˮ

Moshe K.

Take Note

Bonnie knew she was a little bit of a worrier, but with a big surgery coming up she wasn’t going to leave anything to chance. So, prior to her operation she taped notes to her body for the surgeon... “Dr. Stern, take your time,ˮ“Don't cut yourself,ˮ“No need to rush,ˮ“Wash your hands...ˮ

After surgery, as she was in her bed, Bonnie discovered a new note taped to her, this one from Dr. Stern,
“Has anyone seen my wristwatch?ˮ

Carol L.

Post Turtle

Dr. Weinstein decided to move his practice from the city to the country because he liked the slower pace of life and the
down-to-earth nature of the locals. He particularly liked the unique perspective of some of the local farmers. One day Dr. Weinstein dropped in on old Farmer Higgins. They got to talking about politics.

Farmer Higgins said, “Well, ya know, that candidate is a ʻpost turtle.ʼˮ

Not being familiar with the term, Dr. Weinstein asked him what
a “post turtle” was.

Farmer Higgins said, “When you're driving down a country road you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, thatʼs a ʻpost turtle.ʼˮ

Farmer Higgins saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so
he continued to explain.

“You know they didn't get up there by themselves, they don't belong up there, they don't know what to do while they're up there, and you just wonder what kind of dummy put them up there to begin with.ˮ

Abie S.

Need a Plumber

David’s skills with do-it-yourselfhome repairs are not his strong suit. After spending several evenings trying to fix
a leak in the bathroom,
he finally admitted defeat
and called a plumber,
who finished the job in
ten minutes.

While watching him put away his equipment, David’s young son Freddy asked what the problem was.

“Well,ˮthe plumber replied, “seems that your father got hold of some tools...ˮ

Leon J.

The Jewish Astronaut

Morris, the Jewish astronaut, was asked why he was packing a tie with his spacesuit.

He replied, “My mother said that when I do a spacewalk,
I should looknice.ˮ

Later on, during the flight, Morris became frantic and radioed mission control. “I must make an emergency landing!ˮ

“Why?ˮ

“My wife called and she
wants to be picked up from
the hairdresser!ˮ

Frieda B

The Rowing Team

Yeshiva University in Golders Green decided to put together a rowing team.

Unfortunately, they lost race after race. They practiced for hours every day, but never managed to come in any better than dead last. The head of the Yeshiva finally decided he couldn't stand any more embarrassment, so he sent the coach to spy on the Oxford University team.

So, the coach snuck in to Oxford University and hid in the bushes off the river from where he carefully watched the Oxford team as they practiced.

The coach finally returned to the Yeshiva.

“I have figured out their secret,ˮhe announced.

“They have eight guys rowing and only one guy shouting.ˮ

Linda T.