SUMMER 2019 The Summer of Torah, Hesed, and Charity

Past Articles:
THE LIGHTER SIDE





Jimmy's Birthday Gift

Jimmy received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown, with a very bad attitude and a worse vocabulary. Every other word was a swear word; and those that weren't – were very rude.

Jimmy tried to change the bird's attitude by constantly saying polite things and playing soft music – anything he could think of. Nothing worked. He tried yelling at the bird, but the bird got worse. When he shook the bird, it got madder and ruder.

Finally, in a moment of desperation, Jimmy put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird swearing, squawking, kicking, and screaming and then, suddenly, there was absolute quiet.

Frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird, Jimmy quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto Jimmy's extended arm and said, "I'm sorry that I offended you with my language and my actions, and I ask your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior."

Jimmy was astounded at the bird's change in attitude. Before he could ask what changed him, the parrot said, "May I ask what the chicken did?"

Ralph L.

What’s in a Name?

A group of Jewish soldiers in the American military were visiting some of their counterparts in the Israeli army.

"What rank are you?" one of the Israelis asked one of the Americans.

"I'm relieved to say that I've just been promoted from Captain to Major."

"Why do you say relieved?"

"Because," he replied, "my last name
is Hook."

Jason F.

The Hearing Aid

Abe was talking to his neighbor. "I’ve just bought a new hearing aid, Izzy. It was very expensive at $2,000, but its state of the art and worth every penny."

"Really?" says Izzy, "What kind is it?"

"Twelve thirty."

Leon H.

Oy Vey

Four Jewish ladies are playing a game of cards in Miami Beach.

The first lady sighs and says, "Oy..."

The second lady nods, sighs, and says, "Oy vey!"

The third lady says, "Oy veys meer!"

The fourth lady chimes in: "Enough talk about the children already. Let's get back to the game."

Rochelle A.

The Lesson

Rifka, a young mother, was teaching her
six-year-old daughter Ruth how to unbuckle her seat belt.

Ruth asked, "Do I click the red square, Mommy?"

Rifka said, "Yes, darling."

Ruth then asked, "Single click or double click?"

Esther W.

Two Jews in Moscow

Two Jews were standing and talking on a Moscow street. One of them did not have official papers permitting him to be in Moscow at the time. When a police officer approached them to verify their documents, the Jew with the documents told his friend not to worry as he began to run from the officer.

The officer began to chase him. When he finally caught up, the officer asked him to show his documents, which he did. The officer asked him, "Why did you run away from me when you have the right documents?"

"My doctor told me to run one mile each day," responded
the Jew.

"But why didn't you stop when you saw me running after you?" asked the officer.

"I thought your doctor told you the same thing," said the Jew.

David T.

Fish Tales

Herman recently took up fishing, and one Sunday he sat in the blazing sun all day without catching a single one. On his way home, Herman stopped at the supermarket and ordered four bass. Herman told the fish salesman, "Pick four large ones out and throw them at me, will you?"

"Why do you want me to throw them at you?"

"Because I want to tell my wife that I caught them."

"Okay, but I suggest that you take the trout."

"Why?"

"Because your wife came in earlier today and said that if you came by, I should tell you to take the trout becausethat’s what she wants for supper tonight."

Talia D.

A for Effort

Morty went to see his supervisor. "Boss," he said, "we're doing some heavy housecleaning at home tomorrow, and Shirley asked me for some help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."

"We're shorthanded," the boss replied. "I can't give you the day off."

"Thank you," said Morty. "I knew I could count on you!"

Victoria Z.

Jewish Customs

A young scholar from New York was invited to become rabbi in a small old community in Chicago. On his very first Shabbat, a hot debate erupted as to whether one should or should not stand during the reading of the Ten Commandments.

The next day, the rabbivisited 98 year-old Mr. Katz in the nursing home. "Mr. Katz, I'm asking you, as the oldest member of the community," said the rabbi, "what is our synagogue's custom during the reading of the Ten Commandments?"

"Why do you ask?" asked Mr. Katz.

"Yesterday we read the Ten Commandments. Some people stood, some people sat. The ones standing started screaming at the ones sitting, telling them to stand up. The ones sitting started screaming at the ones standing, telling them to sit down..."

"That," said the old man, "is our custom."                 Mordechai E.

The Handyman

Lionel is out of work and, would you believe, goes to a nearby building site to see what jobs are going.

He goes up to the foreman and says, “Do you have
any vacancies?”

The foreman replies, “What do
you do?”

“I’m a handyman,” says Lionel.

“Can you do bricklaying?”

“No.”

“Can you do plumbing?”

“No.”

“Can you do carpentry?”

“No.”

“So why are you calling yourself a handyman, then?” says the foreman.

“Because,” replies Lionel, “I live around the corner.”

Jack T.

Almost a Bad Day at Work

A man joined a multinational company as a trainee.
On his first day he dialed
the cafeteria and shouted into the phone, "Get me a coffee quickly!"

The voice from the other side responded, "You fool. You've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to, dumbo?"

"No" replied the trainee.

"It's the CEO of the company, you fool!"

The trainee shouted back, "And do you know who YOU are talking to, you fool?"

"No," replied the CEO.

"Good!" replied the trainee as he put down the phone.

Ellen S.

The Yiddish Speaker

Sadie, an elderly lady, goes up to a man at a bus stop in Boro Park.

She tugs on the sleeve of his coat and asks, "Farshtayn Yiddish?"

The man answers, "Yes, ich farshtay."

Sadie then says, "Vot time is it?"

Maxie C.