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Dear Jido,

My fiancée and I are getting married this winter and have a wedding budget of $30,000 for 175 guests. B”H, my father is wealthy and can afford to pay for the entire wedding. However, he is refusing to provide more than $5,000 because he thinks, on principle, that my fiancée’s side should pay for the entire wedding. My fiancée and I can afford to put in some money ourselves, but it would be from a sizable chunk of the money that we are saving to buy a home.

What should we do? Should we disinvite people? Should we just cancel the wedding and elope? I am really angry with my dad for his inflexibility and stinginess. I am also upset with myself and my fiancée for proceeding with a wedding that we cannot afford.

What do you advise?

Wedding Planning Blues

Dear Wedding Planner,

The last thing you want or need as you approach your wedding night is more stress. And you definitely want to avoid any animosity by you or your kallahagainst either set of parents. Please know that there is no hard and fast rule as to who pays for what. Remember, there is the ring, the engagement party, the swanee, the shower, the wedding,and the sebit. Yes, it is traditional, at least in our community, that the bride's side pays for the wedding. But there is also a tradition that the groom's father might pay for FLOP (Flowers, Liquor, Orchestra, Photographer), some pay for FOP, and some pay nothing, and instead buy the couple a new home. Nothing is set in stone.

What you need is not advice but a solution. How fortunate we are that we have an organization in our precious community called "Semahot." They assist couples in paying forbrit milas, bar mitzvahs, and weddings. They have an Advisory Board that works with the couple and determines their needs and allocates funds as necessary.

I do not recommend that you dis-invite guests. I don't think it is necessary for you to donate yourown wedding gifts to pay for your own wedding. All this can just build resentment. Instead, contact Semahot at Semahot.com.Give them the facts and figures they need and let them assist you in gathering together the necessary funds. Perhaps, when "Dad" or"Pop" learn that you are turning to the community for money, he may take a different outlook on funding the joyous event.

The next few months should be the happiest time of your lives. Enjoy them. You seem to be acting responsibly with a relatively modestwedding, at least by community standards. Don't let money spoil your fun. Hashem will provide.