The Lighter Side
Little Eddie’s second-grade teacher was quizzing them on the alphabet.
“Eddie,” she says, “what comes after ‘O’?”
Eddie says, “Yeah!”
An old man was sitting in the local park trying to write a postcard to his daughter. His arthritis was hurting him terribly and the task seemed impossible. Finally, he turned to a young man standing nearby and asked, “Would you mind writing a short message and address on the card and signing my name?”
“No problem,” said the younger man. He wrote out the address and also agreed to write a short message and sign the card for the man. When he was finished, he asked, “Now, is there anything else I can do for you?”
The old fellow glanced at the card for a moment and said, “Yes, could you just add at the end, “PS: Please excuse the sloppy hand-writing’?”
Answer the Question
As a Regents Prep teacher, Ms. Adler has heard all kinds of answers to typical questions. These are some of the best.
Teacher: What did Mahatma Gandhi and Genghis Khan have in common?
Student: Unusual names.
Teacher: Name one of the early Romans’ greatest achievements.
Student: Learning to speak Latin.
Teacher: How does Romeo’s character develop over the course of the play?
Student: It doesn’t, it’s just self, self, self all the way through.
Teacher: Where was the American Declaration of Independence signed?
Student: At the bottom.
Teacher: Explain the phrase “free press.”
Student: When your mom irons your trousers for you.
Teacher: Steve is driving his car. He is travelling at 60 feet/second and the speed limit is 40 mph. Is Steve speeding?
Student: He could find out by checking his speedometer.
Did you hear about the kid whose teacher told him to write a 100-word essay about what he did during vacation? He wrote, “Not much” 50 times.
For Sale by Owner
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, $1000 or best offer.
No longer needed, got married last month.
Wife knows everything.
Why do people order double hamburgers, large French fries, and a diet coke?
Why do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters?
Why is the word “abbreviated” such a long word?
Why do doctors and attorneys call what they do “practice”?
Why is the man who invests your money called a “broker”?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called “rush hour”?
Why are they called “apartments” when they are all stuck together?
Jack V. Grazi
Two kids were playing Monopoly. Joey really wanted to win, so he bought some extra Monopoly money and by mistake bought an $8 bill. He decided he’s going to try to use it anyway. He gave it to his friend Raymond, the banker in the game, and asked for change. Raymond looked at the bill and handed the guy two $4 bills for change.
A Pre-1-a student named Judah came to his Rebbi and asked him, “Where is Hashem?”
Another boy named Ralph answered before the Rebbi had a chance to respond: “He’s in my daddy’s room!”
“What?” the Rebbe asked, puzzled. “Why would you say that?”
“Because,” Ralph explained, “every morning when I wake up my father, he screams, ‘Ribbono Shel Olam, get out of my room!’”
Isaac J Cohen
Back to School Time
Teacher: Eli, go to the map and find North America.
Eli: Here it is.
Teacher: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
Less Than 10 Years in the Making
Teacher: Jake, name one important thing we have today that we didn’t have 10 years ago.
To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
Home or Away
A famous surgeon went on a sabbatical in Africa to try to cure exotic diseases. When he came back, his colleagues asked him how it had been. “Oh, it was very disappointing,” he said. “I didn’t learn anything. I’d have been better off staying here in the hospital.”
A primary school teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing, occasionally walking around to see each child’s work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
“I’m drawing Hashem,” the girl replied.
The teacher paused and said, “But no one knows what Hashem looks like.”
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, “They will in a minute.”
Hashem is Watching
The children were lined up in the yeshiva cafeteria for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The rabbi posted on the apple tray a note that said, “Take only one. Hashem is watching.”
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table, was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. One child whispered to another, “Take all you want. Hashem is watching the apples.”
In the Library
Ruben was working in a library. He heard a chicken saying “Boooook,” and so he gave it a book. After two hours, the chicken came back and said, “Booook book,” so he gave it two books. After another two hours, the chicken returned yet again, saying “Boook boook boook.” Ruben gave the chicken three books and followed it outside the library. He saw the chicken bringing the books to a frog, which said, “Read it read it read it.”
The science teacher was lecturing on map reading.
After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked, “Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude…?”
After a moment, a student answered, “I guess you’d be eating alone.”
Daniel: What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish for breakfast?
David: I don’t know, what?
Daniel: Every morning you will rise and shine.
A man walked into the school and said to the secretary, “Excuse me, I would like to come to school. I want to learn to read and write.”
“OK,” the secretary responded in a bored voice, “just fill out this form.”
Little Rachel was a good student, but sometimes she got nervous. She went up to her teacher and asked, “Would I get in trouble for something I didn’t do?”
The teacher smiled and said, “Of course not.”
Rachel breathed a sigh of relief and said, “Good, because I didn’t do my homework.”
Steve had a bad habit of coming late to school and he always tried to come up with new excuses.
When he walked in one day, his teacher asked, “Why are you late today?”
He smiled and said, “Because of the sign.”
“The sign that says, ‘School Ahead, Go Slow.’”