JOKES

The Vitality Secret
My wife recently ran into the housekeeper who used to clean our house many years ago and was surprised to hear that she was still at it, despite her advance age. “How do you manage to do all the strenuous work housekeeping entails?” my wife asked.
“I do housework for clients who can’t see the dirt any better than I can,” she replied.
Jack V. Grazi
 
Optimists vs. Pessimists
Joey and Ikey’s parents were very worried about their very different twin boys. Joey was always hope-filled and optimistic, while Ikey was an all-time pessimist who constantly complained. The parents decided to bring the boys to a local psychologist to see if he could suggested a plan to balance their extreme personalities.
“On their next birthday,” the therapist advised, “give Ikey the pessimist the best gift you can afford, and give Joey the optimist a box of manure. But put them in separate rooms to open their gifts so that the reaction of one doesn’t affect the other.”
As instructed, the parents followed the advice and prepared to carefully observe the results. First they peeked in on Ikey the pessimist. As soon as he opened the carefully wrapped gift they heard him gruffly complaining, “I don’t like the color of this… I’ll bet it will break…They’ll probably come out with a better model in a month… It’s not what I was hoping for…”
Disappointed that the plan didn’t help to correct Ikey’s pessimism, the parents tiptoed across the hall to peek in on Joey to see if his unbridled optimism would be tempered by the horrible gift. To their amazement they saw little Joey gleefully throwing the manure up in the air giggling. Unable to make sense of his behavior the parents walked in an asked Joey what he was so happy about.
“You can’t fool me,” Joey answered. “Where there’s this much manure, there’s gotta be a pony!”
S. U.
 
Money Out the Window
Stewart, the accounts receivable clerk at the window company, was calling all the customers who still owed money from last year. When he got through to Stacy, who had replaced all the windows in her house with the company’s most expensive, double-pane, energy efficient model, he asked how she wanted to pay the balance she still owed.
“Well, helloooo,” Stacy replied. “Just because I’m blonde doesn’t mean that I am automatically stupid you know. Your fast talking sales guy told me that in one year these windows would pay for themselves! Helloooo? It’s been a year!”
There was only silence at the other end of the line, so Stacy finally just hung up. He never called back.
Samantha S.
 
Redecorating in Academia
The boys in the fraternity gathered to discuss whether to buy a new chandelier for the frat house. Some members wanted to vote on it, but one holdout suggested that they first check into the matter more carefully.
“Before we spend money on a chandelier,” he said, “shouldn’t we first find out if anyone can play the thing?”
Abhu Cohen
 
The Hearing Problem
A “holy man” was in town and people were lining up to speak with him and get his blessings. Finally, it was Roger’s turn.
“What would you like me to pray for?” the holy man asked.
Roger humbly replied, “I need you to please pray hard for my hearing.”
With an understanding nod, the holy man put one hand in Roger’s ear and the other hand on top of his head and recited some prayers for a while. When he was done, he removed his hands and asked, “How’s your hearing now?”
 “I don’t know,” Roger replied, “it’s not until next Wednesday, in the Kings County Courthouse!”
Sammy
 
Gd’s Army
Just before the end of the long Yom Kippur services, the Rabbi Cohen gave an impassioned speech to encourage the congregants to redouble their commitment to attend services all year round. As the congregants filed out of shul and shook the rabbi’s hand in parting, Rabbi Cohen came across Sam and pulled him aside.
“Sam,” the rabbi said in a soft voice, “we need you to join the army of Gd!”
“But Rabbi,” Sam replied, “I’m already in the army of Gd.”
With an eyebrow raised, the Rabbi questioned, “So how come I don’t see you in shul except on Yom Kippur and for a yahrseit?”
Sam whispered back, “Because I’m in the secret service.”
Chanch E Looloo
 
A Rabbi of Few Words
Voice on the phone: Hello. Is this Rabbi Stein?
Rabbi: It is.
Voice on the phone: This is the IRS. Can you help us?
Rabbi: I can.
Voice on the phone: Do you know a Mr. Greenfeld?
Rabbi: I do.
Voice on the phone: Is he a member of your congregation?
Rabbi: He is.
Voice on the phone: Did he donate $10,000?
Rabbi: He will.
Tutu Mulu
 
Laughing Gas
Morris was in need of much dentistry work. At his first appointment to fill one of his root canals, the dentist gave him laughing gas to ease the pain from the drilling. Upon completing the work, the dentist removed the mask, and Morris asked, “When am I going to stop laughing?”
The dentist replied, “When you see your bill.”
David Saadia
 
High Society
When Mr. and Mrs. Horowitz won the British lottery worth twenty-million pounds, they immediately set out to begin living a life of luxury. Leaving behind the traditions of their old Jewish neighborhood, they bought a magnificent mansion in Knightsbridge from the estate of an old British nobleman who had recently passed away.
In purchasing the stately residence, they were asked if they wished to retain the services of James, the head butler who had served at the mansion for 35 years. Reasoning that they needed a butler in order to blend in with high society, the couple decided to hire the very proper British male servant to run the household for them.
One morning, soon after settling into the mansion, Mrs. Horowitz instructed James to set the huge dining table for four, as they were inviting their friends Mr. and Mrs. Berkowitz to lunch. The couple then left the house to do some shopping.
When they returned, to their surprise, they found the table set for six. Perplexed, Mr. Horowitz asked James why the table was set for six when they had expressly asked him to set it for four.
“At first I set the table for four sir,” the butler began, “but then Mrs. Berkowitz telephoned and said she would be bringing along the Blintzes.”
Dalia Hen
 
Animal Rights
A new neighbor recently moved into a semi rural area in Kingman, Kansas. Six months later, she called the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on the main road for “ethical reasons”. When the clerk refused to consider her request, she decided to take the matter up with the city council. At the next city meeting, she managed to have the matter called for debate before the entire council. After stating her name and her address, she began, “I request that the Deer Crossing sign on Turner road be taken down immediately.”
“For what reason should we consider this request?” the council speaker asked.
“It’s very simple,” she explained plainly, “Ethical reasons. Too many deer are being hit by cars at that spot – I don’t think it’s a good place for deer to be crossing anymore.”
Eddie Gindi
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The Lighter Side

Alphabet

Little Eddie’s second-grade teacher was quizzing them on the alphabet.

“Eddie,” she says, “what comes after ‘O’?”

Eddie says, “Yeah!”

Shmuel Lalehfar

Handwritten

An old man was sitting in the local park trying to write a postcard to his daughter. His arthritis was hurting him terribly and the task seemed impossible. Finally, he turned to a young man standing nearby and asked, “Would you mind writing a short message and address on the card and signing my name?”

“No problem,” said the younger man. He wrote out the address and also agreed to write a short message and sign the card for the man.  When he was finished, he asked, “Now, is there anything else I can do for you?”

The old fellow glanced at the card for a moment and said, “Yes, could you just add at the end, “PS: Please excuse the sloppy hand-writing’?”

Yitzy D.

Answer the Question

As a Regents Prep teacher, Ms. Adler has heard all kinds of answers to typical questions. These are some of the best.

Teacher: What did Mahatma Gandhi and Genghis Khan have in common?

Student: Unusual names.

Teacher: Name one of the early Romans’ greatest achievements.

Student: Learning to speak Latin.

Teacher: How does Romeo’s character develop over the course of the play?

Student: It doesn’t, it’s just self, self, self all the way through.

Teacher: Where was the American Declaration of Independence signed?

Student: At the bottom.

Teacher: Explain the phrase “free press.”

Student: When your mom irons your trousers for you.

Teacher: Steve is driving his car. He is travelling at 60 feet/second and the speed limit is 40 mph. Is Steve speeding?

Student: He could find out by checking his speedometer.

Eddie Gindi

Summer Vacation

Did you hear about the kid whose teacher told him to write a 100-word essay about what he did during vacation? He wrote, “Not much” 50 times.

Abhu Cohen

For Sale by Owner

Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.

Excellent condition, $1000 or best offer.

No longer needed, got married last month.

Wife knows everything.

Heskel Shayek

Ponderables

Why do people order double hamburgers, large French fries, and a diet coke?

Why do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters?

Why is the word “abbreviated” such a long word?

Why do doctors and attorneys call what they do “practice”?

Why is the man who invests your money called a “broker”?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called “rush hour”?

Why are they called “apartments” when they are all stuck together?

Jack V. Grazi

Play Money

Two kids were playing Monopoly. Joey really wanted to win, so he bought some extra Monopoly money and by mistake bought an $8 bill. He decided he’s going to try to use it anyway. He gave it to his friend Raymond, the banker in the game, and asked for change. Raymond looked at the bill and handed the guy two $4 bills for change.

E. Salem

Location, Location

A Pre-1-a student named Judah came to his Rebbi and asked him, “Where is Hashem?”

Another boy named Ralph answered before the Rebbi had a chance to respond: “He’s in my daddy’s room!”

“What?” the Rebbe asked, puzzled. “Why would you say that?”

“Because,” Ralph explained, “every morning when I wake up my father, he screams, ‘Ribbono Shel Olam, get out of my room!’”

Isaac J Cohen

Back to School Time

Teacher: Eli, go to the map and find North America.

Eli: Here it is.

Teacher: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?

Class: Eli.

Less Than 10 Years in the Making

Teacher:  Jake, name one important thing we have today that we didn’t have 10  years ago.

Jake: Me!

Hannah A.

Writing

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

Tutu Mulu

Home or Away

A famous surgeon went on a sabbatical in Africa to try to cure exotic diseases. When he came back, his colleagues asked him how it had been. “Oh, it was very disappointing,” he said. “I didn’t learn anything. I’d have been better off staying here in the hospital.”

Rivka Betesh

Drawing

A primary school teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing, occasionally walking around to see each child’s work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

“I’m drawing Hashem,” the girl replied.

The teacher paused and said, “But no one knows what Hashem looks like.”

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, “They will in a minute.”

Yamir Safdieh

Hashem is Watching

The children were lined up in the yeshiva cafeteria for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The rabbi posted on the apple tray a note that said, “Take only one. Hashem is watching.”

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table, was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. One child whispered to another, “Take all you want. Hashem is watching the apples.”

Eddie Cohen

In the Library

Ruben was working in a library. He heard a chicken saying “Boooook,” and so he gave it a book. After two hours, the chicken came back and said, “Booook book,” so he gave it two books. After another two hours, the chicken returned yet again, saying “Boook boook boook.” Ruben gave the chicken three books and followed it outside the library. He saw the chicken bringing the books to a frog, which said, “Read it read it read it.”

David D.

Map Reading

The science teacher was lecturing on map reading.

After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked, “Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude…?”

After a moment, a student answered, “I guess you’d be eating alone.”

Michael Levy

Eating Breakfast

Daniel: What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish for breakfast?

David: I don’t know, what?

Daniel: Every morning you will rise and shine.

Yitzchak Shalam

School Daze

A man walked into the school and said to the secretary, “Excuse me, I would like to come to school. I want to learn to read and write.”

“OK,” the secretary responded in a bored voice, “just fill out this form.”

Sarah Dweck

Avoiding Trouble

Little Rachel was a good student, but sometimes she got nervous. She went up to her teacher and asked, “Would I get in trouble for something I didn’t do?”

The teacher smiled and said, “Of course not.”

Rachel breathed a sigh of relief and said, “Good, because I didn’t do my homework.”

Frieda Mizrahi

School Sign

Steve had a bad habit of coming late to school and he always tried to come up with new excuses.

When he walked in one day, his teacher asked, “Why are you late today?”

He smiled and said, “Because of the sign.”

“What sign?”

“The sign that says, ‘School Ahead, Go Slow.’”

Nathan H.

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