Jokes

Chocolate Consumed

I literally owe my life to chocolate. A good piece of chocolate has about 200 calories. As I enjoy two servings per night, and a few more on weekends, I consume about 3,500 calories of chocolate in a week, which equals one pound of weight per week.

Therefore, in the last 3½ years, I have had a chocolate calorie intake of about 180 pounds, and I only weigh 165 pounds.

So… without chocolate, I would have wasted away to nothing about 3 months ago!

Ralph Esses

Drinks on Me

A drunkard staggers into a bar and says to the bartender, “I’d like to buy everyone in the bar a drink, and one for you, too!”

The bartender makes the drinks and everyone raises their glass and yells “Cheers!” and downs their drinks.

The bartender says, “That’ll be $137.50.”

The drunkard laughs, “Ha ha, joke’s on you, ‘cuz I don’t have any money!”

This infuriates the bartender who then jumps over the bar and beats up the drunk and throws him out into the street.

The next day the same drunk walks into the same bar and says, “I’d like to buy the whole bar a drink, and one for you, too.”

The bartender figures that maybe he was a little hard on the guy the day before and decides to give the guy the benefit of the doubt. He makes the drinks and they all say, “Salute!” and down the drinks.

The bartender says, “That’ll be $142.50.”

The drunk replies by making a funny face at the bartender and laughing, “Ha ha, joke’s on you, ‘cuz I don’t have any money!”

This angers the bartender even more than the first time.

He jumps over the bar and beats the drunk, throws him out into the street onto his face, and kicks him a few times for good measure.

The next day the same drunk walks into the same bar, but before he can say anything the bartender says, “Let me guess, you want to buy the whole bar a drink and I should get one for myself, too, right?”

The drunk replies, “No way, you get too violent when you drink!”

Yamir Safdieh

Pringles Can Frustration

Martin was a real Pringles fan. He loved the taste, texture and shape of each Pringle. Martin was also heavy-set and would get annoyed that the Pringles at the bottom of the can were always so difficult to pull out and many times cracked into smaller pieces during the process. He decided to write to the Pringles company to complain.

A week later he received his response.

Dear Pringles Consumer, Our cans are designed that way for a reason. Honestly, if your hand doesn’t fit, then it’s time to stop!

Frieda Mizrahi

A Parrot’s Punishment

Lee bought a parrot as a pet. But instead of providing comfort, the parrot would insult his owner and tease him all the time. Lee threatened the parrot with a punishment if the behavior continued. But the parrot didn’t pay any attention and kept on insulting him. One day, Lee was so fed up that he threw the parrot into the freezer. A few moments later, Lee took the parrot out and asked whether it learned its lesson. “Yes,” the parrot stuttered shaking with fright and looking back at the freezer. “Just promise that you won’t do to me what you did to the chicken in there!”

Steven Sutton

Skimpy Turkeys

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the supermarket, but couldn’t find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, “Do these turkeys get any bigger?”

The stock boy replied, “No ma’am, they’re dead.”

Michael Levy

What’s for Dinner?

I have changed my system for labeling homemade freezer meals. I used to carefully note in large clear letters, “Meatloaf” or “Pot Roast” or “Steak and Vegetables” or “Chicken and Dumplings” or “Beef Pot Pie.”

However, I used to get frustrated when I asked my husband what he wanted for dinner because he never asked for any of those things. So, I decided to stock the freezer with what he really likes.

If you look in my freezer now you’ll see a whole new set of labels.

You’ll find dinners with neat little tags that say: “Whatever,” “Anything,” “I Don’t Know,” “I Don’t Care,” “Something Good,” or “Food.” My frustration is now reduced because no matter what my husband replies when I ask him what he wants for dinner, I know that it is there waiting.

Sharon Harary

Where is Tall Man?

“Did you hear that the world’s tallest man got fired from the circus?” Howie announced at the dinner table

“Yeah,” replied his twin brother Tommy. “He was concerned about his cholesterol, so he switched from butter to Crisco. Unfortunately, he didn’t realize it was shortening.”

Abhu Cohen

Rotten Tomato Recipe

Vinnie walked into the town’s grocery store and said to the produce clerk, “I want all the rotten tomatoes you have.”

“What do you want with rotten tomatoes?” asked the grocery clerk “Unless you’re going to see that new comic who’s appearing in town this week.”

Looking slyly at the grocery clerk, Vinnie replied, “I am the new comic.”

Eddie Cohen

 Suitable Sub Sandwich

My Italian American friend is very self-conscious about his height, or lack thereof. So I always steer clear of the subject. One day, he and I went to lunch at a sub shop.

“I’ll take the Italian Sub – salami, pastrami, and peppers,” my friend ordered.

“Do you want a full hero or half?” came the reply.

“Ah… gimme a half,” my friend said.

After placing our orders, we took our seats to wait. A few minutes later, my friend frowned when we heard,

“Small Italian, your order is up!”

Sarah Dweck

Chinese Wisdom

Back when I was working as a graphic designer, I often grabbed lunch at a Chinese restaurant. I’ll never forget a bit of wisdom from a fortune cookie I received one day: “In case of fire, keep calm, pay bill, then run!”

Jack V. Grazi

Keeping Company with Old Friends

Sam is sitting on a park bench and sees nearby a group of elderly men chatting and laughing. They are enjoying themselves so much that he listens in to hear what the fun is all about. After eavesdropping for a few minutes, he realizes that they aren’t having an actual conversation. Rather, one person calls out “number 9” and everyone laughs, and then as soon as they stop laughing another person calls out “number 32” and they all crack up again.

So Sam asks one of the men to explain what is going on. He says, “We’re such old friends that we already know each other’s jokes, so we just refer to them by number instead of telling the whole joke.”

Sam is fascinated and decides to join in. At the next lull in the laughter, he calls out, “number 16,” but to his disappointment, only a few people laugh. When he asks what he did wrong, one of the men explains, “You just didn’t tell it right.”

M. Esses

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Sage Advice

Patient: Doctor, I have ringing in my ears.

Doctor: Don’t Answer!

Jack V. Grazi

Lecture Lost

The rabbi of Shaarei Shalom got up to give his normal lecture on Shabbat morning. When he sat down after only 10 minutes, the congregants were surprised. To explain his short sermon, the rabbi jokingly said, “My dog ate the second half of my speech.”

A visitor to the shul, upon hearing this, jumped out of his seat and shouted, “If that dog has any pups, give them to my rabbi!”

Y.D.

Identify Yourself

During basic training, our drill sergeant asked all Jewish personnel to make themselves known. Six of us tentatively raised our hands. Much to our relief, we were given the day off for Rosh Hashanah. A few days later, in anticipation of Yom Kippur, the sergeant again asked for all Jewish personnel to identify themselves. This time, every soldier raised his hand. “Only those who were Jewish last week can be Jewish this week,” the sergeant declared.

Abe Cohen

Collecting

Money

Two people were collecting money at a shul, an Arab and a Jew. Naturally, everyone was giving to the Jew. Finally, someone asked the Arab, “Why don’t you go to a mosque?”

“Don’t you get it?” the Arab replied. “He’s showing me how to make a business.”

Shmuel Dror

If the Shoe Fits

David walked into a shoe store and asked for a pair of shoes, size 8.

The salesman said, “Are you sure, sir? You look like a size 12 to me.”

“Just bring me a size 8.”

So the salesman got a pair of size 8 shoes and David squeezed his feet into them with obvious discomfort.

He slowly started walking around the store and explained, “Listen, I can’t afford my kids’ school tuition, I don’t have enough money and I’ve gained 50 pounds. The only pleasure I have left is to come home at night and take off my shoes!”

Eddie Cohen

Exaggeration

Jack tells Joe, “I told you a million times to stop exaggerating!”

Siporah Sassoon

When It Rains

Two old men went out for a walk, when suddenly it began to rain.

“Quick,” one of them said to the other, “open your umbrella.”

“It won’t help,” said his friend. “My umbrella is full of holes.”

“Then why did you bring it?”

“I didn’t think it would rain!”

Steven Sutton

A House

on the Roof

Mike built a sukkah on the roof of his apartment building before Sukkot. After the holiday began, the landlord demanded that it be removed immediately, claiming it was dangerous. Mike refused, telling the landlord that since this was a religious observance, he had the right to build the sukkah there.

The landlord disagreed and took the case to court.

In court, the landlord argued that the sukkah was unsightly and posed a fire hazard, while Mike argued his case on the grounds of religious rights. The judge, who was Jewish, listened patiently and then offered his verdict.

“I agree with the landlord in this case, and I therefore rule that you have 10 days from today to take down your hut.”

R. Esses

Ask

Your Age

When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, “I’m not sure.”

“Look in your t-shirt, Grandpa,” he advised. “Mine says I’m 4.”

Eddie Gindi

Stop

Redundancy

The Committee for the Reduction of Redundancy and the Antiproliferation of Repetition has decided not to meet until they have their first meeting, and thus will not be meeting until the first time.

Their Pre-meeting Statement wanted to make this clear before they had their first meeting, so that it would not be confusing.

So their first meeting will actually be their first meeting and they will not have a meeting before the first meeting.

This should avoid having people show up for their first meeting before it is held, since to do so would be confusing to those who did so and this is what they want to avoid by reducing the confusion and lessening the repetition.

Yitzy D.

The Sound of Silence

Mr. and Mrs. Cohen were very concerned because their eight-year-old daughter, Sarah, was very quiet and rarely spoke.

Then one day after lunch, Sarah turned to her mother and said, “Soup’s cold.”

Mrs. Cohen hugged her and exclaimed, “Sarah, your father and I have been worried sick. Why have you never talked in all these years?”

Sarah said, “Up until now, everything’s been okay.”

Shlomo Schwekey

Good Manners

Little Jacob was walking to the bus stop with his mother, Rachel. They stopped by the ice cream store to get some ice cream, and they then continued walking until Jacob dropped his ice cream on the floor. He bent down to pick it up, but his mother said, “Never pick up something that falls on the floor.”

As they were walking on the bus, a dollar fell out of Jacob’s pocket. Jacob sat down as if nothing happened. The bus driver said, “Aren’t you going to pick that up?”

Jacob replied, “Mommy told me to never pick up something that fell on the floor.”

Alan Mograby

Team Work

There was a rowing team that kept losing race after race. They practiced for hours every day, but never managed to come in any better than dead last.

The head of the team finally decided to send someone to spy on their top competition. So the boy went off and hid in the bushes to carefully watch the other team as they practiced.

The boy later returned to his team and announced, “I figured out their secret. They have eight guys rowing and only one guy shouting.”

Yitzchak Shalam

A New Store

Two businessmen in New York were standing around and taking a break in their soon-to-be new store.

The store wasn’t ready, and didn’t even have the shelves set up.

One said to the other, “I bet any minute now some old man is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we’re selling.”

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious man walked up to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked, “What are you selling here?”

One of the men replied sarcastically, “We’re selling dummies.”

Without skipping a beat, the man said, “Must be doing well, only two left.”

A.C.

Driving

One evening I was driving my eight-year-old daughter to her grandparents’ home for an overnight stay. It was late, there was very little traffic, and we were enjoying a peaceful ride. It was a far cry from the usual chaos surrounding us when I drive her to various activities during rush hour.

My daughter seemed deep in thought when she said, “I have a question.”

“What do you want to know?” I responded.

“When you’re driving,” she asked, “are you ever the slow poke?”

Renda

Bawabeh

The Broom

One day, Rebecca asked me, “Why was the broom so late?”

So I answered, “Because he overswept.”

Dorna D

The Sound of Silence

Mr. and Mrs. Cohen were very concerned because their eight-year-old daughter, Sarah, was very quiet and rarely spoke.

Then one day after lunch, Sarah turned to her mother and said, “Soup’s cold.”

Mrs. Cohen hugged her and exclaimed, “Sarah, your father and I have been worried sick. Why have you never talked in all these years?”

Sarah said, “Up until now, everything’s been okay.”

Shlomo Schwekey

Good Manners

Little Jacob was walking to the bus stop with his mother, Rachel. They stopped by the ice cream store to get some ice cream, and they then continued walking until Jacob dropped his ice cream on the floor. He bent down to pick it up, but his mother said, “Never pick up something that falls on the floor.”

As they were walking on the bus, a dollar fell out of Jacob’s pocket. Jacob sat down as if nothing happened. The bus driver said, “Aren’t you going to pick that up?”

Jacob replied, “Mommy told me to never pick up something that fell on the floor.”

Alan Mograby

Team Work

There was a rowing team that kept losing race after race. They practiced for hours every day, but never managed to come in any better than dead last.

The head of the team finally decided to send someone to spy on their top competition. So the boy went off and hid in the bushes to carefully watch the other team as they practiced.

The boy later returned to his team and announced, “I figured out their secret. They have eight guys rowing and only one guy shouting.”

Yitzchak Shalam

A New Store

Two businessmen in New York were standing around and taking a break in their soon-to-be new store.

The store wasn’t ready, and didn’t even have the shelves set up.

One said to the other, “I bet any minute now some old man is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we’re selling.”

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious man walked up to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked, “What are you selling here?”

One of the men replied sarcastically, “We’re selling dummies.”

Without skipping a beat, the man said, “Must be doing well, only two left.”

A.C.

Driving

One evening I was driving my eight-year-old daughter to her grandparents’ home for an overnight stay. It was late, there was very little traffic, and we were enjoying a peaceful ride. It was a far cry from the usual chaos surrounding us when I drive her to various activities during rush hour.

My daughter seemed deep in thought when she said, “I have a question.”

“What do you want to know?” I responded.

“When you’re driving,” she asked, “are you ever the slow poke?”

Renda

Bawabeh

The Broom

One day, Rebecca asked me, “Why was the broom so late?”

So I answered, “Because he overswept.”

Dorna D

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