I literally owe my life to chocolate. A good piece of chocolate has about 200 calories. As I enjoy two servings per night, and a few more on weekends, I consume about 3,500 calories of chocolate in a week, which equals one pound of weight per week.
Therefore, in the last 3½ years, I have had a chocolate calorie intake of about 180 pounds, and I only weigh 165 pounds.
So… without chocolate, I would have wasted away to nothing about 3 months ago!
Drinks on Me
A drunkard staggers into a bar and says to the bartender, “I’d like to buy everyone in the bar a drink, and one for you, too!”
The bartender makes the drinks and everyone raises their glass and yells “Cheers!” and downs their drinks.
The bartender says, “That’ll be $137.50.”
The drunkard laughs, “Ha ha, joke’s on you, ‘cuz I don’t have any money!”
This infuriates the bartender who then jumps over the bar and beats up the drunk and throws him out into the street.
The next day the same drunk walks into the same bar and says, “I’d like to buy the whole bar a drink, and one for you, too.”
The bartender figures that maybe he was a little hard on the guy the day before and decides to give the guy the benefit of the doubt. He makes the drinks and they all say, “Salute!” and down the drinks.
The bartender says, “That’ll be $142.50.”
The drunk replies by making a funny face at the bartender and laughing, “Ha ha, joke’s on you, ‘cuz I don’t have any money!”
This angers the bartender even more than the first time.
He jumps over the bar and beats the drunk, throws him out into the street onto his face, and kicks him a few times for good measure.
The next day the same drunk walks into the same bar, but before he can say anything the bartender says, “Let me guess, you want to buy the whole bar a drink and I should get one for myself, too, right?”
The drunk replies, “No way, you get too violent when you drink!”
Pringles Can Frustration
Martin was a real Pringles fan. He loved the taste, texture and shape of each Pringle. Martin was also heavy-set and would get annoyed that the Pringles at the bottom of the can were always so difficult to pull out and many times cracked into smaller pieces during the process. He decided to write to the Pringles company to complain.
A week later he received his response.
Dear Pringles Consumer, Our cans are designed that way for a reason. Honestly, if your hand doesn’t fit, then it’s time to stop!
A Parrot’s Punishment
Lee bought a parrot as a pet. But instead of providing comfort, the parrot would insult his owner and tease him all the time. Lee threatened the parrot with a punishment if the behavior continued. But the parrot didn’t pay any attention and kept on insulting him. One day, Lee was so fed up that he threw the parrot into the freezer. A few moments later, Lee took the parrot out and asked whether it learned its lesson. “Yes,” the parrot stuttered shaking with fright and looking back at the freezer. “Just promise that you won’t do to me what you did to the chicken in there!”
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the supermarket, but couldn’t find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, “Do these turkeys get any bigger?”
The stock boy replied, “No ma’am, they’re dead.”
What’s for Dinner?
I have changed my system for labeling homemade freezer meals. I used to carefully note in large clear letters, “Meatloaf” or “Pot Roast” or “Steak and Vegetables” or “Chicken and Dumplings” or “Beef Pot Pie.”
However, I used to get frustrated when I asked my husband what he wanted for dinner because he never asked for any of those things. So, I decided to stock the freezer with what he really likes.
If you look in my freezer now you’ll see a whole new set of labels.
You’ll find dinners with neat little tags that say: “Whatever,” “Anything,” “I Don’t Know,” “I Don’t Care,” “Something Good,” or “Food.” My frustration is now reduced because no matter what my husband replies when I ask him what he wants for dinner, I know that it is there waiting.
Where is Tall Man?
“Did you hear that the world’s tallest man got fired from the circus?” Howie announced at the dinner table
“Yeah,” replied his twin brother Tommy. “He was concerned about his cholesterol, so he switched from butter to Crisco. Unfortunately, he didn’t realize it was shortening.”
Rotten Tomato Recipe
Vinnie walked into the town’s grocery store and said to the produce clerk, “I want all the rotten tomatoes you have.”
“What do you want with rotten tomatoes?” asked the grocery clerk “Unless you’re going to see that new comic who’s appearing in town this week.”
Looking slyly at the grocery clerk, Vinnie replied, “I am the new comic.”
Suitable Sub Sandwich
My Italian American friend is very self-conscious about his height, or lack thereof. So I always steer clear of the subject. One day, he and I went to lunch at a sub shop.
“I’ll take the Italian Sub – salami, pastrami, and peppers,” my friend ordered.
“Do you want a full hero or half?” came the reply.
“Ah… gimme a half,” my friend said.
After placing our orders, we took our seats to wait. A few minutes later, my friend frowned when we heard,
“Small Italian, your order is up!”
Back when I was working as a graphic designer, I often grabbed lunch at a Chinese restaurant. I’ll never forget a bit of wisdom from a fortune cookie I received one day: “In case of fire, keep calm, pay bill, then run!”
Jack V. Grazi
Keeping Company with Old Friends
Sam is sitting on a park bench and sees nearby a group of elderly men chatting and laughing. They are enjoying themselves so much that he listens in to hear what the fun is all about. After eavesdropping for a few minutes, he realizes that they aren’t having an actual conversation. Rather, one person calls out “number 9” and everyone laughs, and then as soon as they stop laughing another person calls out “number 32” and they all crack up again.
So Sam asks one of the men to explain what is going on. He says, “We’re such old friends that we already know each other’s jokes, so we just refer to them by number instead of telling the whole joke.”
Sam is fascinated and decides to join in. At the next lull in the laughter, he calls out, “number 16,” but to his disappointment, only a few people laugh. When he asks what he did wrong, one of the men explains, “You just didn’t tell it right.”