THE LIGHTER SIDE

Being Neighborly

Mrs. Gumbo was backing out of her driveway when she heard a thump. She stopped the car in a panic and rushed out to see what had happened. There, at the end of the driveway, was a small dog lying on its side. It was dead. Mrs. Gumbo felt awful. She knew itwas her neighbor’s dog. Looking very worried, she climbed the front stairs of her neighbor’s house and knocked on the door. Finally, a tall man answered.

“I’m so sorry,” Mrs. Gumbo said. “I was backing out of my driveway just a few minutes ago when I heard a thump. I got out of the car to see what had happened. Your dog was lying dead at the end of the driveway. I’m afraid that I ran over it and I feel terrible about it. I insist on replacing her.”

The tall man paused and then said, “Well, I guess you can bring me my slippers and newspaper tomorrow morning.”

Rachel P.

Fairy Tale Fun

Goldilocks was walking along one sunny afternoon when she found a beautiful house in the woods. The door was open, so she walked right in. There she found a table set with threebowls of steaming porridge. “Hello?” she called out, but no one was home. She tried the first bowl, but it was too hot. She tried the second bowl, but it was too cold. Then, she tried the third bowl and it was just right.

“Wow,” she said once she had finished the meal. “Now I’m feeling very sleepy.” So she wandered around looking for a bed. She couldn’t find one anywhere on the bottom floor. Finally, she found a staircase at one end of the house. She climbed up the steps and went into the first room. There was a great, big bed in the middle of the room, so Goldilocks jumped right in. “Yikes!” she exclaimed. “This one’s too hard!” She wandered into the next room. There she found another bed and hopped right in. But it was too soft. By this time, Goldilocks was very tired.   She went into the third room and yelled out in surprise. There were three pink pigs cowering in the corner of the room. “Wait a second,” she said. “You guys are in the wrong fairy tale.”

“No we’re not,” answered one of the pigs. “Don’t you know this is a two-story house?”

Sherry M.

Reckless Driver

As a senior citizen was driving down the motorway, his phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife’s voice urgently warning him: “Walter, I just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on the parkway. Please be careful!”

“Yikes,” said Walter. “I’m on that highway now and it’s not just one
car –  there’s hundreds of them!”

Jack V. Grazi

Healthy Helping

Robbie and his friends were talking after school.

“Where’s your favorite place to eat a hamburger?” asked David.

Jimmy said he liked to sit in the park.

Sam said he liked the picnic tables at the fair.

“What about you, Robbie?” David asked. “Where’s your favorite place to eat a hamburger?

“In my mouth.”

David G.

Play on Words

Q:What do you get when you cross a monkey and a ghost?

A:A baBOOn.

Pamela Meneged

The Talking Bird

A man bought his wife a talking bird for her birthday. It spoke seven languages and cost him a month’s pay.

“Well,”he asked her when he got home. “Did you get the bird I sent you?”

‘Yes,” answered his wife. “I already have it in the oven.”

“What! That bird can speak seven languages!” said the man, upset.

“Then why didn’t it
say anything?”

Francine Massry

Money Maker

Ateacher came outside and found one of her students sitting on the ground with his hands in a giant mud puddle. “What are you doing?” asked the teacher.

The little boy looked up and said, “They say it rained an inch and three quarters last night and I could sure use the seventy-five cents!”

Elliot D.

Good Eating Habits

A woman walks into a doctor’s office. She has a banana up her nose, a cucumber in her right ear, and a carrot in her left ear. “I don’t feel so good, Doc,” she says. “What’s the matter with me?”

The doctor replies, “You’re not
eating properly.”

Esther S.

Run For It!

Jimmy and Timmy were playing baseball in their backyard. Jimmy threw a pitch and Timmy connected, hitting the ball over the fence.

“After seeing this, Jimmy said,
“It’s a run home.”

“You mean a home run,”
replied Timmy.

“No, I mean a run home,” Timmy insisted. “You hit the ball through
the neighbor’s window!”

Joseph D.

Doctor’s Orders

Mike:My brother was sick and went to the doctor.

Jack: Is he feeling better now?

Mike:No. He has a broken leg.

Jack: How did he break it?

Mike: Well, the doctor gave him a prescription and told him, no matter what happened to follow that prescription. When he got home, the prescription blew out of the window.

Jack: So how did he break his leg?

Mike:He jumped out of the window trying to follow
the prescription.

Joey M.

What’s
Your Emergency?

A terrified mother called 911. “Help me!” she said. “My son just swallowed a fork!”

The 911 operator told her not to worry and that he would send an ambulance over right away.

“What should I do until it arrives?” the mother asked him.

The operator said,
“Use a spoon.”

Judy N.

Meeting the
Job Requirement

A woman is interviewing for a job. The interviewer says,
“In this job we needsomeone who is responsible.”

“That’s great! I’m definitely the one you want,” the woman replies. “At my last
job any time something
went wrong they said I
was responsible.”

 Elyse M.

Anywhere But Here

A little girl became ill and was taken to the hospital. It was her first time away from home and she began to cry. The nurse was concerned and asked the little girl if she was homesick.

“No,” said the little girl. “I’m here sick!”

Francine Massry

Patient Playmate

Little Doris went to visit the baby at the Goldman’s house. Mrs. Goldman answered the door and Doris said: “Hi, Mrs. Goldman.
Is baby Bobby there?
Can I talk to him?”

Mrs. Goldman smiled and said, “I’m sorry, but Bobby is only a little baby. He can’t talk yet.”

Doris said, “That’s okay.
I’ll wait.”

Victoria C.

Laundry Trouble

One day, a housework-challenged husband decided to wash his favorite shirt. Upon entering the laundry room, he shouted to his wife: “What setting do I use on the washing machine?”

“It depends,” she replied. “What does it say on
your shirt?”

He yelled back, “UCLA.”

Albert S.

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Computer Repair

An office technician got a call from a user, who said that her computer was not working. She described the problem and the tech concluded that the computer needed to be brought in and serviced.

“Unplug the power cord and bring it up here,” he instructed. “I will fix it.”

About 15 minutes later, she shows up at his door with the power cord in her hand.

The Shmulster

Job Interview

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human
Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of MIT,
“And what starting salary
are you looking for?”

The engineer replies,
“In the region of $125,000
a year, depending on the
benefits package.”

The interviewer inquires, “Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks’ vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50 percent of salary, and a company car
leased every two years, say,
a red Corvette?”

The engineer sits up straight and says, “Wow! Are you kidding?”

The interviewer replies, “Yeah, but you started it.”

Eddie C.

Tech Bytes

Q: What did the computer do
at lunchtime?

A: Had a byte!

Q: Why was the computer cold?

A: It left it’s Windows open!

Q: What did the spider do on
the computer?

A: Made a website!

Q: What do computers eat for
a snack?

A: Microchips!

S. D.

Judge

As a judge, I was once facing a criminal defendant whose face looked vaguely familiar.
I reviewed his record and found that the man was a career criminal, except for an eight-year period in which there were no convictions.

“Milton,” I asked, “how is it that you were able to stay out of trouble for eight years?”

“I was in prison,” he replied.
“You should know that – you put me there.”

“That’s impossible. I wasn’t even
a judge then.”

“No, you weren’t the judge then,” the defendant said,
smiling mischievously. “You were my lawyer.”

Jack V. Grazi

Letters

Q: What starts with a P, ends with an E, and has thousands of letters?

A: The post office.

Yitzchak S.

Famous Writer

A young man professed his desire to become a great writer. When asked to define “great,” he said,
“I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, and howl in pain and anger!”

He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

Ralph Esses

Internet Business

My husband and I are both in
an internet business, but he’s the one who truly lives, eats, and breathes computers.

I finally realized how bad it had gotten when one day I was trying to parallel park and there wasn’t enough room.

“No, not there,” he advised me. “Scroll down…”

Frieda M.

Computing –
A Different Language

George landed his first computer programming position and was thrilled. His father, who was a complete stranger to the field, shared George’s enthusiasm and welcomed him at the door when he arrived home after his first day, inquiring, “What did you do at work today?” He listened intently while George explained in great detail his eight hours of COBOL, binary code and JCL errors.

When George arrived home the following night, once again his father was waiting at the front door. “So, he greeted George, “what did you have for lunch today?”

R. E.

Seeds

Q: What did Baby seed say to Mommy seed?

A: Where’s Poppy seed?

David Isaac Ades

No Cutting

It was the day of the big technology sale. Rumors of the great deals along with some advertising in the local paper were the main reason for the long line that formed by 8:30am in front
of the store.

A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back amid loud and colorful expletives. On the man’s second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw and knocked around a bit, and then thrown to the end of the line again.

As he got up the second time, he said to the person at the end of the line, “That does it! If they hit me one more time, I’m not opening the store!”

Y.D.

Laptop

I told my friend that my laptop was driving me crazy. “The
A and I keys always stick,”
I explained.

She quickly diagnosed the problem: “Your computer
is suffering from irritable
vowel syndrome.”

Jack B.

Shredder

A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

“Listen,” said the CEO, “this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. “Can you make this thing work for me?”

“Certainly,” said the young executive.  He turned the machine on, inserted the paper and pressed the start button.

“Excellent, excellent!” said the CEO, as his paper disappeared inside the machine. “I just need one copy.”

A. C.

Modern
Computer Family

Mother: iPad

Son: iPhone

Daughter: iPod

Father: iPaid!

S. S.

Credit Card

I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature
I just signed on the receipt.

So I signed the credit card
in front of her.

She carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt.

As luck would have it,
they matched!

Nathan H.

Think For Yourself

The businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to his chair before he dropped, exhausted. His sympathetic wife was right there with a tall, cold drink and a comforting word.

“My, you look tired,” she said. “You must have had a hard day today. What happened to make you so exhausted?”

“It was terrible,” her husband said. “All the computers broke down, and we all had to do our own thinking.”

S. Shweky

Twenty Years Ago

Before the computer age…

An application was
for employment.

A program was a radio show.

Windowswere something you hated to clean.

Akeyboard was a piano.

Memorywas something you lost with age.

A CD was a bank account.

Compresswas something you did to garbage.

A hard drive was a long trip on the road.

Cutyou did with scissors and paste was done with glue.

A web was a spider’s home.

And a virus was a flu!

Sarah Dweck

 

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