A Sign from the Accountant

An organized crime boss found out that his bookkeeper, Yuri, has cheated him out of $10 million. He had hired Yuri as his bookkeeper because he was deaf, and he would thus hear nothing and would be unable to testify against him in court.

The boss went to confront Yuri about his missing $10 million, taking along his lawyer who knew sign language. The boss told the lawyer, “Ask him where the $10 million is that he embezzled from me.”

The lawyer, using sign language, asked Yuri where the money was.

Yuri signed back, “I don’t know what you are talking about.”

The lawyer then said to the boss, “He says he doesn’t know what you are talking about.”

The boss pulled out a pistol, put it to Yuri’s temple, and said, “Ask him again!”

The lawyer signed to Yuri, “He’ll kill you if you don’t tell him.”

Yuri signed back, “Okay. You win. The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Peter’s backyard in Woodbridge!”

The crime boss asked the lawyer, “What did he say?”

The lawyer replied, “He says you don’t have the guts to pull the trigger.”

Eddie G.

 

Pretzel Patronage

To make a meager living a poor little old lady would sit on a street corner beside a small cart with a sign that read, “Pretzels 25 Cents Each.” Every day, a young man would leave his office building at lunch time and as he passed the pretzel stand, he would generously leave her a quarter, but never take a pretzel. Though this went on for more then three years, the two of them never spoke.

One day, as the young man passed the old lady’s stand and left his quarter as usual, the pretzel lady piped up.

“Sir,” she said in a soft voice.

“Yes,” the man said as he began to sense an outpouring of gratitude.

Looking at him with a serious face, the lady slowly lifted her hand and said, “Look here,” as she pointed to a new sign that read, “Pretzels 35 Cents Each.”

Hannah H.

 

The Fastest Gift

Larry was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary and his wife was really angry.

“Tomorrow morning,” she told him, “I expect to find a something shiny in the driveway that goes from 0 to 100 in ten seconds, and it better be there!”

The next morning, Larry got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and, sure enough, there was a wrapped gift box in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway and brought the box back into the house.

She opened it and found a shiny new bathroom scale!

Solly Z.

 

Something to be Thankful For

At a social gathering at a senior home, the director was trying to involve the residents with a round table discussion about something they are thankful for. When it was Grandma Darla’s turn, she expressively shared, “I’ve sure gotten old! I’ve had two bypass surgeries and a hip replacement and fought cancer and diabetes. I’m half blind, can’t hear anything quieter than a jet engine, and take nine different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. I also have bouts with dementia, have poor circulation, hardly feel my hands and feet anymore and can’t remember if I’m 89 or 98.

“But… I sure am very thankful that I still have my driver’s license.”

Harry S.

Moving On Up

Alfred: Did you end up renting the apartment to Mr. Johnson?

Nathan: No, I was a little bit worried after I contacted his previous place of residence.

Alfred: I thought he lived in the same place for the last 10 years and was leaving on good terms?

Nathan: That’s true.

Alfred: So, what’s the problem?

Nathan: The problem is that he would still be there if the parole board hadn’t granted him an early release.

Channie L.

Heroism Makes Headlines

A young family was enjoying an outing at the local community zoo. Little four-year-old Cathy, excited over the panda bear, was leaning into the cage, pointing, and calling to the bear. Then suddenly, without warning, the hungry looking bear leaped up, grabbed the cuff of her jacket, and tried to pull her inside.

At that moment, a biker happened to ride by, and, upon seeing the situation, ran to the cage and hit the bear square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain, the bear jumped back and let go of the girl. The biker then took young Cathy to her terrified parents, who thanked him endlessly.

A reporter saw the whole scene and was extremely impressed. He went right up to the biker and said, “Sir, this was the most heroic and brave thing I ever saw a man do in my whole life.”

“Why, it was nothing,” said the biker. “The bear was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt anyone would.”

“I noticed a patch on your jacket,” said the journalist.

“Yeah, I ride with an Israeli motorcycle club,” the biker replied.

“Well, I’ll make sure this won’t go unnoticed. I’m a journalist with the Times, you know, and tomorrow’s papers will have this story on the front page.”

The next morning, the biker bought the paper to see if, indeed, he made headlines. Sure enough, the front page read: “Israeli Gang Member Assaults Chinese Immigrant and Steals His Lunch.”

N.

Masters of Mischief

Sam, 8, and Alan, 10, were terribly mischievous, always getting into trouble. If something went wrong in school, the synagogue, or even in the town… everyone knew that they were behind the trouble.

One day their mother heard of an amazing educator who was coming to town. She called the man to discuss her problem. The educator agreed to speak with each of her boys individually and try to get them to put an end to their mischief.

Sam went in to see the educator first. The educator, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, “Do you know where Gd is, son?”

Sam’s eyes widened, but he gave no response.

So, the educator repeated the question in an even sterner tone: “Where is Gd?”

Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The educator raised his voice even more, shook his finger in the boy’s face and bellowed, “Where is Gd?!”

Sam screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home, bolted into his room slamming the door behind him, and dove under his bed.

When Alan found him, he asked his brother, “What happened?”

Sam, gasping for breath, replied, “We are in big trouble this time…”

“What is it?” Alan asked impatiently.

Sam answered, “Gd is missing – and they think we did it!”

Manny D.