The Million Dollar Question

The Million Dollar Question

A poor man walking in the forest feels close enough to Gd to ask,
“Gd, what is a million years to you?”

Gd replies, “My son, a million years to you is like a second to me.”

The man asks, “Gd, what is a million dollars to you?”

Gd replies, “My son, a million dollars to you is less than a penny to me. It means almost nothing to me.”

The man asks, “So Gd, can I have a million dollars?”

And Gd replies, “In a second.”

Albert E.


Charlie was thrilled when he called his parents overseas to tell them that they were the proud grandparents to beautiful twin girls, Talia and Devorah.

“Oh, such wonderful news!” exclaimed the new Grandma. “Tell me, who do Talia and Devorah look like?”

Charlie paused, smiled, and said, “Each other!”

Marlene S.

Election Quotes

George Washington is the only president who didn’t blame
the previous administration
for his troubles.

Why pay money to have your family tree traced? Go into politics and your opponents will do it
for you.

In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem.

Julie K.

Fatherly Advice

A young boy and his dad went out fishing one fine morning. After a few quiet hours out in the boat, the boy became curious about the world around him. He looked up at his dad and asked,“How do fish breathe under water?”

His dad thought about it for a moment, then replied, “I really don’t know, son.”

The boy sat quietly from another moment, then turned back to his dad and asked, “How does our boat float on the water?”

Once again, his dadreplied, “Don’t know, son.”

Pondering his thoughts again, a short while later, the boy asks, “Why is the sky blue?”

Again, his dad replied, “Don’t know, son.”

The inquisitive boy, worried he was annoying his father, asks this time “Dad, do you mind that I’m asking you all of these questions?”

“Of course, not son.” replied his dad. “How else are you ever going to learn anything?”

                Elana M.

A Walk in the Rain

Two men of Chelm went out for a walk, when suddenly it began to rain.

“Quick,” said one. “Open your umbrella.”

“It won’t help,” said his friend. “My umbrella is full of holes.”

“Then why did you bring it?”

“I didn’t think it would rain!”

Harry G.

Fairy Tales

“Daddy,” a little girl asked her father, “do all fairy tales begin with, ʻOnce upon a timeʼ? ”

“No, sweetheart,” he answered. “Some begin with, ʻIf I am elected…ʼ”

Lisa C.

Choking Hazard

Chaim was a good man, but boy was he stingy. He would bargain and haggle on a price, never paying the price asked. He especially hated paying his medical bills.

One day, while eating fish, a bone became lodged in his throat and within minutes he could scarcely breathe. His wife frantically called Dr. Goldman, who arrived just as Chaim’s face was turning blue. Dr. Goldman quickly removed the bone with a pair of forceps.

After Chaim was breathing normally again, although overwhelmed with gratitude to the doctor for saving his life, he began to worry about the medical bill.

Trying his best to keep his costs down, Chaim turned to Dr. Goldman and asked, “How much do I owe you for this small two-minute job?”

Dr. Goldman, who knew his patient’s miserly
habits all too well, replied, “Just pay me half of what you would have when the bone was still
stuck in your throat!”

David N.

Gone Golfing

Moishe was invited by some colleagues at his accounting firm to go golfing. The four men approached the first tee which had a straight fairway which ran along a road with a bike path fenced off on the left.

“Why don’t you go first, Moishe,” said John Callahan. Moishe was nervous – he wasn’t much of a golfer. He took a deep breath, teed off and hooked the ball in the direction of the road. The ball went over the fence and bounced off the bike path onto the road, where it hit the tire of a moving bus and was knocked back right onto the green.

As they all stood in silent amazement, John finally asked Moishe, “How on earth did you do that?”

Moishe shrugged his shoulders and said, “You have to know the bus schedule.”

Marc S.

Holy Cow!

Avi, a devout Israeli farmer, lost his favorite Chumashthat
his grandfather passed down to him; Avi was distraught at
this carelessness.

Three weeks later a cow walked up carrying the Chumashin
its mouth.

Avi the farmer couldn’t believe his eyes.

He took the book out of the cow’s mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, “It’s a miracle from Hashem!”

“Not really,” said the cow.

“Your grandfather’s name was written inside the cover.”

Alex D.

Three Wishes

Three members of an Israeli high-tech company were walking outdoors during their lunch break – a lead hardware engineer, a lead software engineer, and their project manager. Suddenly, they come upon an old brass lamp. They pick it up and dust it off.

Poof – out pops a genie.

“Thank you for releasing me from my lamp-prison,” says the genie. “I can grant you three wishes. Since there are three of you I will grant one wish to each of you.”

The hardware engineer, Dudu, thinks a moment and says, “I’d like to be sailing a yacht across the Pacific Ocean.”

“It is done,” said the genie, and poof, Dudu the hardware
engineer disappears.

Itzik the software engineer thinks a moment and says,
“I’d like to be riding a Harley Davidson motorcycle through the American Southwest.”

“It is done,” said the genie, and poof, Itzik the software
engineer disappears.

Shimon the project manager looks at where the other two had been standing and rubs his chin in thought. Then he tells the genie, “I’d like those two back in the office after lunch.”

Carl A.

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Just Wondering….

Why is Lemon Juice made with artificial flavoring and dish washing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called “Rush Hour?”

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

Why don’t they make entire airplanes out of those indestructible black boxes?

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all
stuck together?

If flying is so safe, why is an airport called “the terminal?”

Maureen G.

Standard Fee

A man once asked a lawyer: “How much do you charge?”

“$1,000 for three questions.”

“Really?” the man asked.

“Yes, and what’s your third question?”

F.G. and M.E.

A Play on Words

Marcia was a poor woman who needed a job. She decided to work for Mr.Kepple, the wealthy man down the block. Marcia knocked on Mr. Kepple’s door, asking what sort of job she could do in exchange for $12 an hour.

“You could start with painting my porch,” responded Mr. Kepple.

Later, Mrs. Kepple came home and wondered what Marcia was doing. “It will take her at least a day to paint a porch the size of this house,” said Mrs. Kepple.

“So what? She needs the money anyway,” answered Mr. Kepple.

15 minutes later, Marcia rushed in. “I’m finished! And by the way, it’s not a Porsche – it’s a Lexus.”

Chaya Benabu

Jumping for Joy

The Rosenberg family was on their first trip to Israel and they wanted to do something adventurous so they decided to go skydiving. During the class, David the skydiving instructor was taking questions.

HowieRosenberg asked, “If our chute doesn’t open, and
the reserve doesn’t open, how long do we have until we hit the ground?”

David looked at Howie and responded straight faced,
“The rest of your life.”

Sherry P.

A Mother’s Prayer

Rabbi Cohen is talking to Esther’s young son.

“So David,” he says, “you tell me that your mother always says prayers for you every night. That is really nice of her. It’s a mitzvah, you know.
So tell me, what does she say during her prayers, David?”

“She says, ‘Thank Gd my son’s in bed.’”

Raymond Z.

A Real Jewel

Rena decides to do some shopping at
a local mall and manages to persuade her husband, Morris, to join her. After
2 hours of looking around one women’s clothes store after another, Rena suddenly realizes that Morris is no longer with her. So she calls him on his cell phone to see ‘what’s what.’

“So where are you?” she angrily
asks Morris. “I thought we were shopping together.”

“Don’t get angry, Darling,” replies Morris. “Do you remember the jewelry shop by the escalator in the middle of the mall? The one we spent time in last year? Remember we saw a lovely gold necklace for you there but it was just a little bit too expensive for us to buy at the time and I said I would get it for you one day?”

“Yes, of course I do, darling,” replies Rena excitedly. “Why do you ask?”

“Well I’m in the Cafe next door to that jewelry store eating ice cream.”

David M.

Car Trouble

Max was a go-getter. He wanted to be the first of his friends to have a car and he wanted to buy it with his own money. Sure enough, just after he turned 16 he had saved up enough money to buy a car. But unfortunately, he hadn’t been able to put away a lot of money so the car was, well, not in the best
of health.

One morning, Max’s mother was surprised to see his car parked in front of the house even though he was at school. When Max returned home she asked him about it.

“I had to get to school early,” Max said, “so I
just ran.”

Abraham C.

Vegetable Repair

What do you use to fix
a broken tomato?

Tomato paste.

Bertha Diamond

A Logical Misunderstanding

Rachel asks Sollie, “I’m short of some ingredients for the cake I’m baking, so could you please get some things for me from the supermarket?”

“Of course I can, darling,” replies Sollie. “What do you need?”

“Please get one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get six.” replies Rachel.

Fifteen minutes later, Sollie returns with six cartons of milk. Rachel is furious with him. “Sollie! Why on earth did you buy six cartons of milk?”

“Becausethey had eggs,” he replied.

Jack L.

Don’t Leave Home Without It

A husband and wife were once in an airport waiting on line, when the husband turned to hiswife and said,
“I wish we brought along our piano.”

“Why?” the wife asked.

“Because I left our passports on it!”

Ron  T.

Dressing Up

Miriam said to Harold, “Honey,
I need a new dress.”

“Miriam, you can’t just go shopping all of the time,” said Harold.

“But I need a new dress,”
said Miriam.

“What’s wrong with the one you’ve got?” asked Harold.

“It’s a little long and…well… the veil keeps getting in my eyes.”

Linda S.

Quiet Time

Lorie was the mother of five kids under the age of 8. Her Aunt Sarah called her one morning, and their conversation was constantly being interrupted by the din of kids screaming and chasing each other. “Could you hold on for a moment?” Lorie finally asked, putting down the phone.

Within ten seconds there was absolute silence on the line. Then, “Okay, I’m back.”

“But it’s so quiet!” Aunt Sarah exclaimed. “You must have amazing discipline over your children.”

“Not really,” Lorie confessed wearily. “I’m in the closet.”

Karen S.

The Marriage Proposals

Sophia is talking to her friend Estelle. “I just don’t know what’s the matter with you, Estelle. You’re nearly 30 years old and you’re still not married. Don’t you want a husband?”

“Of course I do,” replies Estelle.

“Then I don’t understand. Why haven’t you had any proposals?”

“But you’re wrong there,” replies Estelle, “I’ve been asked to get married dozens of times.”

“Really?” says Sophia. “By whom?”

“By my parents!” replies Estelle.

Frieda B.

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