JOKES

The Most Important Job
An architect, a surgeon and an economist were arguing over which of them holds the most prominent position.
The surgeon said, “The very first thing Gd did after creating man was surgery, to extract Eve from Adam’s rib. This shows that surgeons are the most important.”
The architect then retorted, “No, wait a minute, before Gd even created man, He was first and foremost, an architect. He made conceived a perfectly balanced world in six days out of total chaos.”
The architect and the surgeon then turned their attention to the economist who smiled as he asked, “And who made the chaos?”
Bracha Elyas
Japanese Recession
Japanese banks have been hit almost as hard as American banks. The Origami Bank has folded, and we hear the Sumo Bank has gone belly-up, too. Bonsai Bank plans to cut some of its branches. Karaoke Bank is for sale and is going for a song. Meanwhile, staff at Karate Bank got the chop, and analysts report there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank, where workers fear they may get a raw deal.
Jack V. Grazi
Ride of a Lifetime
Stumpy went to the State Fair each year with the company field trip. Every year, Stumpy would say, “I’d sure like to ride in that airplane.” And his boss would always reply, “I know Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars.”
Finally, one year, Stumpy insisted.
“Look boss, I’m 64 years old. If I don’t ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance.” His boss replied, “Stumpy, that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars.”
The pilot overheard the two men arguing and said, “Folks, I know this ride is worth the money. I’ll make you a deal. I’ll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet the entire time and not say one word, I won’t charge you a cent, but if you say one word, it’s ten dollars.”
Stumpy and his boss agreed, and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of dazzling twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard. He repeated all his tricks, but still not a word.
Finally, the plane landed and the pilot turned around to Stumpy. “By golly,” he blurted, “I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn’t.”
Stumpy replied, “Well, I was gonna say something when the boss fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars.”
M.Gindi

 

A Private’s Pitch
Impressed by how well Private Jones was getting recruits to sign up for GI Insurance, the captain listened in on his sales pitch.
“If you have insurance and are killed in battle, the government pays $50,000 to your beneficiaries,” Jones explained. “If you don’t have insurance and get killed, the government pays nothing. Now,” he concluded, “who do you think gets sent into battle first?”
Abhu Cohen
Physics Lesson
We had to have our garage door repaired. The repairman came and told us that one of our problems was that we did not have the correct size motor on the opener. I thought for a minute and said that we had the largest motor that Sears made at that time, a half horsepower. He shook his head and said, “No, you need a quarter horsepower.”
Confused, I pointed out that a half horsepower motor should be able to lift anything that quarter horsepower motor could.
The repair man chuckled a bit and knowingly began writing numbers on a piece of paper that looked like the beginnings of a calculation. “Let me show something,” he said.
Nervous that I wouldn’t understand a complicated physics equation, I tried hard to concentrate.
“You see,” he explained as he pointed to the ¼ and ½ he just wrote, “four is larger than two…”
Ed Gindi
The Lost Balloonist
A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces his altitude and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts, “Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?”
The man below says, “Yes, you’re in a hot air balloon, hovering 50 feet above this field.”
“You must be an engineer,” says the balloonist.
“I am,” the man replies. “How did you know?”
“Well,” says the balloonist, “everything you have told me is technically correct, but it’s of no use to me.”
The man below says, “You must be in management.”
“I am,” replies the balloonist, “but how did you know?”
“Well,” says the man, “you don’t know where you are, or where you’re going, but you expect me to be able to help. You’re in the same position you were before we met, but somehow now it’s my fault.”
Tutu Mulu
Object of the Game
A guy took his girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind the home team’s bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.
“Oh, I really liked it,” she replied, “but I just couldn’t understand why they were killing each other for such a small amount of money.”
Dumbfounded, her date asked, “What do you mean?”
“Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: ‘Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!’ and I’m like Helloooooo? It’s only 25 cents!”
Soly Z Bawabeh
Top 10 Signs The Economy Is Bad
10. CEO’s are now playing miniature golf.
9.      Jewish women are marrying for love.
8.      Even people who have nothing to do with the Obama administration aren’t paying their taxes.
7.      Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM and Chrysler.
6.      Obama plans to discuss the Stimulus Package with small businesses like GE, Pfizer and Citigroup.
5.      A truckload of Americans got caught sneaking into Mexico.
4.      The most highly-paid job is now jury duty.
3.      People in Africa are donating money to Americans.
2.      Motel Six won’t leave the light on.
1.      Congress says they are looking into the Bernard Madoff scandal. Great idea… the guy who made $50 billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $3 trillion disappear.
Elliot Sutton

 

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Spoiled Sauce

Becky prepared a pasta dish for a dinner party she was giving. In her haste, however, she forgot to refrigerate the spaghetti sauce, and it sat on the counter all day. She was worried about spoilage, but it was too late to cook up another batch.

She called the local Poison Control Center and voiced her concern. They advised Becky to boil the sauce again.

That night, the phone rang during dinner, and one of the guests volunteered to answer it. Becky’s face dropped as the guest called out, “It’s the Poison Control Center. They want to know how the spaghetti sauce turned out.”

Yitzy D.

Teen Fashion

A teenager spent a full hour in a boutique choosing the perfect dress for a party. Finally, she made her purchase.

The next day, however she was back with the outfit. “Can I exchange this for something else?” she asked.

The shopkeeper was surprised, but couldn’t argue with her explanation. “My parents like it.”

Abhu Cohen

Call Center

A customer called the round-the-clock tech support hotline to ask what hours the call center is open.

“The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, seven days a week,” said the technician who answered the call.

The customer asked, “Is that Eastern or Pacific time?”

Dorna Delrahim nia

Through Stormy Conditions

A pilot, an Olympic gold medalist, a brain surgeon, an old man, and a pizza delivery man were all in a plane together traveling. Suddenly, the pilot came running back to the passengers and announced that lightning had hit the plane, and they were going to crash in a matter of minutes. “There are only enough parachutes for four of the five of us,” he announced. “Since I’m the pilot, I get one!” He grabbed a parachute and jumped out of the plane.

“I’m the world’s greatest athlete,” proclaimed the gold medalist. “This world needs great athletes, so I must live.” He grabbed a parachute and leaped out of the plane.

“I’m the smartest man in the world,” bragged the brain surgeon. “The world needs smart men, so I must also live!” He grabbed a parachute and jumped out of the plane.

The old man and the pizza delivery boy were now the only two left. “I have lived a long life compared to you,” the old man said to the boy. “Go ahead and take the last parachute. I will go down with the plane.”

“Not to worry!” the boy exclaimed. “The world’s smartest man jumped out of the plane with my backpack.”

Eddie Cohen

Candy Talk

A sour chew and a tingler were walking on the street when suddenly the sour chew fell on the floor. “Are you okay?” the tingle asked.

“No,” the sour chew said. “I’m chaf kay.”

Morris Guindi

High Fashion

Rachel took her five-year-old daughter with her shopping. The little girl watched her mother try on outfit after outfit, exclaiming each time, “Mommy, you look beautiful!”

A woman in the next dressing room called out. “When you are through, can I borrow your daughter for a while?”

Jack V Grazi

In Pieces

Abe was well-known for his stinginess and for his “eye for a bargain.” One day he was looking for a cheap wedding present for his niece, so he went into a gift shop on 5th Ave. As he was walking around, he noticed what had been an expensive Waterford crystal vase lying in the corner. It was in three pieces.

After some haggling with the owner, Abe bought the broken vase for $10. He then filled in the congratulations card, wrote out his niece’s name and address, and gave the owner another $15 so that the broken vase could be gift wrapped and mailed. Abe then left the shop feeling quite pleased with his idea. He expected his niece to think the vase had been broken in the mail.

A few days later, he called his niece to see if the present had arrived.

“Yes, Uncle Abe, but unfortunately, it was in three pieces when it was delivered.”

“What terrible luck,” Abe said. “The Postal Service is getting worse all the time.”

“It’s a shame,” she replied. “It was so beautifully wrapped. Each piece separately.”

A. C.

Finding Her Place

On her way back from the restroom, Julie asked a woman near her seat, “Pardon me, but did I step on your foot a few minutes ago?”

Expecting an apology, the woman said, “Indeed you did.”

Julie nodded, and noted, “Oh, good, then this is my seat.”

Y.D.

Unexpected Gift

My wife was hinting to me about what she wanted for her birthday. She said, “I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 60 in about two seconds.”

When my wife came home from work today, she was very surprised to see that inside the wrapping was a diamond heart monitor.

Morris Guindi

Birthday Surprise

A woman went to a caterer to plan her husband’s 72nd birthday party.

“Is it a surprise?” the caterer asked.

“No,” the woman answered. “My husband knows he’s turning 72.”

Sarah Dweck

Being 10 Again

A man asked his wife what she wanted most for her birthday.

She said, “I’d love to be 10 again.”

On the morning of her birthday, they got up bright and early and went to a theme park. They went on every ride in the park, and by the time they left, they were both feeling a little queasy.

They celebrated with a dinner of burgers, popcorn, soda and sweets.

When they finally got home, her husband looked at her and asked, “Well, what was it like being 10 again?”

She groaned. “Actually, I meant dress size.”

Frieda Mizrahi

Fatherly Knowledge

A father and son went fishing one day. At first the boy was happy just to spend time with his father, but after a while, he started getting curious. He asked his father, “How does this boat float?”

The father thought for a moment and said, “I don’t really know, son.”

The boy thought some more and asked, “How do fish breathe underwater?”

The father just replied, “Don’t really know, son.”

A while later the boy asked, “Why is the sky blue?”

Again, the father replied, “Don’t really know, son.”

“Dad, I hope I’m not bothering you by asking all these questions.”

“Of course not,” the father said reassuringly. “How else are you going to learn anything?”

Nathan Harary

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