Mrs. Gumbo was backing out of her driveway when she heard a thump. She stopped the car in a panic and rushed out to see what had happened. There, at the end of the driveway, was a small dog lying on its side. It was dead. Mrs. Gumbo felt awful. She knew itwas her neighbor’s dog. Looking very worried, she climbed the front stairs of her neighbor’s house and knocked on the door. Finally, a tall man answered.
“I’m so sorry,” Mrs. Gumbo said. “I was backing out of my driveway just a few minutes ago when I heard a thump. I got out of the car to see what had happened. Your dog was lying dead at the end of the driveway. I’m afraid that I ran over it and I feel terrible about it. I insist on replacing her.”
The tall man paused and then said, “Well, I guess you can bring me my slippers and newspaper tomorrow morning.”
Fairy Tale Fun
Goldilocks was walking along one sunny afternoon when she found a beautiful house in the woods. The door was open, so she walked right in. There she found a table set with threebowls of steaming porridge. “Hello?” she called out, but no one was home. She tried the first bowl, but it was too hot. She tried the second bowl, but it was too cold. Then, she tried the third bowl and it was just right.
“Wow,” she said once she had finished the meal. “Now I’m feeling very sleepy.” So she wandered around looking for a bed. She couldn’t find one anywhere on the bottom floor. Finally, she found a staircase at one end of the house. She climbed up the steps and went into the first room. There was a great, big bed in the middle of the room, so Goldilocks jumped right in. “Yikes!” she exclaimed. “This one’s too hard!” She wandered into the next room. There she found another bed and hopped right in. But it was too soft. By this time, Goldilocks was very tired. She went into the third room and yelled out in surprise. There were three pink pigs cowering in the corner of the room. “Wait a second,” she said. “You guys are in the wrong fairy tale.”
“No we’re not,” answered one of the pigs. “Don’t you know this is a two-story house?”
As a senior citizen was driving down the motorway, his phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife’s voice urgently warning him: “Walter, I just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on the parkway. Please be careful!”
“Yikes,” said Walter. “I’m on that highway now and it’s not just one
car – there’s hundreds of them!”
Jack V. Grazi
Robbie and his friends were talking after school.
“Where’s your favorite place to eat a hamburger?” asked David.
Jimmy said he liked to sit in the park.
Sam said he liked the picnic tables at the fair.
“What about you, Robbie?” David asked. “Where’s your favorite place to eat a hamburger?
“In my mouth.”
Play on Words
Q:What do you get when you cross a monkey and a ghost?
The Talking Bird
A man bought his wife a talking bird for her birthday. It spoke seven languages and cost him a month’s pay.
“Well,”he asked her when he got home. “Did you get the bird I sent you?”
‘Yes,” answered his wife. “I already have it in the oven.”
“What! That bird can speak seven languages!” said the man, upset.
“Then why didn’t it
Ateacher came outside and found one of her students sitting on the ground with his hands in a giant mud puddle. “What are you doing?” asked the teacher.
The little boy looked up and said, “They say it rained an inch and three quarters last night and I could sure use the seventy-five cents!”
Good Eating Habits
A woman walks into a doctor’s office. She has a banana up her nose, a cucumber in her right ear, and a carrot in her left ear. “I don’t feel so good, Doc,” she says. “What’s the matter with me?”
The doctor replies, “You’re not
Run For It!
Jimmy and Timmy were playing baseball in their backyard. Jimmy threw a pitch and Timmy connected, hitting the ball over the fence.
“After seeing this, Jimmy said,
“It’s a run home.”
“You mean a home run,”
“No, I mean a run home,” Timmy insisted. “You hit the ball through
the neighbor’s window!”
Mike:My brother was sick and went to the doctor.
Jack: Is he feeling better now?
Mike:No. He has a broken leg.
Jack: How did he break it?
Mike: Well, the doctor gave him a prescription and told him, no matter what happened to follow that prescription. When he got home, the prescription blew out of the window.
Jack: So how did he break his leg?
Mike:He jumped out of the window trying to follow
A terrified mother called 911. “Help me!” she said. “My son just swallowed a fork!”
The 911 operator told her not to worry and that he would send an ambulance over right away.
“What should I do until it arrives?” the mother asked him.
The operator said,
“Use a spoon.”
A woman is interviewing for a job. The interviewer says,
“In this job we needsomeone who is responsible.”
“That’s great! I’m definitely the one you want,” the woman replies. “At my last
job any time something
went wrong they said I
Anywhere But Here
A little girl became ill and was taken to the hospital. It was her first time away from home and she began to cry. The nurse was concerned and asked the little girl if she was homesick.
“No,” said the little girl. “I’m here sick!”
Little Doris went to visit the baby at the Goldman’s house. Mrs. Goldman answered the door and Doris said: “Hi, Mrs. Goldman.
Is baby Bobby there?
Can I talk to him?”
Mrs. Goldman smiled and said, “I’m sorry, but Bobby is only a little baby. He can’t talk yet.”
Doris said, “That’s okay.
One day, a housework-challenged husband decided to wash his favorite shirt. Upon entering the laundry room, he shouted to his wife: “What setting do I use on the washing machine?”
“It depends,” she replied. “What does it say on
He yelled back, “UCLA.”