THE LIGHTER SIDE

Baseball 101

At one point during a little league baseball game, the coach said to one of his young players, “Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?” The little boy nodded with affirmation. “Do you understand that what matters most is whether we play together as a team and put forth our best effort?” The little boy nodded yes. “So,” the coach continued, “When a strike is called, or you’re out at first, you don’t argue or attack the umpire. Do you understand all of that?” Again, the little boy nodded. “Good,” said the coach. “Now go over there and explain it to your father.”

Marvin H.

Doctor’s Orders

A middle management executive has to take on some sport, by his doctor’s orders, so he decides to play tennis. After a couple of weeks his secretary asks him how he’s doing. “It’s going fine,” the manager says. “When I’m on the court and I see the ball speeding towards me, my brain immediately says, ‘To the corner! Back hand! To the net! Smash! Go back!’”“Really? What happens then?”the secretary asks. “Then my body says, ‘Who? Me? You must be kidding!’”

Hal E.

Visit to Grandma

Rachel went to spend a few weeks with her Grandma Miriam. They had a lot of time together so Grandma Miriam decided to teach Rachel how to sew. After the first day, having gone through a lengthy explanation of how to thread the machine, Rachel stepped back, put her hands on her hips, and said in disbelief, “Grandma, you mean you can do all that, but you can’t figure out how touse an iPhone?”

Marilyn B.

Teacher’s Birthday

It was the kindergarten teacher’s birthday and the students decided that they would each buy their teacher a gift.

The first student, whose parents own a florist shop, gave her a present. She held it and said “I guess that it is flowers.” “How did you guess?” asked the little boy. She laughed and thanked him.

The second student, whose parents own a candy store, gave her a present. She held it and said, “I guess that is some candy.”

“How did you guess?”asked the little boy. She again laughed and thanked him also.

The third student, whose parents own a liquor store, gave her a box which was leaking. The teacher touched the liquid with her finger and tasted it. “Mmmmm is it wine?”she asked.

“No,”said the little girl.

So, she tasted it again. “Is it champagne?”she asked.

“Noooo,”replied the little girl. “It’s a puppy.”

Charlie D.

Job Acceptance Letter

Thank you for your letter of May 17th. After careful consideration I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me employment with your bank.

This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number ofrejection letters. With such a varied and promising field
of candidates it is impossible for me to accept
all refusals.

Despite Company 203’s outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants,
I find that your rejection does not meet my needs at this time. Therefore, I will initiate employment with your firm immediately following graduation. I look forward to seeing you then.

Sincerely, XXXXXXXX

Danny G.

Graduation Photo

It was graduation day and Mom was trying to take a picture of their son in a cap and gown, posed with his father.

“Let’s try to make this look natural”she said. “Morris, put your arm around your dad’s shoulder.”

The father answered, “If you want it to look natural, why not have him put his hand in my pocket?”

Rena S.

Painless Dentistry

A small boy ridiculed the talk about a painless dentist in his neighborhood. “He is not painless at all,” said the boy. “He put his finger in my mouth and when I bit it – he yelled just as loud as anybody else.”

Elana K.

Report Card

Little Sarah took her report card home and showed it to her mom.

Her mother was very disappointed by all the very low grades.

 “Well look on the bright side,”
said Sarah. “You know for sure
I don’t cheat.”

Margo B.

Hole In One

Little Moishie knocked on Mr. Sugarman’s door.

“I think you have something of mine in your garage,” Moishie said.

Mr. Sugarman opened the garage door and noticed two additions: a baseball and a broken window sporting a
baseball-sized hole. “How do you suppose this ball got in here?”
Mr. Sugarman asked Moishie.

Taking one look at the ball, one look at the window, and one look at Mr. Sugarman, Moishie exclaimed, “Wow! I must have thrown it right through that hole!”

Joey C.

Business Proposal

A businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law.
“I love my daughter very much, and now I welcome you into the family,”said the businessman. “To show you how much
we care for you, I am making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations.”

The son-in-law interrupted, “I hate factories. I can’t stand
the noise.”

“I see,”replied the father-in-law. “Well, then you’ll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations.”

“I hate office work,”said the son-in-law. “I can’t stand being stuck behind a desk all day.”

“Wait a minute,” said the father-in-law. “I just made you a half-owner of a moneymaking organization, but you don’t like factories and you won’t work in an office. What am Igoing to do with you?”

“Easy,”said the young man. “Buy me out.”

Marc S.

Cops and Robbers

Mrs. Sapirman had six boys under the age of 8. One Sunday afternoon, she was playing cops and robbers with them in the back yard. One of the boys “shot”her and yelled, “Bang! You’re dead.”She slumped to the ground, and when she didn’t get up right away, a neighbor ran over to see if she had been hurt in the fall.

When the neighbor bent over, Mrs. Sapirman opened one eye and said, “Shhh. Don’t give me away. It’s the only chance I’ve had to rest all day.”

Jamie L.

School Play

Little Saul was telling his mother about how he had won a part in a play that was being done at school.

His mother asked, “What is the part you will play, Saul?”Saul responded, “I shall play the Jewish husband,”to which the mother replied, “Well, you go right back to that teacher and tell her that you want a SPEAKING part!”

Sally A.

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Job Reference

Henry was sick of his job and was determined to find work elsewhere. But no matter how hard he tried, his reputation as someone who was not dedicated to the job, seemed to follow him around.

One day the phone rang at his office. Although Henry did not usually pick up the phone, he picked it up and said hello.

“Hi” said the man on the line, “I have an unusual question to ask you, I’m looking into a fellow named Henry for a position in my company. Do you know this fellow?”

“Sure I know him”, responded Henry with a smile.

“Tell me,” asked the man. “Is he consistent with his work? Does he always show up on time?”

“Well I’ll be honest with you” Henry truthfully replied, “I’m not so consistent myself, but whenever I’m here he’s here!”

Leon T.

Clean Bed

The Dwecks were selling their house and Mrs. Dweck made it crystal clear to all of her kids that the house had to be spic and span on days when real estate agents would be showing the house to prospective buyers.

Mrs. Dweck’s 15-year-old son Morris was of particular concern to her. “Morris, if your room isn’t clean and your bed isn’t made on showing days, so help me, I promise you I will never cook you another dinner for the rest of your life!”

Sure enough, on showing days, Morris’s bed was made perfectly. Somewhat surprised, Mrs. Dweck went into his room one night and discovered his secret.

Morris was fast asleep on the floor in his sleeping bag.

Julie K.

No Parking

David went on a trip to Israel and decided to rent a car so that he could drive around and see the sites. As David pulled into a crowded Tel Aviv parking lot, he asked a police officer standing there, “Excuse me officer, is it all right to park here?”

“No,” said the cop. “Can’t you see that No Parking sign?”

“What about all those other cars in there?” David asked.

The cop shrugged. “They didn’t ask.”

Alex G.

Animal Crackers

Little Suzie asks her mom if she can have some animal crackers. Her mom gives her a box of crackers and tells her she can have a few. Her mom leaves and comes back in a few minutes finding all of the crackers on the floor with little Suzie looking through them. Her mother asks “What are you doing Suzie?”

Little Suzie replies “It said don’t eat if the seal was already broken. But I can’t find a seal!”

Jennifer A.

Letter From Mom

Albert came home from work to find his wife Cindy crying. “Your mother insulted me,” she sobbed.

“My mother? How could she do that when she is on vacation on the other side of the world?” Albert asked.

“I know. But this morning a letter addressed to you arrived. I opened it because I was curious.”

“What?!”

“At the end of the letter your mother wrote: P.S. Dear Cindy, when you have finished reading this letter, don’t forget to give it to my son.”

Sarah M.

Sucking It In

Maureen almost forgot her purse so she went back up to her bedroom to get it when she noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach.

“I don’t think that’s going to help,” said Maureen.

“Sure it does,” her husband replied. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”

Teddy K.

Smart Reply

A Nobel Prize winning mathematician is traveling from university to university on a speaking tour by limousine. After several engagements the mathematician and his driver are having dinner and the driver says “I’ve heard your speech so many times I think I could give it word-for-word.” The mathematician accepts the challenge and they switch places for the next speech; the driver dresses like the professor and the professor dresses as the driver and sits in the back of the auditorium.

The driver gives the speech flawlessly and opens up the floor for question, usually there are none. But one of the students at the university has a very large ego and decides to attempt to stump the Nobel Prize winner. After the student asks his question for ten straight minutes the driver laughs and says “That question is so simple I’ll let my driver in the back answer it.”

Martin G.

Everything is Big in Texas

There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, “Wow, these seats are big!” The person next to him answered, “Everything is big in Texas.”

When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit the hotel bar. Upon arriving to the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed “Wow these mugs are big!” The bartender replied “Everything is big in Texas.”

A little later the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was. The bartender replied, “Second door to the right.” The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped and entered the third door. This door lead to the swimming pool and he fell in by accident.

Scared to death, he started shouting “Don’t flush, don’t flush!”

The Shmulster

First Words

Meryl and Steven were in despair. Their 3 year old son Richie still had not learned how to talk. Not a word had escaped through those now 3 year old lips. One night at dinner, Richie took a taste of his pie, and to their utter surprise and amazement, said: “You call this pie? It tastes horrible!” Meryl and Steven sat there in shock, for this was not just their son’s first sentence, but the first words he ever uttered! Once the initial shock had subsided, Steven asked “tell me son, how come you never spoke until now?” “I never had any reason to” explained Richie. “Everything was fine until now.”

Morris L.

Doctor’s Visit

My four year old daughter had a terrible case of the flu, she was achy, had a high fever, and was terribly hoarse. After waiting in the waiting room at the doctor’s office for over an hour we were finally admitted to see the Doctor. After the usual routine of listening to her breathing and checking her ears, the Doctor looked my daughter in the eye and said, “So what would you say is bothering you the most?” Without skipping a beat my daughter promptly answered, “Isaac, he always breaks my toys!”

Joey S.

Loss of Hearing

Brian, one of the world’s greatest hypochondriacs, bumped into his Dr. one day at the supermarket. “Doc!” Brian exclaimed, “I’ve been meaning to tell you, remember those voices I kept on hearing in my head? I haven’t heard them in over a week!” “Wow! What wonderful news Brian! I’m so happy for you!” his Dr. exclaimed. “Wonderful?” asked a dismal looking Brian. “There’s nothing wonderful about it. I’m afraid my hearing is starting to go now!

Barbra M.

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