The Greatest Wish

Rupert, Dale, and Bubba, three middle-aged friends who never really made much of themselves, were sitting around complaining about the sorry state of their lives, when suddenly, an angel appeared and promised to grant each one of them a single wish.

Rupert immediately said, “I wish I were the President.” In an instant, Rupert found himself in the White House and in command of an entire nation.

Next, Dale said, “I wish I was the richest man in the world.” A moment later, Dale was on a on a private mega-yacht anchored off his own private island in the Caribbean, relaxing and enjoying the beautiful weather.

Finally, it was Bubba’s turn. Looking around and seeing that his longtime friends were gone,  he said, “Gee, I feel lonely. I wish that Rupert and Dale were back here again with me!”

Jack V. Grazi

The Cheating Experiment 

As the students began their final exam in science, little Tommy was nervous because he didn’t know most of the answers. Not wanting to fail, Tommy decided to copy all the answers off the boy sitting in front of him – the smartest boy in the class. When the test was over, Tommy handed the test to the teacher, confident that he did very well, but feeling bad that he cheated for the first time. As the teacher flipped through the tests, she noticed Tommy’s paper and called him up to her desk.

“Tommy,” she said, “It looks like you failed this test.”

“Failed?!” Tommy exclaimed. “How could I have failed, I’ll bet I answered every question right.”

“Not exactly,” the teacher said. “You answered the first question wrong and that was the most important.”

“Really? What was the first question and what did I answer?” Tommy asked.

“The first question,” the teacher answered slowly, “was, ‘Name’ and your answer was ‘Walter Bernstein.’”

Saide S.

Dad’s Advice 

Phil was exhausted. His wife had just given birth and he had to watch their three older children for a few days. Although it was only for two hours a day, Phil was at his wits’ end and he had a splitting headache. Looking for some relief, he brought the kids over to his parents’ home for a visit. As soon as his father saw him, he noticed his poor condition.

“Phil, you look terrible,” he observed. “Why don’t I get you some aspirin?”

“No thanks, Dad,” Phil replied. “I just took two aspirins.”

“Well, it seems you didn’t follow the instructions,” his father said. Dad brought Phil a bottle and showed him the small print: “Take two aspirin” and “Keep away from children.”

Tutu Mulu

It’s All Latin

Mr. Morris, the 12th grade Latin teacher was always so involved in the text he was teaching that he practically never looked up at his students. He would call on a student for translation and explanation, and without realizing it, he often chose the same student day after day. Out of respect, the students wouldn’t point this out to him.

After being called on four days in a row, an exasperated Nathan asked advice from his friends who came up with a fool-proof plan.

The next day when the teacher said, “Nathan, translate and explain,” Nathan confidently replied, “Sorry, Mr. Morris, but Nathan is absent today.”

“All right,” said the teacher. “…so then you translate and explain.”

Hannah L.

Easiest Homework Ever

The teacher was collecting homework assignments from everyone in row four. When she passed Amy, she saw there was no paper on the desk, and she gave the young girl a disappointed look.

“Amy, where is your homework? This is the third time this week…”

Amy looked up innocently at the teacher and said, “But I followed your instructions exactly. You said the homework was ‘a piece of cake.’ I didn’t want to waste it, so I gave it to my baby brother to eat.”

Amiel T.

A Sure Cure

After suffering from a miserable cold for a week, Jeff visited his doctor and begged for relief. The doctor prescribed a pill, but it didn’t work. A week later, Jeff returned to the doctor, who gave him a shot. With no improvement in his condition and sicker than ever, Jeff visited the doctor a third time and said, “I’ve tried two medications you prescribed so far and neither of them helped. So before you recommend another treatment, you had better be sure it’s the right one.”

“Okay then, this is what I want you to do,” the doctor said. “Go home and take a hot bath. Then throw open all the windows and stand in the draft.”

“But I’ll get pneumonia!” protested Jeff.

“Exactly,” the doctor answered, “that I know how to treat!”

Abie C.

The Vitality Secret

My wife recently ran into the housekeeper who used to clean our house many years ago and was surprised to hear that she was still at it, despite her advanced age. “How do you manage to do all the strenuous work housekeeping entails?” my wife asked.

“I do housework for clients who can’t see the dirt any better than I can,” she replied.

Jack V. Grazi

Food Service 

Upon entering a local burger joint, Jason ordered a burger with a tomatoes and “minimal lettuce.” The woman behind the counter apologetically replied, “Sorry, but we only have iceberg lettuce.”

Ed G.

Inner Harmony

My therapist told me that the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far today, I have finished two bags of chips and a chocolate cake.

I feel better already.

N.

Lightning Hammer

During our home renovation, my wife was watching me drive in some nails. “You hammer like lightning,” she said.

“Really?” I replied, flattered.

“Yes, really…you never strike the same place twice.”

Alice K.

A Ticket to Ride

A motorist was speeding down the highway when a cop caught up with him and ticketed him for speeding. “What am I supposed to do with this?” the motorist grumbled as the policeman handed him the speeding ticket.

“Keep it,” the cop said. “When you collect four of them, you get a bicycle.”

Renda B.

Spelling Test

Teacher: Billy, how do you spell “crocodile”?
Billy: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L.
Teacher: No, that’s incorrect.
Billy: Maybe you think so, but you asked me how I spell it.

G.

Techno-Diner 

Working on a computer all day has definitely messed with Sarah’s view of reality. We had just placed our lunch order, and as our waiter walked away, he slipped on a wet spot on the floor. “How about that?” she observed dryly. “Our server is down.”

Carey A.