A Soldiering Tip

In appreciation for the assistance and warm welcome received from the local community, the colonel decided to hold an open house for all the residents of the town at the new army base. After demonstrating a short drill with soldiers in formation, a grand tour of the base was given, followed by a free meal.

In the dining hall, Private Clark was busing tables when he noticed a family leaving a large tip. “Excuse me,” he said, “we can’t accept tips.”

“It’s not for you,” said the woman. “That’s to help send your cook to cooking school.”

Abie C.

Medical Mystery

Joe came into the doctor’s office for a checkup. Stepping up on the small stool in the exam room, Joe got up onto the examination table. But with each stage of the checkup, the doctor shook his head, clucked his tongue and made extensive notes in his chart. Finally, at the end of the physical, the doctor motioned to Joe to rise from the table. Not sure where the stool was, Joe asked “Doc, how do I stand up?”

Looking over at Joe the doctor quickly replied, “That’s exactly what I can’t figure out.”

Jack V. Grazi

The Specialist

Sharon walked into the doctor’s office expecting him to immediately diagnose her aches and pains. The doctor completed a thorough check but could find nothing wrong.

“What seems to be the trouble?” he asked. “What is hurting you?”

“What kind of question is that?” Sharon responded incredulously. “Can’t you see from my fatigued look that I’m sick as a dog?”

“Ah, yes, I see that now,” the doctor acknowledged. “Based on your symptoms, I am going to recommend that you see a specialist right away.”

“What kind of specialist are you sending me to see?” Sharon asked worriedly.

“Why, a veterinarian, of course.”

Yair L.

Traffic Signals

Pam and Heather were crossing the street and heard a clicking sound coming from the traffic light. Heather asked Pam about it. Pam explained that it was a new feature to accommodate the handicapped. The clicking noise would signal to blind people when the light is green and it’s safe to cross.

Appalled by what she heard, Heather responded, “What on earth are blind people doing driving?!”

Eddie G.

Alphabetical

Upon completing her math lesson, the teacher handed out a word problem practice sheet. The bonus question asked the students to fill in a space for six letters from the following clue: A billfold or pouch which holds your money.

Little Nathan wrote: A Y R U M T

Moshe N.

 

Why Seniors are Better

We are more valuable than any of the younger generation:

We have SILVER in our hair.

We have GOLD in our teeth.

We have STONES in our kidneys.

And we have LEAD in our feet.

Raquel H.

 

Scale with a Purpose

Two youngsters were closely examining bathroom scales on display at the department store.

“What’s it for?” one asked.

“I’m not exactly sure,” the other replied.

“My dad has one. I think you stand on it and it makes you mad.”

David S.

 

New York Hospitality

Going to the front desk of New York’s exclusive Pierre Hotel, Mr. Mendelbaum requested some stationery. The clerk asked, “Are you a guest at the hotel?”

“No, I am not a guest,” Mr. Mendelbaum snapped indignantly. “If I was, you wouldn’t be charging me $600 a night!”

D.B.

An Airline First

With crowded quarters in the coach section of the airplane, I can’t blame coach passengers for asking flight attendants for free upgrades to first class. The other day I was in first class, flying back from China, when a passenger came up front and asked the stewardess, “Is there any way I can be bumped up to first class?”

The stewardess shook her head and replied, “Not unless we hit turbulence.”

Jack V. Grazi

Mathematic Brainteaser

Mr. Morris, the 6th grade teacher, posed the following problem to one of his arithmetic classes:

“A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars. One-third of it goes to his wife, one-fifth goes to his son, one-sixth to his butler, one-eighth to his secretary, and the rest to charity. Now, what does each one get?”

After a very long silence in the classroom, Little Morris raised his hand.

With complete sincerity in his voice, Morris answered… “A good lawyer!”

Bergman

 

Just Dessert

One Shabbat afternoon a family sat down to lunch with their guests. As they were nearing the end of the meal, the guests expressed their delight with the food and commented on how much they felt they had eaten. The host then playfully replied with exaggerated emphasis, “I just hope you all saved some room for dessert!”

Looking concerned over his favorite part of the meal, the seven year old quickly moved over a platter of chicken and a bowl of rice and innocently exclaimed, “Don’t worry Ma… I made some room right here!”

Chana K.

 

Forbidden Fruit?

The school bell rang and the children ran down to the lunchroom. The yeshiva elementary school was having a special lunch that included treats that parents had brought in as a fundraiser for the school. At the beginning of the lunch line there was a basket full of apples. Next to the apples, a teacher had placed a little card that read, “Take only one, Hashem is watching.” Later on in the line there was a big plate of cookies that was already nearly empty. There was a small piece of paper laid up against the plate with a note written in a child’s sloppy handwriting that read: “TAKE AS MANY AS YOU WANT, HASHEM IS WATCHING THE APPLES.”

Yona F.

 

The Coupon Kid

Shira Stern dispatched her ten-year-old son Shloimie to pick up a pizza from the local kosher pizza store. Shira handed Shloimie some money and a two-dollar coupon.

Later Shloimie came home with the pizza and the coupon. When asked to explain, Shloimie replied, “Mom, I had enough money. I didn’t need the coupon.”

Mary T.

 

A Helping Hand

Old Moishe Applebaum arrived at the post office with a post card in his hand. He approached the employee at the desk and said, “I’m sorry to bother you but could you address this post card for me? My arthritis is acting up today and I can’t even hold a pen.”

“Certainly sir,” said the younger postal employee, “I’d be glad to.”

He wrote out the address and also agreed to write a short message and sign the card for old Moishe. Finally, the postal employee asked, “Now, is there anything else I can do for you?”

Old Moishe thought about it for a moment and said, “Yes, at the end could you just add, ‘PS: Please excuse the sloppy handwriting.’”