No Matzah for You!
It was Passover and two Jewish attorneys, Saul and David, who worked downtown met at a food court to have lunch. Saul and David proceeded to produce matzah sandwiches from their briefcases and began to eat.
One of the waiters in the food court marched over and told them, “You can’t eat your own food in here!”
Saul and David looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders, and then exchanged matzah sandwiches.
Danny and Shlomo are older students at the yeshiva and they decided that they were fed up with living in the dorms with the lousy yeshiva food. So they decided to rent an apartment and cook food for themselves.
“Did you get us a cookbook?” Danny asked.
“I did, but I don’t like it,” Shlomo replied.
“Why, are the recipes too hard?” asked Danny.
“Exactly!” Shlomo replied. “Every recipe begins the same way, ‘Take a clean dish and…'”
An Enlightening Meal
A Jewish man took his Passover lunch to eat outside in the park. He sat down on a bench and began eating his matzah, complete with perforations and all.
A little while later a blind man came by and sat down next to him. Feeling neighborly, the Jewish man passed a sheet of matzah to the blind man.
The blind man handled the matzah for a few minutes, concentrating intently, and finally exclaimed, “Who wrote this? It’s genius!”
The Breakfast Special
Morris and Shirley Felder were in Israel to visit family and went out for breakfast to a restaurant where the special was two eggs, a bagel, and a coffee for 6 shekels. “I’d like the breakfast special,” Shirley said. “But I don’t want the eggs.”
“Then I’ll have to charge you 8 shekel because you’re ordering a la carte,” the restauranteur warned.
“You mean I’d have to pay for not taking the eggs?” Shirley asked incredulously. “I’ll take the special.”
“How do you want your eggs?”
“Raw and in the shell,” Shirley replied. “I’ll take them home with me.”
Mordy Is Getting Older
Old Mordy Applebaum goes to his doctor complaining of aches and pains all over his body. After a thorough examination, the doctor gives him a clean bill of health.
“Mordy, you’re in excellent shape for an 85-year-old man. But I’m not a magician – I can’t make you any younger,” says the doctor.
“Who asked you to make me younger?” says Mordy. “You just make sure I get older!”
A Medical Opinion
A panel of doctors was asked to discuss the prospect of adding a new wing to their hospital. The allergists voted to scratch it, and the dermatologists advised no rash moves. The gastroenterologists had a gut feeling about it, but the neurologists thought the administration had a lot of nerve, and the obstetricians said they were all laboring under a misconception. The ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted, the pathologists yelled, “Over my dead body!” while the pediatricians said, “Grow up!” The psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, the surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing, and the radiologists could see right through it! The internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, but the plastic surgeons said, “This puts a whole new face on the matter.” The podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the urologists felt the scheme wouldn’t hold water. The anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the cardiologists didn’t have the heart to say no.
A Problematic Problem
Three psychiatrists were sitting together discussing their work. They all enjoyed helping others, but they felt they had no one they could confide in. So they decided to listen to each other’s deepest, darkest secrets.
Anthony, the first psychiatrist, confessed, “I’m a compulsive shopper, deeply in debt. So I always overcharge my patients.”
Scott, the second shrink in the group, admitted, “I have a prescription drug problem, and I trick my patients into filling prescriptions for me.”
Finally, Howard, the last in the group, stated his confession, “I know it’s wrong, but no matter how hard I try, I just can’t keep a secret.”
The Greenhouse Effect
Anthony was glum. He stood outside his home watching the flames eat through the last remnants of his once beautiful house. At first, the firefighters thought they could save the magnificent greenhouse in the back, but the wind fanned the flames onto the glass structure and the firefighters had to turn their hoses full force on the greenhouse to prevent the fire from spreading even further. After it was over, one firefighter approached Anthony with some words of comfort: “Sorry about your greenhouse. I feel bad that we couldn’t get the plants out in time – but we did water them for you.”
The Unhappy Verdict
The evidence that John was guilty seemed clear and the jurors had only deliberated for a few minutes before coming out with a verdict. As the jury foreman read the decision, few in the courtroom could believe it. The impossible happened, John was found innocent and was free to go!
As everyone prepared to leave the courthouse, John’s lawyer turned to his sad looking client and asked, “Johnny, what’s wrong? I can’t believe you look so grim. You were just saved from spending three to five years in prison!”
“I know,” said John, “I really didn’t think we would win the case.”
“So what’s the problem?” the lawyer asked curiously.
“See that nice little Danish couple there?” John said as he pointed to the back of the court room.
“Yes,” the lawyer replied.
“Well, this morning I rented out my apartment to them for the next two years!”
Jack V. Grazi
At the Russian military academy, a general gave a lecture on the topic “Potential Problems and Military Strategy.” During the question-and-answer session following the lecture, one officer stood up and asked, “Will there be a Third World War and will Russia take part in it?”
“Yes to both” replied the general.
The officer asked, “Who will be the enemy?”
“All indications point to China.”
The audience was shocked and the officer continued to question the general with desperation creeping into his voice. “But General, we are only 140 million, while the Chinese are 1,400 million. Do we stand a chance?”
“Just think about this” the general explained. “In modern warfare, it is not the quantity that matters, but the quality. For example, in the Middle East there were wars where as few as 650,000 Jews fought against 65 million Arabs, and Israel was always victorious.”
After a small pause the officer asked, “But do we have enough Jews?”