A Clean Sweep
Morris, owner of Moe’s Kosher Grocer, decided to do his friend Herb a favor and hire his grandson David, fresh out of college, to work in the grocery store. David reported for his first day of work and Morris greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, “Your first job will be to sweep out the store.”
“But I’m a college graduate,” David replied indignantly.
“Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t know that,” said Morris. “Here, give me the broom – I’ll show you how.”
Hard Day at Work
Jesse dragged himself home and barely made it to his chair before he dropped, exhausted. His sympathetic wife Rose was right there with a tall cool drink and a comforting word.
“My, you look tired,” Rose said. “You must have had a hard day today. What happened to make you so exhausted?”
“It was terrible,” Jesse said, “We had no computer or internet access the whole day, so all of us had to do our own thinking.”
The Best Gift
Josh’s favorite uncle, Uncle Heshy, was in town.
“Thanks for the harmonica you gave me last Hanukah,” little Josh said. “It’s the best present ever! It makes me money!”
“That’s amazing!” said Uncle Heshy. “How are you making money? Are you being paid to play at parties?”
“Oh, I don’t play it at all,” little Josh said. “Mommy gives me a dollar a day not to play it during the day and Daddy gives me five dollars a week not to play it at night.”
Little Moishe walked to and from school daily. On one particular morning, the weather was questionable, as clouds were forming, and the sky was grey. But Moishie made his daily trek to school anyway.
As the afternoon progressed, the winds whipped up and the thunder and lightning began to roll. Moishie’s mother was concerned that her son would be frightened as he walked home from school and feared that the electrical storm might harm him.
Worried, Mrs. Rosenbloom got into her car and drove along the route to Moishie’s school. Upon finding her son, she noticed her boy was walking along just fine, but at each flash of lightning, Moishie would stop, look up and smile. More lightning followed and with each flash Moishie would look at the streak of light and smile.
Puzzled, the mother approached him in her car, lowered the window and asked him, “What are you doing?”
Moishie answered, “I am trying to look nice. Hashem keeps taking my picture.”
A Close Shave
A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together.
After the man received the full treatment – shave, shampoo, manicure, haircut, etc. – he placed little Joey in the chair. “I have to step out,” said the man. “I’ll be back in a few minutes.”
When little Joey’s haircut was completed and the man still hadn’t returned, the barber said, “Looks like your daddy’s forgotten all about you.”
“That wasn’t my daddy,” said Joey. “He just walked up, took me by the hand and said, ‘Come on, son, we’re going to get a free haircut!’”
A Real Steal
Max is not the world’s greatest businessman – he loses money all of the time, but this time it’s not his fault because he was robbed. Henry, his friend, hears about the robbery and goes to visit Max.
“I’m very sorry to hear about the robbery,” says Henry. “Did you lose much?”
“I lost a few things, but it’s okay – I got off lucky. I’m just happy it didn’t happen one night earlier.”
“Why?” asks Henry.
“Well,” replies Max, “just on the day of the theft, I marked everything down by 30 percent!”
It was the first day of school in September, and thank Gd, kids were back in school after a long- extended summer. Mrs. Greenberg, the 10th grade English teacher, was setting some of her ground rules. “There are two words I don’t allow in my class. One is gross and the other is cool.”
From the back of the room little Ikey called out, “So, what are the words?”
Service with a Smile
A customer was really hassling an El Al agent at the ticket counter in Tel Aviv – yelling and using foul language. But the agent was polite and pleasant, and smiled while the customer continued to verbally abuse her.
When the man finally left, the next person in line, a tourist from Canada, said to the agent, “Does that happen often? I can’t believe how nice you were to him.”
The El Al agent smiled and said, “No problem, I took care of it. He’s going to Detroit. His bags are going to Bangkok.”
A Fishy Story
Shlomo and Rachel go to their local kosher restaurant and order the “Salmon Special.” When their food arrives, Shlomo and Rachel are not impressed. It doesn’t even look like Salmon. So, Shlomo calls over the waiter.
“Waiter,” he says, pointing to their plates, “be honest with me, these pieces of fish are from cans, aren’t they?”
“From cans, sir?” says the waiter, indignantly. “They’re not from cans. They came directly from Alaska.”
Rachel pipes up, “But were they exported or deported?”
Coach Epstein was having some trouble when he was coaching the Stars of David in the Bnai Brit little league baseball league. At one point during a game, Coach Epstein said to one of his young players, “Do you understand what a team is?”
The little boy nodded.
“Do you understand that what matters is whether we win together as a team?”
“Yes, Sir,” the little boy said.
“So,” Coach Epstein continued, “when a strike is called, or you’re out at first, you don’t argue or yell at the umpire. Do you understand all that?”
Again, the little boy nodded. “Yes, Coach, I understand.”
“Good,” said Coach Epstein nervously. “Now, could you go over there and explain it to your father?”
New Security Device
The Israelis are developing an airport security device that eliminates the privacy concerns that come with full-body scanners. It’s an armored booth you step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have on your person.
Israel sees this as a win-win situation for everyone, with no fears about racial profiling. It will also eliminate the costs of other long and expensive security techniques.
So basically, you’re in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion. Shortly thereafter, an announcement:
“Attention to all standby passengers, El Al is pleased to announce that a seat is now available on flight 670 to London. Shalom!”