Speed Bump
Abie gets pulled over going 110 MPH on a side street.
Sitting in court, he watches as people go up to get their sentence. One after the other, the judge pounds them with three-month or six-month suspensions.
Finally it comes Abie`s turn.
Realizing that he is in trouble, he steps up to the front of the room and right away tells the judge, “Judge, I have nothing to say. I was wrong.”
The judge is impressed that Abie feels sorry and replies, “Abie, you may go with a 30-day suspension.”
As Abie is turning to leave, he asks the judge for a favor.
“But how am I going to get home?” he asks. “Can you please hold off the suspension until I drive home?”
“And how long will it take you to get home?” retorts the judge.
Without blinking an eye, Abie replies, “Your honor, if I drive 110, I can get there in 10 minutes.”
Jack Sasson
Bad News
A family out for a stroll along the water noticed that a cute little powerboat was sadly overshadowed by the sleek sailing craft that had moored next to them. It was named Bad News, and they asked the captain how he came up with that name.
“I love to race my sailboat,” he said. “And everyone knows bad news travels fast.”
R.E.
Taking the Redeye
I stumbled onto the redeye flight and, as tired as I was, had to smile when the captain announced, “Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to flight 1492 to, believe it or not, Columbus.”
Steve Sutton
Ferry
Steve lived in Staten Island, NY, and worked in Manhattan. He had to take the ferry home every night. One evening, he got down to the ferry and found there was a wait for the next boat, so he sat down to wait. When he got back to the ferry slip, the ferryboat was just eight feet from the dock. Afraid of missing this one and being late for dinner, Steve took a running leap and landed right on the deck of the boat.
“How did you like that jump, buddy?” said a proud Steve to a deck hand.
“It was great,” said the sailor. “But why didn’t you wait? We were just pulling in!”
Donna A.
One Shoe
A tourist was driving down a country road in Kentucky when he saw a little boy walking down the road with only one shoe on. He stopped and said, “What’s the matter, son? Did you lose a shoe?”
The boy says, “Nope! Just found one.”
Sammy L.
Niagara Falls
A guide was showing Niagara Falls to a man from Texas, and said, “I’ll bet you don’t have anything like this in Texas.”
“Nope,” the Texan said, “but in Texas we have plumbers who can fix it.”
Michael Levy
Safe Travels
If flying is so safe, then why do they call the airport, the “terminal”?
Jack V. Grazi
Security Check
Shortly after the FAA announced the ban on fluids, my friend was stopped by airport security because they found a bottle of water in one of his carry-on bags.
“Sorry,” the officer said, tossing the bottle into a bin of confiscated items, “but water is now considered a liquid.”
S. Schweky
Asking Directions
A driver pulled up beside a rundown farmhouse. He got out and knocked at the door. A very old woman answered the door, and he asked her for directions to Des Moines.“Don’t know,” the woman said. He got back in his car and pulled away. Then he heard voices. He looked in his rearview mirror and saw the woman and an equally old man waving for him to come back. So he made a U- turn and drove up to them.“This is my husband,” the old woman said. “He doesn’t know how to get to Des Moines either.”
Linda Dayan
Animal Instincts
A man did not like his wife’s cat and decided to drop off the cat 20 blocks from his home.
As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.
The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.
Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!
He kept taking the cat farther and farther and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home, and left the cat there.
Hours later, the man calls home to his wife. “Jen, is the cat there?”
“Yes,” the wife answers, “why do you ask?”
Frustrated, the man answered, “Put that critter on the phone. I’m lost and need directions!”
Yitzy D.
Mechanically Minded
I feel inadequate when talking with a mechanic, so when my vehicle started making a strange noise, I sought help from a friend. A car nut, he told me how to explain the difficulty when I took it in for repair. At the shop, I proudly recited, “The timing is off, and there are premature detonations, which may damage the valves.”
As I smugly glanced over the mechanic’s shoulder, I saw him write on his clipboard: “Lady says it makes a funny noise.”
Frieda Mizrahi
Foreign Exchange
Donald MacDonald from Scotland went to study at an American university and was living in the dormitory with all the other students there. After he had been there a month, his mother came to visit him.
“And how do you find the American students, Donald?” she asked.
“Mother,” he replied, “they’re such terrible, noisy people. The one on that side keeps banging his head on the wall and won’t stop. The one on the other side screams and screams all night.”
“Oh Donald! How do you manage to put up with these awful noisy neighbors?”
“Mother, I do nothing. I just ignore them. I just stay here quietly, playing my bagpipes.”
Y.D.