The Lighter Side – September 2023

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Job Application

A businessman was interviewing applicants for the position of Branch Manager. He devised a simple test to select the most suitable person for the job. He asked each applicant the question, “What is two and two?”

The first applicant was a writer. His answer was “twenty-two.” The second applicant was an engineer. He pulled out a calculator and showed the answer to be “between 3.999 and 4.001.”

The next person was a lawyer. He stated that, “In the case of Herman vs. Jones, two and two was proven to be four.”

The last applicant was an accountant. The businessman asked him, “How much is two and two?”

The accountant got up from his chair, went over to the door, closed it, then came back and sat down. He leaned across the desk and asked in a low voice, “How much do you want it to be?”

He got the job!

 

Martin T.

Dog Gone It

A man went to visit his friend Chaim Yankel because he heard Chaim Yankel had a very special dog. Sure enough, when the man arrived, he was astonished to find the dog praying beautifully, the entire Yom Kippur service.

The man watched in astonishment for a while then exclaimed, “I can hardly believe my eyes! This must be the smartest dog in the world!”

“Nah, he’s not so smart,” Chaim Yankel replied. “He’s praying the Sefardi Yom Kippur service, but we are Ashkenazi!”

Alan C.

The Big Promotion

The boss called one of his employees into the office. “David,” he said, “you’ve been with the company for a year. You started off in the post room, one week later you were promoted to a sales position, and one month after that you were promoted to district manager of the sales department. Just four short months later, you were promoted to vice-chairman.”

“Now it’s time for me to retire, and I want you to take over the company. What do you say to that?”

“Thanks,” said David.

“Thanks?” the boss replied. “Is that all you can say?”

“I suppose not,” David said. “Thanks, Dad.”

Mark D.

Test Score

Cindy approached her father and said, “Daddy, if got 100 on my test – you would give me ten dollars, right?”

“Of course,” replied the father.

“Fantastic,” shouted Cindy. “Then, please give me five dollars!”

 

Madeline E.

Hammer Time

One day, Yitzy asked his son Moishe to borrow a hammer from the neighbor across the street.

A few minutes later, Moishe returned empty-handed. “They don’t have one,” he explained to his father.

Yitzy replied, “So, go ask the Cohen’s down the block.”

A few minutes later, Moishe was back again, and his hands were just as empty as before. “They weren’t home,” he reported.

“Okay,” Yitzy replied, “Then try the Elbaum’s around the corner.”

Ten minutes later, Moishe was back again. “They don’t have a hammer either,” he answered – panting and exhausted from all his efforts.

“Okay,” Yitzy said with a shrug, as he finally made peace with the situation. “Then just bring me ours from the toolbox in the closet.”

 

Ralph S.

The Future Is Now

Sarah was one of those active grandmothers and one day, out bicycling with her eight-year-old granddaughter, Rachel, she got a little wistful. “In ten years,” Sarah said, “you’ll want to be with your friends and you won’t go walking, biking, and swimming with me like you do now.”

“Don’t worry Grandma,” Rachel shrugged. “In ten years, you’ll be too old to do all those things anyway.”

Lori K

Parent-Teacher Conference

When Mrs. Epstein arrived at school for her daughter’s parent-teacher conference, the teacher seemed a bit flustered, especially when she started telling me that my little Lisa didn’t always pay attention in class and was sometimes a little flighty.

“For example, she’ll do the wrong page in the workbook,” the teacher explained, “and I’ve even found her sitting at the wrong desk.”

“I don’t understand,” I replied defensively. “Where could she have gotten that?”

The teacher went on to reassure me that my daughter was still doing fine in school and was sweet and likable. Finally, after a pause, she added, “By the way, Mrs. Epstein, our appointment was for tomorrow.”

Jamie F.

Help Wanted?

A young man walked into a supermarket and approached the owner. “Excuse me sir, do you need a good cashier?” The owner, who was very busy said, “No, thank you.”

The young man then asked, “Could you use a good stockboy?”

The owner, a little disturbed, replied, “Nope – I have all the help I need!”

The young man smiled and said, “That’s great, let me introduce myself. I’m Shimon Rothstein from the SIGNS R US sign company. Since you do not need to hire any help, you obviously need to purchase this…”

And he handed the owner a “NO HELP WANTED” sign.

Jacob B.

It Wouldn’t Be Right

Morris was struggling with his math homework.

After a while, he turned to his father and said: “Dad, can you help me?”

His father replied, “I could. But it wouldn’t be right, would it?”

“Probably not,” said Morris, “but you could at least give it a try.”

Cheryl P.

Bingo!

It’s a big night at the neighborhood’s bingo hall. The manager is frantically running because he has a full house, and the prize money for a full house is around $100,000. To make matters worse, the usual bingo host is sick – he lost his voice.

Sam Goldberg, an elderly patron sees the panic on the manager’s face, and calls him over and says, “Listen Mr. Smith, at the old age home where I live, I call out the bingo numbers. Let me help.”

“Mr. Goldberg you are a lifesaver,” says the manager. “You’ve gotten me out of big trouble. There must be at least a thousand people in here!”

So, Sam sits in the bingo caller’s chair, releases the balls, and wishes the audience good luck. The first ball comes out, and Sam calls out the number “eynze,” the next number, he calls out “feer,” and ” tsfonsic” then “finef.”

At that point the bingo hall manager rushes up to the stage and screams at Mr. Goldberg, “What are you doing?! You’re calling all the numbers out in Yiddish! Nobody can understand you!”

To which Mr. Goldberg replies, “You don’t want that a Jew should win?”

Victor G.