The Lighter Side – February 2024

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Fact or Fiction

As a group of robbers entered the bank, their leader went to the manager and asked him to open the vault. He threatened the manager by saying, “If you try to do anything smart, you are fiction.” The manager was confused and asked him, “Don’t you mean, ‘You are history’?” The robber angrily replied, “Do not change the subject, okay?”

Jake T.

The Barber’s Customer

A man went to the barber for a shave. While the barber was foaming him up, he mentioned the problems he had getting a close shave around his cheeks. The barber took out a small wooden ball and told him to place it between his cheek and gum. The customer asked, “But what if I swallow it?” The barber replied, “No problem, just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does.”

Lawrence H.

Job Interview

Chaim Yankel had been out of work for a year now. He wasn’t sure if it was his education or his interview skills that were preventing him from obtaining a new position.

Monday morning, Chaim Yankel had a job interview and he was very excited. The manager wanted to find out something about his personality so he asked, “Chaim Yankel, if you could have a conversation with someone, living or dead, who would it be?”

Chaim Yankel quickly responded, “The living one.”

Morris C.

Take Your Parent to School Day

Morris the accountant went to his daughter Shira’s school for “Take your parent to school day.”

“So how did your day go?” Mrs. Rosenberg asked her husband Morris.

“Terrible,” said Shira.

“What do you mean terrible?” said Morris. “Excellent is more like it!”

“Nu, so what happened?” asked Mrs. Rosenberg.

“The math teacher was giving this boring lesson about basic math like addition and subtraction and I got up at the front of the class and said, ‘Excuse me, but if you all want to be successful one day, forget about learning how to subtract – learn how to deduct.’”

Benny S.

Emotion Code

Two robots were discussing human emotions. One said, “I observed a human saying she was perfectly fine, but then she consumed an entire tub of ice cream.” The other robot responded, “Ah, ‘perfectly fine’ must be human code for ‘needs more ice cream.’”

Bobby E.

Tech Talk

A man walks into a store and says he’s looking for a computer. The storekeeper says, “I’ve got this new invention called an abacus. It’s cutting-edge tech from the East!” The man looks skeptical but asks, “Does it have cloud storage?” The shopkeeper replies, “No, but you can hang it on a hook!”

Esther B.

That’s the Ticket

Sadie Cohen lived in a diverse neighborhood on Long Island.

Her neighbor was a very generous African American woman named Louise Jackson who stopped in one Saturday and asked, “Mrs. Cohen, I have to go into the City this afternoon to meet my daughter. Can I get you anything?”

Mrs. Cohen thanked her and exclaimed, “Listen, I have a commuter ticket for the train that I don’t use on Saturday. Why don’t you use my ticket and you’ll bring it back tonight. After all, it’s all paid for. Why should you pay extra?”

The neighbor thanked her, and later got on the train. As the conductor came through the train, he happened to glance at the ticket and noticed the name “Sadie Cohen.”

“Excuse me madam, are you Sadie Cohen, the person whose name appears on this ticket?”

Louise smiled sweetly and shook her head affirmatively. A little suspicious, the conductor asked, “Would you let me compare signatures – would you please sign your name?”

Louise Jackson turned indignantly and snapped, “Man, are you crazy? You want me to write on Shabbos?!”

Miriam F.

Texting for Seniors

The seniors at the Maimonides Senior Home were taught how to text message and actually took quite the liking to it. They even came up with their own vocabulary:

BFF: Best Friend Fainted
BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
CBM: Covered by Medicare
LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out
GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!

Alice G.

Artistic Flair

A wealthy art collector called an artist and said, “I’ve just bought one of your paintings, but I have one question.” The artist, eager to hear the question, asked, “What is it?” The wealthy collector inquired, “Why is the paint still wet?” The artist chuckled and said, “Well, you said you wanted one of my freshest works!”

Maureen S

Epstein’s Cleaners

Itzik works in Israel’s high-tech sector and before a business trip overseas, he takes his trousers to a tailor in Jerusalem named Epstein. But after he returns from his trip, Itzik forgets all about his pants. Years go by, until one day Itzik reaches into a jacket pocket and to his surprise finds the tailor’s receipt. He goes straight to the tailor, hands him the receipt and asks, “Epstein, are my pants still here?”

“Yes of course,” the tailor replies. “They’ll be ready next Tuesday.”

Elliot W.

Absent-Minded Professor

Professor Weingarten was one of the world’s greatest mathematicians, but was also recognized as somewhat of an absent-minded professor. One day, on board a train, he was unable to find his ticket. The conductor said, “Take it easy. You’ll find it.”

When the conductor returned, the professor still couldn’t find the ticket. The conductor, recognizing the famous mathematician, said, “I’m sure you bought a ticket. Forget about it.”

“You’re very kind,” Professor Weingarten said, “but I must find it. Otherwise, I won’t know where to get off.”

Marty P.

Tennis, Anyone?

Camp Magen David started and they decided to introduce the kids to tennis. At the beginning of the session, the tennis teacher was talking about good sportsmanship.

He asked, “Can anyone tell me what a good sport is?”

Little Maxie raised his hand, got called on, and said, “Baseball!”

Sammy T.

Swim Time in Yeshiva

A yeshiva bochur was at the local swimming pool when he got in trouble with the lifeguard for running.

“Hey,” said the lifeguard. “Can’t you read? The sign says no running!”

“What are you talking about?” said the yeshiva bochur. “The sign says to run.”

“Do you need glasses?” asked the lifeguard. “The sign says, ‘Walk. No Running.’”

“You’ve got it all wrong,” said the yeshiva bochur. “The sign says, ‘Walk? No! Running!’”

 

David M.