The Lighter Side – March 2024

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Sounds Fishy

A wealthy businessman sees a poor man fishing by the river every day. One day, he approaches him and says, “If you worked harder, you could afford a fishing boat!” The poor man nods and asks, “And then what?” The businessman replies, “You could catch more fish, sell them, and buy a fleet of boats!” The poor man nods again, “And then what?” The businessman, getting excited, says, “You could have a fishing empire and be rich like me!” The poor man smiles, “And then what?” The businessman says, “Then you could relax and fish all day!” The poor man chuckles, “Isn’t that what I’m doing now?”

Victor G.

Modern Medicine

A woman went to the doctor’s office where she was seen by one of the younger doctors. After about four minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming as she ran down the hall. A senior doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story. After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.

The older doctor marched down the hallway back to where the young doctor was writing on her clipboard.

“What’s the matter with you?” the older doctor demanded. “Mrs.  Bergman is 61 years old, has four married children, and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was expecting?!”

The younger doctor continued writing and, without even looking up, said, “Does she still have the hiccups?”

Freda A.

PURIM PUNS

Q: What was Queen Esther’s royal gown made of?
A: POLY-ESTER!

Q: What berachah did the Jews say upon seeing Haman hanging on the gallows?
A: HA’EITZ!

Q: Who had the tallest family tree in history?
A: HAMAN!

Yaakov M.

Bag of Tricks

It was very crowded at Heshy’s Kosher Market, the local grocery store, and the customer at the checkout had a large order.

As Heshy himself lifted the final bag for the customer, its bottom gave way, sending the contents crashing to the floor.

“They just don’t make these bags like they used to,” Heshy quipped to the customer. “That was supposed to happen in your driveway!”

Cynthia R.

Rained In

After a prolonged drought, it started to rain heavily and all the animals in the forest were happy – except for the kangaroo. When the animals asked the kangaroo why she was nervous, she replied that the rain meant that all her kids would now be playing inside.

Mari T.

Half a Head

A man in the Florida supermarket wanted to buy half a head of lettuce, but the young produce assistant explained that the store sells only whole heads of lettuce. The man persisted and so the produce assistant went to the back of the supermarket to check with the manager.

“Sorry to bother you, sir,” he said to the manager, “but some yo-yo wants to buy half a head of lettuce.”

As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him.  He quickly added, “And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half.”

David S.

Cookie Counter

The afternoon was drawing to a close, and the guests were getting ready to leave.

“Mrs. Goldberg,” said one of the ladies. “I just wanted to tell you that your cookies were so delicious I ate four of them.”

“You ate five,” responded Mrs. Goldberg. “But who’s counting?”

Sharon J.

Breath of Fresh Air

A lady was riding an Egged bus in Jerusalem was reading a newspaper article about life and death statistics. Fascinated, she turned to the woman next to her and said, “Did you know that every time I breathe somebody dies?”

“Really!?” she said. “Have you tried mouthwash?”

Karen W.

Army Exchange Program

A group of Jewish soldiers in the American military were visiting some of their counterparts in the Israeli army.

“What rank are you?” one of the Israelis asked one of the Americans.

“I’m relieved to say that I’ve just been promoted from captain to major.”

“Why do you say relieved?”

“Because,” he replied, “my last name is Hook.”

Marty D.

The Crew Team

Yeshiva University decided to create a crew team. Unfortunately, they lost every race. Each day they practiced for hours but always came in dead last. Finally, they sent Yankel to spy on the best team in the league. Yankel schlepped off to Massachusetts and hid in the bushes off the river from where he secretly watched the team practice. After two days, he returned, satisfied.

“I’ve figured out how they do it,” said Yankel to his eager teammates, huddling around him.

“What?” asked the others eagerly.

“They have eight fellows rowing and only one fellow screaming!”

Carl D.

One-Liner

Hymie: “Doctor, doctor I think I’m shrinking!”

Doctor: “Well, you’ll just have to be a little patient!!”

Victor Grazi

Jar #47

Dr. Bernstein was a new doctor in town. He was a well-respected specialist in the big city with a great reputation, but he decided to move to a small town instead. The townspeople were enamored by their new fancy doctor and he soon got a reputation that he could cure anything and anybody. Everyone was amazed with what he could do – everyone except for Mr. Thompson, the town skeptic.

Grumpy old Mr. Thompson went to visit “Miracle Doctor Bernstein” to prove that he wasn’t anybody special. When it was time for his appointment he told Dr. Bernstein, “Hey, doc, I’ve lost my sense of taste. I can’t taste anything – so what are ya goin’ to do?”

Dr. Bernstein scratched his head and mumbled to himself a little, then told Mr. Thompson, “What you need is jar number 47.”

So, Dr. Bernstein brought the jar out, opened it, and told Mr. Thompson to taste it. He tasted it and immediately spit it out, “This is gross!” he yelled. “Looks like I just restored your sense of taste Mr. Thompson,” said Dr. Bernstein. So, Mr. Thompson went home… very mad.

One month later, Mr. Thompson decides to go back to Dr. Bernstein and try once again to expose him as a fake, by complaining of a new problem. “Doc,” he started, “I can’t remember anything!” Thinking he had Dr. Bernstein stumped now, he waited as the doctor scratched his head, mumbled to himself a little, and told Mr. Thompson, “What you need is jar number 47, it’s…”

But, before Dr. Bernstein could finish his sentence, Mr. Thompson was cured and fled the room!

Norman K.