The Lighter Side – April 2024

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Pesach Cleaning

Morris and Sam went up to the attic to help their mother with some pre-Passover cleaning. The boys uncovered an old manual typewriter and asked, “Hey, Mom, what’s this?”

“Oh, that’s an old typewriter,” she answered, thinking that would satisfy their curiosity.

“Well, what does it do?” they queried.

“I’ll show you,” she said. She went downstairs and returned with a blank piece of paper. She rolled the paper into the typewriter and began striking the keys, leaving black letters of print on the page.

“WOW!” the boys exclaimed, “That’s really cool – but how does it work like that? Where do you plug it in?”

“There is no plug,” she answered. “It doesn’t need a plug.”

“Then where do you put the batteries?” they persisted.

“It doesn’t need batteries either,” she continued.

“Wow! This is so awesome!” the brothers exclaimed. “Someone should have invented this a long time ago!”

Steven H.

Listen to Reason

“Can you play with me?” my preschooler asked.

“Not now,” I said. “I have too much work to do around the house.”

Taking my hand, and with the wisdom of one who has lived many a lifetime, he said, “Mom, I have advice for you. When people tell me to do work, I don’t listen to them. Then I don’t have work to do. It works for me. You should try it.”

Karen T.

Jewish Wisdom

Danny came home from yeshiva and told his parents that he was going to start listening to them more because he had just learned all about the mitzvah of honoring parents.

 

Impressed, his parents asked him if he had learned anything that might help him deal with his brothers and sisters. Without missing a beat, Danny responded, “Yes – you shall not kill!”

 

Frieda M.

PESACH PUNS

Why did the matzah go to the doctor?

Because it felt crummy!

 

What do you call a matzah that can sing?

A matzah-rella!

 

Why do we have a Haggadah at Passover?

So, we can Seder right words!

Dental Care

After cleaning my five-year-old patient’s teeth, I accompanied him to the reception area, only to see him struggle with the oak door.

“It’s heavy, isn’t it?” I asked.

“Yes,” he said. “Is that so children can’t escape?”

Rachelle K.

Bloody Awful

When my six-year-old daughter came down with a virus, I took her to the doctor’s office. Holding her hands, I explained the sad facts: “The doctor is now going to draw some blood.”

Calmly and stoically she responded, “Whose?”

Jamie B.

Boys Will Be Boys

Little Rachel was preparing for her first day of school, but she confided to her mom that she was concerned about how her cousin Steven’s behavior in the classroom might reflect on her. “He burps and screams, he won’t listen and he won’t sit still,” she lamented. “I’m going to be so embarrassed!”

“Well, how did it go at school?” her mom asked her when she picked Rachel up at the end of the day. “Did Steven do anything to embarrass you?”

“Oh, no,” Rachel replied. “It turns out that all the boys are like that!”

Martin D.

FSBO

When a real estate agency hadn’t sold our house, we decided to do it ourselves. I placed ads in the local papers, spray painted a “For Sale” message on a sign board, and posted it outside. When my husband came home that evening, he told me, laughing, that my sign was the most truthful one he had ever seen. Confused, I rushed outside to take a look. In my haste I had printed – “For Sale by Ower.”

Nathan H.

Clean Sweep

One afternoon, little Haim was playing outdoors. He used his mother’s broom as a horse and had a wonderful time until it started getting dark, at which point he left the broom on the back porch and came back inside.

 

Later, his mother was cleaning up the kitchen when she realized that her broom was missing. She asked little Haim about the broom and he told her where it was. She asked him to go get it.

 

Little Haim informed his mom that he was afraid of the dark and didn’t want to go out to get the broom.

 

His mother smiled and said, “Don’t worry, Haim. There’s nothing to be afraid of. Hashem is everywhere and He will protect you.”

 

Little Haim opened the back door a little and said, “Hashem, if You’re out there, hand me the broom.”

The Gutter Truth

Although my daughter wasn’t much of a bowler, when her friend’s bowling team was down a player, my daughter agreed to fill in. “So how’d you do?” I asked a few days later.

She rattled off her scores: “One sixty, one sixty-seven, and one fifty-five.”

“Wow! That’s great.”

“Not really. One game – sixty, the second game – sixty-seven, and the final game – fifty-five.”

Cindy S.

Over and Out

When her six-year-old daughter and four-year-old son ran outside to play with their new toy, my sister sat back to enjoy a cup of coffee and a rare moment of quiet. The peace was shattered when my nephew ran back into the house, crying.

“What’s wrong?” my sister asked.

“She won’t stop calling me Roger!” he sobbed, and threw down his new walkie-talkie.

Teddy K.

Classifieds

A couple was in the market for their first house. After seeing a dud, Joe looked at the classified section and said, “I’m learning more and more about deciphering these real estate ads. ‘Cozy’ means ‘small,’ ‘vintage’ means ‘old.’ And today, I learned that ‘stunning’ means ‘needs new wiring.’”

Joey F.

Need a Raise

“I have to have a raise in my commission,” the new employee said to his boss. “There are three other companies after me.”

“Is that so?” asked the boss. “What other companies are after you?”

“The electric company, the telephone company, and the gas company.”

Shirley F.

Post-Pesach Diet

Al and Dave, father and son, were discussing their respective weight gains over Passover.

“I can’t believe how much weight I gained,” said Dave.

“Yikes,” responded his father, Al. “We have to do something about it.”

 

Dave had an idea. “Dad, why don’t we go on a diet together? We will have a little competition. The one who loses the most weight wins $10.”

“What a fantastic idea,” said Al. “But let’s make it $100!”

“Deal!” said Dave.

“All right,” said Al happily. “But let’s start after Shavuot. There are a bunch of things I have to eat first.”

 

Michael Z.