Dear Jido,
I just got married, and my wife and I have radically different spending habits. I am a saver. I always have been. I grew up with very little and watched how my dad struggled just to make ends meet. As an adult with a successful career, I can’t help but have that mindset when it comes to money. My wife, on the other hand, grew up financially stable and has a freer attitude with spending. Her whole attitude is, “You can’t take it with you.” While I can respect that, it just isn’t the way I live. So, we are at an impasse. We currently live in an apartment and are looking to buy a house. I found one that I really like, but she wants to buy a bigger home. Yes, we can technically afford it, but I would like to live below our means until we are more financially secure. We have been arguing about this and are unable to reach an agreement. Our lease is up at the end of the summer, so we really need to make a decision. How do I get my wife to understand my perspective? I don’t want to be house poor…
Signed,
Live Small and Save Big
Dear Live,
Welcome to marriage. They say that money is the most common issue between spouses – both for newlyweds and for couples in long-standing marriages. Many of the money issues center on not having enough money. In your case, as in the second most common issue, one spouse overspending what the other spouse deems proper or affordable.
The most helpful resolution to this problem, and indeed to many others in marriage, is communication. Rabbi Moshe Chaim Luzatto (the RAMCHAL) says that you can never get truly close to another person unless you understand them. You seem to understand where she’s coming from and how it differs from your own background. Now the job is to make it work.
The first step is for both of you to agree – “It’s not my money, it’s not your money, it’s OUR money. How do WE want to spend it?”
Setting up a budget and developing long-range goals – like buying a house, or paying tuition for a growing family, or for just enjoying life – should be quantified, laid out, and agreed upon. Some even say that monthly reviews are not a bad idea (in your case it might be overkill).
Talk about it and talk about it some more. Some people are good with numbers and some are not. Let your wife know that you are in this together. Today, this is what you can afford. As you build your lives together, with Hashem’s help, you will be able and willing to open the floodgates and shower her with all the good that He blesses you with. Just not now.
Jido