QUESTION:
Dear Rabbi Ali,
I feel sort of stuck in my marriage. Whenever our family gets together, I notice how my sister’s husband helps out with the kids and gets her whatever she needs. Then, I notice that my husband doesn’t help out or jump up to get what I need. My husband is a good guy, but I wish he would help out more. Is there anything that I can do?
R’ ALI’S RESPONSE:
There is plenty that you can do with proper communication. However, I’d like to mention a different point that you bring up that is the cause of much frustration for couples and that is the plague of comparing.
The truth is, the downside of comparing applies to all areas of our lives. However, I want to focus on the points that pertain to marriage. First, it’s important to realize that what you see may not be what’s really going on. You may see a husband who is helping out with the kids. Do you know if his wife gets angry at him if he doesn’t help or that maybe he’s very resentful and feels forced and frustrated? There’s no reason to assume anything negative. My point is that you have no idea what goes on behind closed doors.
Perhaps the husband in this case is genuinely helpful and even does so happily. However, you’re seeing couples when they are on their best behavior. People usually put on a good show in front of others. What goes on behind closed doors for the most part is an entirely different act than what goes on in front of other people.
I don’t want to sound negative, and the point here is not to think negatively about others. However, you may be jealous or envious of something that’s not even there.
Also, maybe this husband is great with the kids and with helping – but there could be other areas of their marriage that are not so enviable, such as the way he and his wife interact. This is something I frequently see when counseling couples. A man will complain that his wife is very negative, and it frustrates him, but she does a lot and has many good qualities. He thinks, “If only my wife could be more positive then things would be so much better.” He is unaware that every marriage needs work. I will then talk with another man whose wife is very positive and never complains. However, she can’t take care of the kids and also cook, it’s too much for her. So, he eats take-out every night.
Know that every couple will have their own unique struggles or areas that they need to work on. No one is immune from having to work on their marriage. The trick is to focus on the positive and the good that your spouse does and to try not to get bogged down with the negative.
Many times, we tend to decide what we think is “normal” in a relationship and base it on what we see in society or with friends and family. We make an assumption and demand “normalcy” from our spouse. People will say, “all wives do this,” or “all husbands do that.” This is very damaging. In general, there is no normal when it comes to marriage. Every couple has their own unique dynamics and should determine what works for them.
“Normal” in marriage is generally what works for you, not necessarily for others. Of course, there are things that are unacceptable and dangerous, but I’m not addressing those cases.
A man told me recently that he and his wife only talk about serious things, such as children and finances. He said he was fine with it, but he was wondering if it’s normal. I explained that if it works for you it’s “your normal.” Maybe for another couple that doesn’t work and they would need to figure out how to make things work better for them.
To conclude, every marriage needs work, and no two marriages are the same. Focus on your situation and stop comparing yourselves to others and you will be much happier and will enjoy smooth sailing shalom bayit.