Let’s Make a Deal
Shelly’s daughter wanted the new iPhone for her birthday. Shelly told her daughter that she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone. Shelly explained to her daughter, “It’s my way or the Huawei.”
Leslie F.
First Day of School
A young boy is going to his first day of school, and he looks worried. His dad asks him, “What’s wrong, son?”
Nervous, the boy replies, “How long do I have to go to school for?”
“Until you’re 17 years of age,” says the father.
The boy nods, and thinks about this quietly. When they get to the front gates of the school, the boy asks, “Dad, you will remember to come and get me when I’m 17, won’t you?”
Martin S.
Measured Response
A fellow was walking along a country road when he came upon a farmer working in his field. The man called out to the farmer, “How long will it take me to get to the next town?”
The farmer didn’t answer. The guy waited a bit and then started walking again. After the man had gone about a hundred yards, the farmer yelled out, “About 20 minutes!”
“Thank you. But why didn’t you tell me that when I asked you?”
“I didn’t know how fast you could walk.”
Jacky B.
Dead Giveaway
Two crows were in a field when they noticed a figure that looked like a man in the distance.
“See that over there? What is that?” asks the first crow.
The second crows takes a long look, “That’s a scarecrow. It looks authentic, doesn’t it.”
“How can you tell it’s a scarecrow and not a person?” replies the first crow.
“Look at its hand. No cellphone,” replies the second crow.
Simon K.
Medical Request
Max goes to his doctor complaining of aches and pains all over his body. After a thorough examination, the doctor gives him a clean bill of health. “Max, you’re in excellent shape – for an 85-year-old man. But I’m not a magician. I can’t make you any younger,” says the doctor.
“Who asked you to make me younger?” says Max. “I’m paying you to make sure I’m getting older!”
Miriam L.
Fat-Free Fries
A boy read a restaurant sign that advertised fat-free French fries.
“Sounds great,” said the health-conscious boy. He ordered some. He watched as the cook pulled a basket of fries from the fryer. The potatoes were dripping with oil when the cook put them into the container.
“Wait a minute,” the boy said. “Those don’t look fat-free!”
“Sure they are,” the cook said. “We charge only for the potatoes.”
Karen M.
Security Clearance
Shlomo worked for the security department of a large retail store, and his duties included responding to fire and burglar alarms. A side door of the building was wired with a security alarm, because it was not supposed to be used by customers.
Nevertheless, customers always found the convenience of the exit tempting. Even a sign with large red letters, warning “Alarm will sound if opened,” failed to deter people from using it. One day, after attending to a number of false alarms, Shlomo got fed up and placed a small handmade sign on the door that totally eliminated the problem: “Wet paint.”
Max G.
Good Reference Needed
Chaim Yankel was sick of his job and was determined to find work elsewhere. But no matter how hard he tried, his reputation as someone who was not dedicated to the job, seemed to follow him around.
One day the phone rang at his office. Although Chaim Yankel did not usually pick up the phone, he picked it up and said hello.
“Hi,” said the man on the line, “I have an unusual question to ask you, I’m looking into a fellow Chaim Yankel for a position in my company. Do you know this fellow?”
“Sure I know him,” responded Chaim Yankel with a smile.
“Tell me,” asked the man. “Is he consistent with his work? Does he always show up on time?”
“Well I’ll be honest with you,” Chaim Yankel truthfully replied, “I’m not so consistent myself, but whenever I’m here he’s here!”
Moishe K.
New Dress
Sam was sitting in one of the chairs provided for men outside the ladies’ fitting room in the local department store. After 30 minutes and six changes of outfits, Sam’s wife Sara came out of the changing room one more time. Sam looked at her and immediately said, “Sara, that looks great on you! Get that one.”
“Honey,” Sara replied, “this is what I was wearing when we came in.”
Rena A.
Hide And Seek
One day, some builders are renovating an old building in Jerusalem when Solly, one of the workers, falls through the rotten floor into a previously undiscovered cellar. As the dust settles, Solly sees to his horror a skeleton lying in the corner. The skeleton is wearing a blue and white sash with these words written on it:
“ALL ISRAEL HIDE-AND-SEEK CHAMPION 1952.”
Henry F.
Candy Sale
Al and David were in third grade, were best friends, and were go-getters. They decided to start selling candy bars out front of a local grocery store to make a little side money. One day as they were selling, an older woman walked by their booth and smiled at their pitch.
“I’ll buy a chocolate bar on one condition,” said the lady to the boys. “My doctor says I shouldn’t eat sweets so you eat it for me.”
She bought a chocolate bar, and handed the candy back to Al. He shook his head as he placed the chocolate bar back into his merchandise display. “I can’t,” he said.
“Why not?” asked the old lady.
Looking the lady in the eye, Al responded gravely, “I’m not supposed to take candy from strangers.”
David C.
The Deli Chase
One day, a New York state trooper was pulling off the highway and as he turned onto the street, he noticed someone pulling out of Moishe’s Kosher Deli. But the driver had placed his pastrami on rye on top of his car, got in, and drove off with the sandwich still on top of his car.
So the trooper decided to pull him over and perform a community service by giving the driver his sandwich. He pulled him over, walked up to the car, pulled the deli sandwich off the roof, and offered it to the driver.
The driver, an old Jewish man, looked at the trooper and said, “No thanks. I just bought one.”
Victor G.