Tammy Sassoon
Everyone naturally wants to be a part of society, whether they are three or 100. We crave connections with others, and often when people are not successful at being part of things, they pretend not to care and then engage in behaviors that actually push others away. Then, when someone says unkind things to them, they draw one of two conclusions – the other person is bad or it is me that is unlovable. (We are not saying in any way that every time someone is mean to someone, it was provoked, since sometimes people just act in hurtful ways without being provoked. What we are saying is that in many cases, when a child is not socially successful, it’s helpful to examine whether that child is inviting connection or disconnection.)
Children often may say things like, “Nobody likes me,” without realizing that there ARE things they can do that make other people more interested in them and make themselves more “likable.” While every human being is inherently lovable, some people act in ways where others can actually sense that “lovable-ness.”
The Crumpled Shirt Metaphor
When teaching this concept, use the following metaphor: Tell your children to imagine that they are walking into a store to buy a new shirt, and they see two identical shirts hanging next to each other. The two shirts are exactly the same size, color, material, and brand. The only thing that is different about the two shirts is that one is hanging fresh and new with tags, while the other is all crumpled up without tags. Naturally, any shopper would choose the shirt that is hanging fresh and new. Now, we all know that once you wash either shirt, they would both look the same, and you’d never be able to tell which was which, because they are both, in fact, beautiful shirts. Somehow, our eyes in the store still gravitate towards that fresh shirt.
Amongst friends, we human beings are like the shirts. Let your children know that every single child in their class is a beautiful person, that everyone has a beautiful soul. If a child engages in “fresh shirt behaviors,” other children are naturally more interested in a friendship. If a child engages in “crumpled shirt” behaviors, other children are naturally not interested a friendship.
Teaching Your Kids Helpful Behaviors
Theres are so many “fresh shirt” and “crumpled shirt” behaviors. You can ask your kids to make a list for each. After you teach this idea you can always add to the list. (Remember, we never teach someone in the moment of struggle. The rule of thumb is that we don’t teach someone how to swim while they are drowning. Good teaching ONLY happens when both the student and teacher are in a calm, good mood.)
Start by giving your child at least one “fresh shirt” behavior as they start the school year; SMILING OFTEN. Let them know that people who smile often attract friends. The opposite, a “crumpled shirt behavior” would be FROWNING OFTEN.
Tell your children the truth about life, that people who come across as annoyed often, or complain a lot actually cause others to be uninterested in them, just like the crumpled shirt. Then, together with your child, role-play being a student who FROWNS OFTEN, as well as being a student who SMILES OFTEN. It’s fun and eye-opening for a child to see the difference.
The great news is always that every moment is an opportunity to start fresh, regardless of what happened yesterday. Show your children that you believe in their ability to engage in lots of “fresh shirt behaviors.” If your child needs help, teach and add one skill at a time. Tell your children that you look forward to hearing all about their friends this year, as their classmates begin to see who they really are!