Charity Case
“Sir you have got to help!” said the tearful man at the door. “There is a family that I know very well that is in desperate need of money. The father has been out of a job for over a year, they have five kids at home with barely a bit of food to eat. The worst part is, that they are about to get kicked out of the house and they will be left on the streets without a roof over their heads!” the man concluded with one last heart-wrenching sob. “Well,” said the man of the house, “that really is a sad story. Why don’t you come inside and we’ll talk about it a little more.” “So how much money is needed exactly?” asked the man when they were both seated. “Oh, it’s really terrible,” said the man starting up again, “why just for the rent $3,000 is needed by tomorrow otherwise they’ll be kicked out onto the streets.” “How do you know so much about this situation?” asked the man as he reached for his check book. “Well,” said the man breaking down once more, “they are my tenants.”
Manny K.
Doggy Deception
Two men, Jim and John, were walking their dogs when they passed by a restaurant. “Let’s go in and get something to eat,” Jim suggested. “We can’t,” responded John. “Don’t you see the sign says NO PETS ALLOWED?” “Aah that sign,” said Jim, “don’t worry about it.” Taking out a pair of sunglasses, he walked up to the door. As he tried walking into the restaurant he got stopped at the door, “Sorry, no pets allowed,” the man said. “Can’t you see,” said Jim “I am blind, this is my seeing eye dog.” “But it’s a Doberman Pincher! Who uses a Doberman Pincher as a seeing eye dog?” the man asked. “Oh,” Jim responded, “you must have not heard, this is the latest type of seeing eye dog, they do a very good job.” Seeing that it worked, John tried walking in with his Chihuahua. Even before he could open his mouth, the doorman said, “Don’t tell me that a Chihuahua is the latest type of seeing eye dog.” Thinking quickly John responded in an angry voice, “You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?!”
Jakie T.
Clean Cup
A husband and wife walked into a cheap looking restaurant. As they were about to sit down, they noticed there were crumbs on the seat. After cleaning up the seat and wiping down the table they sat down. A waitress came over asking them what they wanted. “I’ll just take a coffee,” said the husband. “Me too,” said the wife. “And make sure the cup is clean.” The waitress returned with their drinks “Okay,” she said placing down their cups. “Now, which one of you wanted the clean cup?”
Victor G.
No License Necessary
John Livingstone was sitting on his lawn sun tanning and reading, when he was startled by a fairly late model car crashing through a hedge and onto his lawn. Out came an elderly man named Morty Nussbaum and John helped him sit down.
“My goodness,” John exclaimed. “You are quite old to be driving!”
“Yes,” Morty replied. “I am old enough that I don’t need a license anymore. The last time I went to my doctor he examined me and asked if I had a driving license. I told him yes and handed it to him.”
“He took a pair of scissors out of a drawer, cut the license into pieces, and threw them in the wastebasket. ‘You won’t be needing this anymore,’ he said.”
“So, I thanked him and left.”
Morris S.
Musical Mayhem
A thief broke into the Epstein family mansion early one evening as he had been told that the Epsteins would be out for the evening. But the thief’s information wasn’t very good because suddenly, he heard footsteps – it was the entire Epstein family. The thief was in their music room at the time so he took refuge in the music room closet and hoped that he could slip out unnoticed. But what the thief didn’t know was that the Epstein kids loved their music room, even if their musical talents were still a little…rough.
From eight to nine o’clock the eldest daughter Rachel had a singing lesson.
From nine to ten o’clock the second daughter Sarah took a piano lesson.
From ten to eleven o’clock the eldest son David had a violin lesson.
From eleven to eleven thirty the other son Michael had a lesson on the flute.
At eleven thirty all the brothers and sisters assembled for an ear-splitting voice, piano, violin, and flute concert.
Finally, the thief staggered out from the closet, and falling at their feet, cried:
“For Heaven’s sake, please have me arrested!”
Alan A.
Moving Day
Rachel Ginsberg called up a pet store and said, “Could you please send me ten thousand cockroaches?”
“What in the world do you want with ten thousand cockroaches?” asked the clerk.
“Well,” replied Rachel, “I am moving out of my East Side apartment today and my lease says I have to leave the place in the same condition I found it.”
Sherry M.
High-Flying Granny Tales
Michael O’Brien, an executive at a high tech company had just finished a grueling business trip when he sat down in his airplane seat ready for a much deserved rest. But before he could close his eyes, his seatmate settled in an introduced herself. “Hi! My name is Suri. It’s so nice to meet you! I’m flying to New York for my grandson’s third birthday – it’s his upshern. That’s his first haircut. I’m so excited! I remember when he was just a little cutie pie and now he’s already three! It’s really hard to believe. He’s the most adorable thing you’ve ever seen! You know what? Hold on, I think I might have a picture of my little bubbaleh. Let me take a look in my purse. Yes, here it is, just look at him, isn’t he adorable? Do you see his dimple on his left cheek? Oy! Simply adorable! I could just stare at his picture all day.
“Oy, and you should hear him on the phone! He is just the cutest, he says to me in the cutest voice, ‘Hi Bubbie!’ It just gets me all teary eyed.”
After what seemed like two hours for poor Michael O’Brien, Suri seemed to realize that perhaps she was talking a bit too much. “You know, I feel terrible! Here I am just talking and talking without letting you get in a word edgewise!
“Tell me…what do you think about my grandson!”
Nancy H.